Not to go to my mums because of this?

[toottootsy]

I had a baby back in early December and I gained quite a bit of weight.
My mum saw me just after the birth and I was still quite big but she said I would lose that in a couple of months.
I am due to go and visit her in a couple of weeks and she's been out and bought me some new clothes in my pre-pregnancy size as she is expecting that I'll be back to my normal size.

I've tried fasting and lost a stone but I still have a stone to go and not much time until we're due to go.
I know she'll comment and be disappointed so I'm thinking maybe I should just not go and think of an excuse to buy myself some more time.
I know I shouldn't overthink but I do and I have quite a lot of anxiety when I'm with my mum because she's quite judgy.
Dh says I'm being silly but I just can't face her at the moment, she isn't very subtle.
Dh said I should see if people on mumsnet would avoid visiting people until they were back to size so I could see how ridiculous this is but I think I should feel comfortable instead of pressure.

How screwed up is this post.

1. You had a baby three months ago and shouldn’t be thinking about your weight - especially dieting, fasting etc (I sincerely hope you aren’t breastfeeding while doing this).
2. You are going to cancel seeing your mum because she may comment that you are still a stone ‘overweight’. This is seriously dysfunctional.
3. Your hubby is right.
4. It isn’t a magical baby losing weight formula. Just because you lost weight easily before doesn’t necessarily you will this time. Give yourself and your body a break.

I would not let my body shape dictate where or when I should visit anyone I would like to see. Ever.

I actually don't think you have a very healthy relationship with your DM. I can't imagine not seeing my DM with a new GC because of how my body looks. The fact you have to come on a forum and ask this sort of question shows how unhinged your relationship with your DM is

Please reframe your thinking about your amazing body that has brought a healthy DC into the world. If anyone thinks any differently, they can sod off.

@toottootsy do you have issues about food / body size which is exacerbated my your DM?

To be honest it sounds like you a have a certain relationship with your mum that not many people on here will understand, so advice on here won't mean very much, my mum wouldn't have dreamt of doing something as passive aggressive as buying me new clothes after a birth and act put out that they don't fit me, and even if she did I'd have shot her down in flames.

Don't worry about your weight, if you don't want any confrontation about it, or to seem ungrateful, just go and be pretend gracious about the clothes and say something like, "thank you so much, can't wait to fit in them!"

Only just making a conscious effort now to knock off my lockdown pounds stones. It’s nobody’s business but mine and my scales’ ❤️

@toottootsy OP I completely understand this, as my mother would've made a similar comment. She's never more delighted than when I'm thinner and will frequently comment about how big I am, as if it's an incentive to lose weight rather than a criticism that I take to heart.

I personally would avoid her but I certainly wouldn't be using the time to lose weight - I'd be reassessing how much I actually wanted that sort of toxic negativity in my life.

Go and tell her you don’t appreciate the comments or don’t go, you shouldn’t feel this way with anyone and especially not you’re own mum x

She's not my exMiL is she? I got "oh you should have lost your baby belly ( 🙄), (DD's name), is 4 months old now". I just replied "well your youngest is 28 years old and you've still got yours" and walked away with my head held high.

You are obviously very not close to her Op if you’ve seen her once since giving birth last year

so why cause yourself stress

just dodge it

Well 2 years and 4 months on I’m still not back to pre pregnancy weight. I’m also a different shape since I had my daughter.

There is a difference between being honest and being a bitch. The fact that it’s causing you anxiety at a time you should be enjoying with your baby. I would suggest therapy asap.

she's been out and bought me some new clothes in my pre-pregnancy size as she is expecting that I'll be back to my normal size.

How do you know this, has she told you? Why wouldn’t you say thanks for the thought but I’m not size X yet I’m still wearing a Y

This massive gaslighting. She is pretending to "spoil" you while judging your weight. In you shoes I would not want to go either, not because I would be embarrassed about my weight, but because your mom is unkind.

With my last pregnancy I felt and was fairly sick and eating helped reduce it, so I put on a fair amount of weight. It was only when DC no 3 was getting on for 4 years old I decided I could no longer blame it on “just having had a baby ”😁and did something about it. It takes longer to lose the weight with subsequent pregnancies because you’re older and a hell of a lot busier. Cut yourself some slack and try not to feel duty bound to lose weight to gain your mother’s approval. If she’s disappointed, practice thickening your skin so her comments bounce off.

Definitely go. If she mentions your weight AT ALL tell her that you almost didn't come to see her because of this. She can choose between shutting the fuck up and seeing her (presumably) adored new grandchild or carrying on as she is and you stay away.

If your mum has criticised you verbally in the past about your weight, or she feels the need to be rude about other people's weight in general, then it is hurtful, but also that's her problem.

She could have guilt about her own size, low self esteem, prejudiced views about beauty, or even be having ED. But it's plain rude to push those issues onto others.

