DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

If my teenaged daughter got pregnant and decided to keep the child, I would make the full assumption that I would be raising the child and that I would pretty much be the primary carer. Surely that is the norm with teenagers and babies - raised by grandparents in their 40s/50s?
Or have I got this completely wrong?

If my 14-year-old DD got pregnant (god forbid) and she insisted on keeping the baby then i would expect her to look after the baby, it was her choice

As an adopter twice over, I am horrified by all the 'just put him up for adoption' comments. OP, I know you know and are not planning this, but for everyone else, please understand how challenging life is for babies and children removed from their birth parents. Adoption is not a wipe-the-slate-clean initiative, it is a process that brings with it lifelong trauma for all involved. The OP's daughter is a child who has had a child. All the comments about throwing her out on the street. Fucking hell, I wonder how on earth Donal Trump ever got elected once let alone twice and then I read the comments here and realise how it happened and how the concentration camps happened. Some people have no compassion and begrudge anyone they consider a stain on society.

OP, please be wary of inviting SS into your lives. Can you not resolve this as a family? It's likely that you're all in a state of trauma given the circumstances of the pregnancy and birth. Have you researched any teen mums/teen pregnancy charities you could reach out to for advice? I'm happy to do this for you if that would help?

But I feel like this is a conversation that you would have with her very clearly from the outset in this (entirely hypothetical) situation. ‘If you have this child, I will not be parent’.
OP, do you think your daughter grasped your unwillingness to raise the child yourself? Did she assume wrongly?

The parents that enable it end up raising the kid in my experience of people I know. I had my first at 16 and was made to leave the family home and had to do everything myself that's how you learn.
Keep babysitting and she will just expect it more and more.

If she REALLY doesn't want the kid and you don't want to raise it either then maybe the posters saying adoption have a point, I'm just saying because it's easy for a baby to be adopted than an older child so that's something to look into ASAP if that's the route she wants to go down. Being adopted will be a lot better than being fostered for the child

You wouldn't make the assumption that whether you raise someone else's child was your choice to make?

I am not for one minute suggesting that this will happen to the young mum, but in the papers you hear about mums struggling, leaving kids on their own or other risky things that potentially have negative consequences. I always think it is really sad that they didn't reach out or potentially had no one to support them.
Please ignore the"she needs to move out" etc .She is obviously struggling adjusting but there needs to be conversations with support. I hope the little one is a good sleeper. even for a wanted child the lack of sleep alone is so hard.

This. She's very young, and obviously not ready for a baby. I also think you really need to take into account the fact that she's had her world blown up and had a baby within a matter of weeks. At 17. She also had no choice as to whether to abort as she found out so that. That's a lot and it sounds like she's struggling to adjust. Very understandably.

As her parent, I'd be thinking as the pp had said, I'm probably going to have to bring this baby up for her. If she's not ready, she's not ready. And the only other option is adoption which you've said you don't want.

I had my eldest at 16. My parents said they’d babysit 2 evenings per week. I wouldn’t have dreamt of just walking out. Time to get firm.

I had my eldest at 16, and know a fair few young mums and they all raised their own babies, with help yes, but all moved out within 1-2yrs and grandparents played an active grandparent role, but not a parental role. I was just as capable of caring for a baby at 16 as I was at 27 and 31. In fact whilst I appreciated my parents support, I enjoyed being able to do things my way without comment or interference.

Please do not insult mums that have their children young, I was 18 and lived hundreds of miles away from my family, my husband worked shifts and was often away. I was rational, my child was well looked after, my house was clean and tidy and i was a responsible adult. My bills were paid on time, my cupboards were well stocked and i didn't disappear off and leave my child. No wonder our under 25s have a free pass to act like kids. This lass needs to look after her child, no excuses, her child her responsibility, yes she needs help but she needs to face up to her life.

It’s almost as if women over 25 don’t ask their mum’s for help with childcare. Everyone in my immediate circle relies on their family to support a lot (every half term, school pick ups, my friends with babies ask for mums to stay overnight to help).

and let’s not forget some communities where women have children very young as culturally that’s the norm

She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok

Let's not forget the OP's DD doesn't even ask.

There's a world of difference between asking/making arrangements for your DC to be looked after to just going off out and leaving your DC assuming someone else will be available to look after them.

Considering she didn't know until 7 weeks before birth she didn't have much choice with this. I would personally agree set days and times you will babysit, give her a reasonable amount of time if possible, and whilst she's got baby try to work on building their bond. Lots of praise about how happy DS is with her, how great she's doing, talking about fun things her and DS will be able to do as he gets a bit bigger to build some positives
I would imagine most 17 year olds would be in shock and feeling very trapped and hopeless in this situation, it's presumably not the life she had planned.

