DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

Probably a bit late to lay down the law.

Surely it’s OP that needs support, not her daughter, who is out having fun like a 17 year old!

I don't think this is a therapy situation I think it's a maturity one. You can't expect a 17 yr old who had no idea until the final trimester that she was going to have a child. Her reaction sounds entirely normal, to be honest. I have a 17 yr old DD and I wouldn't be surprised if she did exactly the same thing.

So I have read some of this thread but not all of it, apologies if this has been covered. OP if you can become the legal guardian of this grandson, I would do that.

If she’s sneaking out then baby is potentially at risk. Op thinks daughter and baby in her room asleep. Op goes out and lo and behold baby home alone. Daughter just assumes mum will be there but presumably Op has her own life and work.
There was that awful case a couple of years ago where teen mum left baby alone to celebrate her 18th birthday and baby starved to death.

I think, realistically, you’re going to have to really carefully consider if you’re willing to become the guardian and parental figure for your grandson because your daughter is clearly unwilling. You need to make this legal and formal.
It’s unfair on him to live in a household where neither adult wants that responsibility.
Contact social services.

OP you have to be realistic and accept that she’s not ready to be a parent, and may not be for years. If you have stern words with her and lay down boundaries, that’ll force her to step up, but she’ll probably be awful at it. Because she doesn’t want to do it. We all know what a slog parenting is, and if your heart’s not in it, you won’t do it well. Then you’ll have to stand by and watch your beloved grandchild be raised by someone who doesn’t want to be doing it. I think you have to adopt the baby yourself, and accept that you’re going to be the parent.

I think nursery is free for teenage mums who want to continue education at college or school

She must be incredibly stressed and frightened by the real implications here.

Do you think you are asking the impossible of her and she is retreating because of this?

I mean how many 17. years olds are mentally ready to give up their lives for a baby? Could you commit to doing most of the care for the first year? If she agrees to step up as well?

She needs to decide whether she wants responsibility for this child moving forwards.

If she does, then she needs to agree with you as to what amounts to a "reasonable amount" of support from you.

If she doesn't, then you need to decide whether you're prepared to take on all responsibility yourself. As in, you don't make your own plans, you don't expect her to give you warning if she's going out etc.

If neither one of you is willing to take full responsibility (I'm not saying that you shouldn't share day to day care to an extent, but I'm talking about being the "default carer" who is assumed to be with the baby unless otherwise arranged) then I can imagine this resentment is only going to grow.

Do you really let your children just walk out at 17 without permission? I certainly didn’t when I was 17. I checked at home was it ok? My mum asked where I was going and who with and what time I’d be back. I never just walked out the door. When I was 18 and at uni sure but not at 17. I’m not saying she didn’t let me out but I sure wasn’t allowed to dictate to my mum when and where I’d be. I’m the same with my children.

What a disgusting evil comment! I'm sure the poster loves her grandson and would never want to do this plus it's not her choice. The mother is very young and sounds like it was a shock finding out she was pregnant so late in the pregnancy and close to giving birth and might need some support. She could have post natal depression.
I bet you wouldn't be so quick to mention adoption if it was an older married mother.
Thankfully we don't live in the dark ages anymore where we take young unmarried mothers babies off them!

Yes exactly when he could be adopted into a home where the parents fully want that responsibility. Much better for him long term. Now is such a crucial time. I'm sorry but it’s a blatant truth.

This baby deserves so much more. Don’t forget you can have open adoption

? The OP isn't the one asking anything of her. She's the one who had sex and has caused her own pregnancy (along with the father). Having a child requires one to be a parent to that child. The only thing OP is asking of her is that she steps up into the position that she has found (put) herself in. She's young, she's proving not mature enough, but she's a mother now and she's going to have to be a mother.

She seems to be under the impression that she will be able to carry on living the life of a carefree teenage girl. She needs a wake up call, though god knows if giving birth didn't do it I don't know what to suggest to the OP.

