DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

7 weeks to get used to the idea of a baby when you are just 17 is very hard. Yes she's been irresponsible but she had no choice in whether to keep the baby as she was unaware she was even pregnant. She needs a lot of support-not you having the baby but rather mental health support. You seem to expect her to magically grow up but I don't think it is that simple. I would discuss SS with her or the health visitor and try and get some help for her. You might expect to do a lot if childcare in the interim with a view to her taking over with time. Obviously you don't have to have the baby at all,it is your choice but this is your grandchild and she is your daughter and she's not yet an adult.

Laughing doesn’t make you an awful person, but deciding to post about laughing is questionable.

7 weeks to get used to the idea of a baby when you are just 17 is very hard. Yes she's been irresponsible but she had no choice in whether to keep the baby as she was unaware she was even pregnant. She needs a lot of support-not you having the baby but rather mental health support. You seem to expect her to magically grow up but I don't think it is that simple. I would discuss SS with her or the health visitor and try and get some help for her. You might expect to do a lot if childcare in the interim with a view to her taking over with time. Obviously you don't have to have the baby at all,it is your choice but this is your grandchild and she is your daughter and she's not yet an adult.

Does the actually want to be a parent? Sounds as though she didn't actually choose that if she only found out she was pregnant 7 weeks before she had her baby. She didn't really have many options.

PP saying put him up for adoption was a bit blunt but has it been discussed with your DD?

It's no wonder she wants to be out with her friends, she's still a child herself. I think you probably need to accept that you will be bringing up your DGS, unless adoption is an option.

Can you really not imagine that some teenagers are not as compliant as your daughter? Really?

God some of you are so grim, luckily the OP sounds more supportive towards her daughter and grandson

I agree at 17 I had to ask as I was a child living under their roof. A very common express in the house at the time. My daughter is only 11 but I would like to think she would respect the rules of our home. Though probably in this situation we would look to take on parental responsibility for grandson so my daughter’s life was not royally screwed and she could travel and go to uni but I wouldn’t want a grand child to be adopted. Good luck OP and to your family a really difficult situation.

definitely agree with a PPs advice to see what groups there are for teen/young parents. When I was a young mum it was invaluable when I found a weekly baby group for young parents. If she can make some friends in a similar situation and create a social life involving doing things and meeting up with babies in tow that would be really beneficial. If all her current friends are typical teens with normal freedom i can imagine that must feel isolating.

Exactly.
Children having children.
What could go wrong?
😕

Report to social services? For leaving the baby with her grandmother? I'm sorry this is a daft threat. Social services aren't the police. If OP doesn't want to care for her GS then absolutely a call to social services is in order as the baby's parents aren't capable of caring for him but calling them to tattle is ridiculous. What do you think they would do?!

What a shock for all. The punches keep on coming.
In no particular order @CustardCreamsfortea

Does the father pay maintenance?

Do the other grandparents contribute or visit?
How is dd affording to go out til all hours?
Would you adopt dgs yourself?
Is dd on contraception?
You need to know where dd is 24/7. Will you put a family tracker on her phone? The ignoring your calls and messages is appalling and alarming. I would be terrified of her being with baby and thinking to herself, 'Ah baby is asleep, I'll pop out for a bit.'

Honestly… everytime I’ve heard of this situation it’s always inevitably ended up with the nan (you) caring for the baby. She is 17, yes she’s young but perfectly capable of looking after her baby with support, but if she simply just doesn’t want to… that’s a battle.

Social services person on here has said they should TALK to SS, in the sense of a conversation, not reported.

OP, you sound as if you are, and have always been, a soft touch, which probably makes you a very lovely person but now you need to really lay down the law or you will end up bringing up this baby, adoption being out of the quesiton.

Yes this is a legitimate option that could give the baby the life it deserves

This - I’d tell her that this is what I’m going to do though so she has a chance to Uturn and step up, but I think your DD needs support from outside the family. Sadly, she is still a child herself.

I think it’s difficult when a young person is a parent as one one hand you will be having conversations saying she’s responsible for the baby and that’s obviously huge and lots of adult decisions to make and lots of growing up very quickly as a parent so on the other hand you can’t treat her like a child and say she can’t go out and dictate what she does.

The issue here is trying to get the daughter to realise she’s a parent and what that means and it’s not for her mum to pick up looking after the baby all the time so you can’t treat her like a child too otherwise she will default to that.

I agree with this. Unless she knows what the cause of it was, it sounds like she is out making another.

The only real way to stop her doing that is to make her 100% accountable for the one she has as if you are not there OP.

No more wishy washy.

Adoption is a perfectly valid option. It's not for you to care for dgc as presumably if you had wanted another baby you would have had one. So it's down to Mum as Dad has already opted out. If she doesn't want to parent and it looks like she doesn't then please contact social services and quickly. And you definitely don't have to take on this responsibility yourself.

I feel really sad for the baby in all of this!
Not sure who his primary carer is etc
The first 5 years are essential for brain development etc
I wonder if the very young mum wants to be a mum now

There’s that old saying:
"If you raise your children, you can spoil your grandchildren. But if you spoil your children, you'll have to raise your grandchildren."

Very tricky situation.

You say she wants to return to education in September and use a nursery. Who is going to be paying for this? Or she expecting you to foot the bill?

She needs a social services referral. She's clearly struggling and is detached from her baby.

Obviously in an ideal world she would take her responsibility seriously, but given what's happened I doubt she is capable of that at the moment.

Which leaves a poor little boy in a terrible situation.

It's easy to say to the op to not enable the dd, but realistically someone needs to mother this child. Op will have to face the fact that her dd may never be a good mother, no matter what measures are put in, and the son will suffer for it.

So the options really are: DD suddenly steps up and wants to be a good mother (unlikely), OP is the stand in mother but the son always feels like his mother rejected him (most likely), the boy is adopted by a loving stable family (unlikely, but probably for the best).

OK I'd begin by setting up a system such as certain days or so much babysitting a week. She won't want to ask every time she wants to go out. Be firm. Is there any free childcare available during the day you could access? Keep a diary of the situation and keep your fingers crossed she bucks up. Also is it possible for her to have a friend over instead?

How are you planning to withdraw babysitting when she leaves him with you without asking and then turns her phone off?