DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

I don't think that's true. Frontal cortex is not fully developed at 17, empathy is often absent in teens. It's not PND it is a normal teenager. And normal teenagers are not usually the ideal parent.

As had been shown by many social experiments!!!

That’s another issue - the idea that if a woman or teenage girl says she doesn’t want her child then she must be ill and couldn’t possibly mean what she’s saying/demonstrating. Postpartum depression exists, yes, but so do women and teenage girls that do not want to be parents. Adoption shouldn’t be dismissed as an option for either.

Do you work? If you work tell her you can’t do that and look after a baby.
if you don’t work she will use you and leave him with you.

They may not be perfect, but from what OP has described the behaviour is extreme, not just sloppy.
I know of girls in that got pregnant in my secondary school, none of them have done anything remotely like this.

Lots of good advice OP. I definitely agree with the comments recommending therapy and social services help - I'm actually surprised they aren't involved already, her being 17 and having a cryptic pregnancy. Finding out your whole world is going to be turned upside down just 7 weeks before giving birth would be traumatic for an adult woman, let alone a 17yo child, and I'm not surprised she is struggling and wanting her life to return to normal.

Please don’t do this!

None of this is the baby’s fault and it’s unthinkable to leave him unchanged, hungry or crying without being comforted. That’s just outright neglect of a baby only a few weeks old.

I do understand that your preference is for your daughter to step up and parent @CustardCreamsfortea but can I ask what would your position have been had your child died and left a baby grandchild orphaned. In those circumstances would you have kept the baby in the family or had them adopted out? That might help frame your thinking about what to do here.

Getting more external support for your DD does sound essential though. Apart from anything else, if her days are largely filled with mother and baby activities and support she will be spending more time with the baby and there is also less time for her to spend with the friendship group so this situation could resolve over time.

@FrenchandSaunders How ridiculous!

It’s not disgusting or evil to want the baby to have a chance at being parented by someone who truly wants them.

The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her.

The novelty hasn’t worn off, she’s just a 17yo old adolescent who unexpectedly fell pregnant and is struggling with the massive change in her life.
She’s like suffering from PND too.

As a grown adult I would be struggling too.

That being said, she doesn’t get to drop everything and not be responsible.

Sit her down and tell her that as a parent, it’s completely unacceptable to just leave or not go home.
Tell her that any parent can’t just do that.

Tell her that you’re happy to babysit but she needs to realise that she can’t go out as often as she likes and she needs to sort her responsibilities out.

This baby was unplanned and perhaps unwanted.
I would not judge DD at all if she felt that she’s not ready to be a mum and that adoption would be best for the child.

I had my baby at the same age and although I love her so much, my life was very difficult and my DD does not have the life she could have had.

I knew I was pregnant quite early on too.
I can’t imagine how it must feel to find out so late.

She is very lucky to have you as a parent.

OP, Could you get guardianship of your grandchild?

This. It could be PND or something similar and of course that should be considered, but the reason people are also suggesting that the DD may simply not want to step up and be a mother is because an older woman who had a baby in the same circumstances (unplanned, discovered after the deadline for an abortion, father refuses to be involved) would normally be sufficiently socially conditioned that they have to suck it up and look after their child even if they don't want to that this type of behavior would be considered even more extreme.

I do not believe that a older woman with a newborn who was just leaving that child with another adult without checking that other adult was taking responsibility for a child would be getting an easy ride. The difference is it would be assumed that she was either severely mentally ill, or an evil person. Because the DD is 17 and so potentially hasn't been conditioned that she has to step up (and is presumably used to her mother picking up things for her in the background in general) she's getting an easier ride, not a harder one.

Of course it could be severe PND or another mental health issue, but the OP hasn't said anything to indicate that at this stage. All we have is a DD who is leaving her baby to go out with her friends. I do not believe for a second that if this thread was about a 30 year old mother leaving her baby with her husband in the same way and for the same types of time the mother would be getting an easy ride, or there would be a suggestion that the DH just needs to take a firm line!

Your poor DD must have had such a shock, and obviously the choice to terminate wasn’t available to her. Does she actually want to be a mother? It seems not, and that’s understandable for a 17 year old. If that is the case then presumably the choices are for you to step up and be mum or adoption as others have said. If she does want to be a mother then could you contact SS for help and support?

This happened in my family, except it was my DB's baby. The birth mum wanted the DC (she was also seventeen) but it took only a matter of weeks for the novelty to wear off. Her parents didn't want to know. DN came to live with us.
I think you have to decide if you're prepared to raise your GC. If you are, then any progress you make with DD becoming a responsible parent is a bonus. Her actions at the moment sound negligent.
If she's able to leave the house without you knowing, either she's leaving the baby alone, (what happens if you thought she was home and nipped out?), or you're already the default parent even when DD is at home.

How is she funding going out frequently? Is she using money intended for baby and you are paying for his milk/nappies. To stop her going out frequently can you try to cut off her funds. You probably have been helping her buy things for him but it might just be facilitating her socialising.

This

Most of us have 8 months to adapt to the idea, and it's still a big change.

Maybe now her body has recovered a bit she just needs time to be a teenager, live some of that life and say goodbye to some of that life?

But going out unannounced is not acceptable.

Realistically, she probably needs some therapy and also maybe needs help, x amount of time to herself each week and then gradually reduce it as she adapts. She needs time to be supported into being a full-time mother, as groundwork for doing it successfully later.

But it does have to be agreed in advance who has the baby and when.

I'm not suggesting for the baby to be neglected !
Just that it's mother needs to be reminded she is responsible .
I was suggesting to @CustardCreamsfortea that she takes a minute to encourage her daughter to step up and mother her child and learn that her own mother is not " first call " .

I think OP you will need to prepare to be the parent to this child. Using a phrase like ‘novelty has worn off’ does not show a great start.

are the health visitors able to suggest any parenting courses or groups for young mums?

This has obviously been a big shock to both of you, and I think you need to sit down with her and have a very good chat about her responsibilities. Ask her what she wants and how she thinks she can achieve this.

Finding out 7 weeks before the birth, took away a lot of her choices. It is good if she is looking ahead to college and using a creche.

You can spell out to her what you are able to do, and she needs to understand that she has to look after her child, and she will miss out on things when she can't get a babysitter.

If she can't accept her new life and deal with it, then adoption is one answer and only she can decide that. If you are saying that the baby won't be adopted, does that mean that you would step up to look after it full time if she walked away from it?

Well seeing as 1 in 10 women develop PND, rightfully so.

Ultimately, the thread isn't about a 17 year old not stepping up, it's about what is best for the baby.

OP has said adoption isn't an option, which is perfectly fine, but if it isn't, then someone from within the family needs to be the primary caregiver.

Offspring of a teenage mum here.
I wouldn’t push anyone into motherhood if the young mum doesn’t want to or is not ready for it.
No one deserves to be a ‘bittersweet’ child, it’s a heavy weight to carry and it lasts a lifetime. That’s my experience.

@CustardCreamsfortea Sorry to be blunt OP, but I think you have to be realistic about your options here:

• Your DD recognises she's a mother now and takes on that responsibility;
• You take on maternal responsibility for your DGS;
• Your DD gives up your DGS for adoption.

If neither your DD or you can be the mother your DGS needs, there are many childless women who would jump at the chance. It's time for a very serious conversation with your DD. Good luck.

Very difficult OP, you have already (by default) become the main carer for this little one.

I'm not sure there'll be any more engagement from the OP