DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

He might have grandparents and an aunty willing to help out , but what he really needs is a committed parent, or better still two committed parents. This isn’t a “ let’s all help out with some babysitting while a 17 grows up a bit and comes to her senses” situation, this is “a baby needs proper parenting and attachment in his vital early years” situation.

This is what happens when kids have kids

Too immature to look after a baby

How absolutely judgemental and patronising.
I imagine this 'type of thing' would never happen in your family.

My sister had her first at 17 and lived with my mom. She never would have dreamed of dumping her baby to go out with mates. OP I think you've got to have a serious talk with her about wether she wants this baby or not because unless you're going to basically become it's mother then that poor child is going to be neglected from the get go by it's real mom

I think also think she needs external help. She's not feeling that maternal instinct / bond from what you wrote OP and that can be a sign of mental illness.

I find it strange that she would just walk out the door without saying anything leaving her DS behind, not send you a text asking how he's been when she's out. As a mother myself even when I leave my kids for a couple of hours I still think about whether they are ok etc. There's something deeper here

No not really I was even younger than this girl when I became a mum and would never of done this. Honestly she needs to grow up the people saying "she's young" as an excuse are making all young mum's look bad

It's an option.

My DS is adopted and his birth circumstances were very similar. Young mum couldn't cope, family genuinely unable to take him in. The upshot was that he was in a very disorganised and chaotic household with mum for far too long. She went out and left him on his own for 12 + hours, and longer sometimes. It would have got dark and got light again on a few occasions.

The knock-on effect on him has been huge.

If all else fails and the mum can't provide a caring homelife and OP doesn't want to raise another child, then adoption is a valid route. But sooner rather than later.

It's a single teenage mother who isn't taking the responsibility of motherhood seriously. Yet. If she is looking after her kid some of the time, then we cannot infer that she doesn't want to look after her baby at all. Everybody wants a night off now and again, perhaps she just hasn't got her priorities straight yet because she is young and immature and she needs it spelling out to her what her responsibilities are.

I don't know how you came to the conclusion that the grandparent is ambivalent either. Given her reaction to the comments calling for her to put him up for adoption I'd say your version of how she feels is pretty unlikely.

I agree that adoption could be an option on the table and that a lot of options need to be explored - but let's not pretend that children who are adopted have better outcomes than those whose family home can be stabilised and improved. They categorically don't.

(that's not meant as any kind of a slur on the people reading this who were adopted who have had good outcomes - just calling for a bit of recognition that adopting is far from a guarantee of a better life to the child than keeping them with birth family.)

The DD sounds completely feckless. I know your heart is in the right place and you would probably take this child on. But please don't assume that there won't be a baby number 2, 3 or more

Hmm, I would be far far less sympathetic than some of the other posters here. She’d be read the riot act for disrespectful, unacceptable behaviour in leaving her child without organising childcare and then being completely uncontactable. The priority honestly has to be the baby and whether or not she’s able to actually be a parent. Unless she gives the baby up for adoption, her life is going to be forever changed and no, she can’t bloody go out until 3am. She can’t go out AT ALL unless she takes baby or organises childcare.

OP, you are being really too soft (sorry) but I got grounded for far less at 17 and there’s no way I’d be allowed to just have a baby and fuck off to carry on living the teenage dream whilst my mum picked up the slack.

Yes. In my DS's case he has 4 more siblings all in the care system.

You need to make it clear you will call the police or social services if she leaves without arranging for you to sit for her baby and then refuses to immediately come home when you call her out on it.

Frankly, I think you should call social services now.

Turning it on its head it’s brutal to force teen to be a mum who doesn’t want to be.
If she only realised 7 weeks to go she had no option but to give birth.
She may not have received any counselling re options prior to birth and if family supportive perhaps naively thought it will be ok.
Very quickly she’s showing doesn’t want to be a mum.
Who can she tell? Her own mum doesn’t want him adopted that’s pressure albeit from a well meaning point of view. She may be feeling so trapped. Having baby taken off her is easier way out than saying I don’t want to be a mum.
It doesn’t sound like she’s primary carer? If she’s sneaking out and leaving him for hours presumably you are having to guess when last fed/when next feed due, make bottles etc.
Is she close to older sister? Could she speak to her.

I know people are slating the poster who suggested putting the baby up for adoption however, it is a potential option. If the daughter doesn’t want to look after the baby then the OP has to decide if she’s prepared to raise the child as her own, and not just as a grandparent. If not then perhaps adoption is the right answer.

I am not saying it is but it shouldn’t be ruled out completely if the daughter doesn’t want to be a parent and isn’t prepared to seek help/support from SS.
I would also look at whether or not she has PND, possibly not but worth ruling out.

I'm a bit confused by people who are saying it's fine for a 17 year old to be out until 3am without their parents knowing where they are and being uncontactable. I wouldn't be ok if DH did that! I don't need to monitor where he is at all times, but common curtesy is that he lets me know he's going out, what he's doing would never be a big secret, and I'd expect to know roughly when he plans to get back (not least because I need to know whether i should lock up or not). Isn't this the case for any person you live with?