You do not need to bend to her whim about body size or shape. Tell her thanks for the clothes and you'll try them on when you're ready or if not exchange for something more suitable.

If she mentions your weight tell her it's rude to talk about others bodies and you won't be having that type conversation. Then just swiftly change the subject.

Three months isn’t very long to get back to your pre-pregnancy size. She sounds controlling OP - as evidenced by her buying you new clothes in your previous size to put pressure on you. If you look at the guidelines for sensible and sustainable weight loss, you’ve already done really well to lose a stone. I would go. But I’d be prepared to shut down any discussion of your weight and if the clothes don’t fit - well she’ll just have to return them won’t she ? There’s a difference between being honest and being downright nasty, and I’m not sure she knows where to draw the line. Don’t enable her behaviour - your weight is none of her concern.

Give yourself a break....FROM YOUR MUM😡. Wow...enjoy your time with your little one who is an absolute gift....your Mum either takes you as you are or not at all. Life is too short...good luck x

I LOVE this !! 🤣🤣🤣. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year - had a mastectomy and some very unpleasant treatments which left me bloated and carrying excess serous fluid which is only just now reabsorbing. I bumped into a friend I hadn’t seen since finishing treatment and she seemed surprised at my appearance - used to the head tilts from people who think cancer means death sentence, so prepared myself. She said she was surprised at my size. Apparently she thought cancer patients lost weight, but she was pleased to see I was back to ‘enjoying life’ !! I wish I’d had your wit at the time !!

I wouldn't put off visiting but then my mum would never speak to me like that.
If it's mentioned try and find a come back to it that silences it. She shouldn't be commenting on weight ever, never mind three months after a baby.

My ex sils did something similar, I ordered a meal in a restaurant and they talked between themselves about how they didn't need to diet like others at the table and could what they wanted. My baby was four months old. I never ate out with them again

I think it depends what your relationship with your mum is/ was like before this.
If she has always been critical and unsupportive and you don’t feel strong enough to stand up for yourself then don’t go .Maybe see if partner or friend would go with you to show her up by saying things like” Doesn’t she look great “ .
If it was a one off then maybe you have post natal depression and you are feeling low in confidence and need some medical / counselling help

Haven't read the whole thread so someone might've said this - your DH says you shouldn't "avoid visiting people until you're back to size" but that's not what this is about.
You say you're considering avoiding visiting her because she can be judgy and make you feel anxious, and it sounds like you can't face that at the moment.

Really horrible behaviour by her, OP. What new mum wants to be worrying about their weight or shape?! Your focus should be on healing your body, getting enough rest and looking after your gorgeous newborn.

Of course she’s not doing it to treat you! If that were the case she wouldn’t even have mentioned your weight and only offered to buy you some new clothes as a treat if you had actively brought up your weight loss yourself and said something like “ah I’ll have to get some new clothes now my pregnancy ones are too big!”. To even bring it up as a topic is rude, pressurising and judgmental.

Think you definitely need some therapy at some point to unpick your relationship with her, but in the meantime, I’d message something like “hi mum, thanks for buying me some new clothes but I only had a baby 3 months ago so am obviously focussing on looking after her, not on losing weight! So I’m not yet back to my old size and don’t expect to be for a few months. Please can you return them for now so they’re not wasted, then maybe we can go for a shopping trip for Christmas instead? Look forward to seeing you next week!”

then if she replies with anything other than, “oh sorry, yes of course!” I would reply saying “mum, that’s really horrible of you to say, I’m a new mum and my focus is rightly on my baby, not on shallow meaningless things like my appearance. As X’s granny, I’m sure you understand that’s the only important thing right now? I’d really appreciate it if you could keep judgmental comments to yourself as it’s actually really hurtful not to be supported by your own mum at such a vulnerable stage.”

again, if she doesn’t apologise, I’d say “ok, I think it’s best if I avoid visiting until you’re in a kinder frame of mind. I just need supportive people around me at the moment, not people who are going to insult me and try to make me feel bad about myself. Let me know when you’re ready to drop this topic and then hopefully we can arrange something”. My husband would also be calling at that point and giving her what for!

best of luck, OP. Please stop fasting and enjoy this precious time with your new baby.

I'm going to take a guess that your weight isn't the only thing your mum judges you on?

From someone with a similar mother, my advice would be to put boundaries in place now. Easy to do if you live a distance away, which I'm assuming you do if you haven't seen her much.

My mum sent me her hand me downs to wear and told me my DH would leave me because I had PND.

there's a difference between being 'brutally honest' and rude.
tell her.

bet she is one of those who thinks it's fine for her to 'be honest' bit dislikes it should someone adopt the same approach towards her.

@toottootsy wow I would tell her straight that she is a judgemental bitch
Your body your business

Your husband won’t like this but he needs to stop telling you that you are silly.
He shouldn’t be making light of your feelings . Those are real .
Maybe be around people who build you up OP