Your dd needs to grow up and be responsible. Give her ultimatums. .

I don’t see how the “put him up for adoption” comment is so unreasonable.
The op’s daughter doesn’t want to be a mum.
If op doesn’t want to play mum then adoption isn’t such a terrible thing.

Some people on here are so brutal. It’s no wonder people go no contact with their mothers if they are anything like the cold hearted on here.

Adoption isn’t the answer. She’s too young to make such a huge decision so I would support her and look after the baby as much as possible because it sounds like she needs some serious help to bond and come to terms with the baby. It could be PND.

Well if she was an older married mother then this situation wouldn't arise would it!

Oh well, I'm brutal then and so are many on here. Oddly enough, my dc seem quite fond of me and maybe because I was a bit stricter they weren't going out until all hours at 17 - baby or no baby that's not ideal.

This isn't a Victorian take a baby off a single mother situation. This is a single mother who doesn't want to look after her baby and a grandparent who is ambivalent. And a baby who's going to mightly messed up by living in a house with two women when neither seem prepared to take full responsibility for him.

But there definitely needs to be a thorough exploration of ALL options, therapy etc before adoption becomes a serious option.

Does she have a social worker? (I’m ancient, had a 16 year old friend many years ago who was assigned one, of course, it’s probably not the case now, post-austerity?)

I'm afraid I have to agree with these two pps.

I remember DH and I thinking that we were ready for parenthood at the ages of 28 (me) and 31 (him) when our first baby was born. In reality, it detonated a bomb in our lives and turned everything on its head. We were winging it just like every other set of first time parents. When the huge responsibility of it dawned on us that did hang heavily at first too. 17 is still officially a minor herself, and very young to deal with something that adults much older than her still struggle with.

I think this whole issue puts OP in a very difficult position, and one that I am relieved never to have ended up in with my own three DDs.

Could your DD be suffering from PND, or severe baby blues? I did, and they made me crave my old life so much. I grieved for it too. Talk to her to ascertain whether that might be happening and if it is or if in doubt encourage her to see the doctor. She may be frightened and confused by her feelings and the strength of them - grieving for her old carefree life and wishing she could have it back, but at the same time loving her son even though at times she probably wishes fervently that she hadn't ended up in this position.

After that I would have a serious discussion with her to establish boundaries. Tell her what you are able/willing to do and what you are not. I think it should be possible to encourage her to step up far more than she is currently doing whilst still setting out your own stall too.

I think the idea of contacting Children's Services is a good one and may well have currency. I would hope that they would be the people to assess your DD and explain any available options to both of you.

That said though, there is no magic wand and support (with boundaries) will be needed for a fair old time. Realistically, much of it will have to come from you, but with the proviso that DD at least tries to step up much more than she has so far.

Hm I found by 17 that I could generally come and go as I pleased, I always told my mum when I was going, who with and when I’d be back, but definitely didn’t need permission to leave the house? obviously there might be the odd occasion (grandparents birthday or family gathering etc) where I’d be told please book that Saturday off work and make sure you don’t have plans with friends. But beyond that no.

I think it’s quite unfair to say OP is ambivalent, @gladtidingss . She is, presumably, a middle aged adult with her own established life who has suddenly found her self pretty much responsible for a new baby, without her express consent. No doubt she loves her grandchild but she can’t be expected to care for him. That’s not ambivalence, it’s practicality and boundary.

What the f*ck

Ah..I don’t see adoption as an evil. I wish I’d been adopted rather than my parents struggle on. Wow I wouldn’t have had the struggle I had for the first half of my life.

how long can a baby wait for a healthy responsive mother? his mother is currently going out clubbing and not making arrangements for his care and being uncontactable..she has a long way to go.

life is long..this baby could receive the needed parenting from adoptive parents and still have a relationship with his birth mother and family.

people on here naming the reality of the situation are not wicked

I am so old I had to go to the phone box and ring home if I was going to be late.