I have to agree that adoption should be on the table as an option. It seems that OP isn't interested in the baby being adopted outside of the family, which is fine because if adoption was being considered then OP would be the first person social services would look to! It's important however that the DD has the choice whether she actually wants parental responsibility for this child. Just as the father has walked away, a mother actually can as well, and there shouldn't ever be judgment on someone who decides that they are not in a position to bring up a child and looks for alternatives in the best interest of the child.

That said, it's a long way from there and I'm with others who have said use all support available to help DD make the decision whether she wants to step up or not, and to understand how to do that.

But if the DD decides she doesn't want to step up, that decision is better made sooner rather than later for the baby's sake. And OP needs to decide whether she's willing to step into that role if DD won't.

The only options available are
You raise the child and tell your child to leave
Adoption
raise the child and let your daughter stay.
If they baby stays your life will be raising him. Your Daughter doesn't want to. If you let her stay her swanning out the door like she is childless will drag you down and the resentment will grow quickly. Best she goes and lives her own life.

I haven't read everything but do you have a children's centre/Action for Children centre near you? I know a lot were shut down or cut what they offered, but where I am there is still a focus on provision for teenage mums and there are a lot of groups for 16-25 year olds to meet with their babies led by a practitioner. I would investigate something like this to help her meet other young mums and also for outside help in terms of caring for the baby.

She also needs to understand you are not available to babysit whenever she fancies. Can you make yourself less available at home? At the moment if she knows you are always there, then she won't see it a problem in going out.

I also think people are being massively unfair to 17 year olds. Yes they do stupid things but I don't think your average 17 year old would leave a baby and go out without checking that someone else was taking responsibility for that baby, even if they weren't actually the baby's parent. I certainly would be extremely disappointed if my 15 year old was looking after a baby in one room, with the mother in another room, and then just left the baby alone without checking the mother was coming in. This isn't about a DD begging her mother to babysit over and over again and throwing a tantrum until her mum gives in: she is just leaving the baby and then being uncontactable for hours. In her current state the DD isn't capable of adequately caring for a child - she may be able to get to a position where she can with support but from what the OP says she would be dangerous as it stands.

That said, I'm not exactly clear what's happening and whether it's a case of the DD handing her baby over to her mother for a cuddle and then saying 'bye mum' and running out the door before OP can stop her, or whether she is literally leaving the baby in the crib and walking out the door without letting her mother know. I'm assuming it's the latter. The former is not good, but the latter is terrible.

I wouldn't assume the daughter is capable of doing this. I think removing babysitting could be risky to the baby.

I think grandmother needs to create a realistic plan for care with mum stepping up as she matures.

it must have been an incredible shock to give birth with 7 weeks notice!!

she is not 'feckless' btw what a gross description. she is a child herself. She is post natal/ probably lacking in rational thought - the teen brain doesn't even properly mature until 25.

Yes..I thought that when reading a pp saying adoption is insensitive and Victorian…rather forcing motherhood on someone who doesn’t want it is..I agree she doesn’t really know how to say and sound alike adoption has been closed by her mum.

adoption to an intact family is a good option, especially for a baby. They are likely to get ready parents who really want the responsibility. As as previously said adoptions can be open now

its fostering that is less so

She found out seven weeks before she gave birth. She didn’t have a choice as to whether she wanted to continue the pregnancy and have baby or not, at that point.

Adoption is a perfectly viable option. You not wanting her to give him up for adoption doesn’t mean you can make her ‘step up’ and be a mother, and certainly not a good mother.

I'm somewhat offended by people saying adoption is an offensive and evil suggestion. My DH was adopted as a newborn, so was my grandfather and many, many of my friends.

What is offensive and evil is leaving a child in the care of any kind of unfit parent. This is not necessarily the case for OP's DD but it might at some point, come to that.

If this post was about an adult who be behaved in this way everybody would be talking about how it's likely postpartum depression, what a poor woman, she needs help (insert helpful links to read). Because this thread is about a 17-year-old, guessing because of the stigma associated with teenage pregnancy, the girl is useless, wants to party, of course she's more concerned about being with her friends than her child, must put the kid up for adoption ASAP!!! Unreal.

Thank you. I agree and have many adopted people in my life. It’s not some Victorian horror!

and agree adopted people reading this must be really offended! It’s like people are saying their parenting wasn’t good enough even though they don’t have any idea..how hurtful

Do you think she has fully bonded with him ?

The first few weeks/ months could have been ok due to the novelty factor , but now has worn off , and of course lots of attention from her friends .

Who feeds him , bathes him , changes nappies , winds him , soothes him etc ( basic mothering ) the most ?

Pull away from doing any of that , don't even mention if he's crying that she needs to do something .

Also don't do any of her washing / his washing of clothes , she needs to take all tasks including bottle making up , heating up and sterilizing of bottles.
She's now a mother , and time to act like one.