The poor little boy, what a crap start in life. A 17 year old mother who doesn't want him at all, has no money or job and leaves him all night to go clubbing and a dead beat dad who doesn't want to know. Enabling him to have a life with a financially stable couple who are desperate for a baby would absolutely be the kindest thing to do and would be in the best interest of both the baby and OP's daughter.

I do really feel for OP's daughter, what an awful shock to find out she was pregnant at the end of the pregnancy and have to prepare for and endure childbirth for an unwanted baby that she possibly would have terminated had she found out earlier. She is a child herself and clearly isn't bonded to this baby, she should be given a 2nd chance of making something of her life rather than raising her child reluctantly in poverty. I don't think OP should make her daughter live independently, there's every risk she will leave the baby alone at home whilst she goes out.

A very difficult situation
The child needs a parent and if his mother can’t/won’t do it then his grandmother has to take on the responsibility failing which the child should be given up for adoption
I suggest counselling/therapy

I don’t know why people are angry about pp suggesting adoption. She’s abandoning her child without informing anyone and ignoring calls to return. OP you can’t make her be a parent. She’s not taking no for an answer, and you are going to keep being left holding the baby. So there’s not many options, one is OP accepts that she’s going to have to take on a primary parental role for the foreseeable, and keep working on daughter to accept responsibility. Hopefully DD will grow up in the next few years and take over. Or if OP can’t do that then DD needs to have her options spelled out, move out and do it alone, if she can’t do that then she has some hard decisions to make.

Does she have a social worker? In the sense they may be able to recommended groups for young mums.

I think the people getting angry at the adoption suggestions aren't considering the life this child could have.

A young mother, no assets or prospects, who is prioritising going out all night drinking with friends over her baby, and worse, not even checking in or letting people know that is what's happening. A completely absent father. A reluctant grandmother who doesn't want to let go or step up 100%, but understandably hopes in vain for a miracle that her daughter will suddenly stop being feckless.

Love can't solve those problems.

I would be very worried about a child who wasn't his reluctant mothers priority, who was an inconvenience from birth. They tend to be the children who end up abused by their mothers, or their string of new boyfriends.

I've seen too many situations like this end badly. Adoption isn't evil, for some children it can be a lifeline out of poverty, neglect and a chaotic household.

I agree with this. All options need to be on the table for discussion, even if it's to rule out adoption. Having said that, adoption could be a very good decision for baby in the long run, and better that it happens as a young baby than as a toddler or older.
The focus of everything needs to be what is best for the baby in the short-term and in the long term. Babies mum's needs come second I'm afraid, although she should be having help and support in her own right, such as counselling.
Babies mum is clearly not stepping up to the parental role currently. She has to make a definite choice and act accordingly.
OP has to decide whether she can make a long term commitment to baby and get the legal situation sorted out so it is clear who makes the decisions re grading the baby going forward. If Op is doing all the parenting, you don't want her daughter to be in a position a few years down the line to just up and leave with the child if she decides to hitch hike to Outer Mongolia or move in with an unsuitable partner etc etc.
I think OP needs to be really firm with her daughter at this time, and read her the riot act whilst still being empathic towards her daughter's situation. The first thing would be to negotiate is when she can go out- maybe with op babysitting twice a week? The second condition would be that she ALWAYS answers her phone to OP when she is out.
I think some social services involvement for support and supervision too, at this stage could be a positive thing.

As another poster has said above, please be very careful before inviting social workers into your case. Having worked with many families in vulnerable positions, I have seen first hand where families have reached out to social services for help and ended up having their children removed and not received the support they asked for. In many cases social services is not the supportive network you would expect, so be careful.

It sounds like you are the one saying no to adoption, in which case its your responsibility to raise the child. Is adoption what your daughter secretly wants and youre not letting her consider that option? If you are absolutely sure you dont want to raise the child yourself then allow him to be raised in a family that does want him

Well said, @MadinMarch

Clearly the baby would be better off adopted by a stable couple.

Poor little mite.

Would you be able to speak to you grandson's Health Visitor, or have a conversation encouraging her too? From what you're saying, it sounds like she could be having some difficulties with building a bond with her baby, particularly as she didn't have the usual amount of time during pregnancy to do that prior to his arrival. Where I live, the Health Visitors could help with finding some support for your daughter. There are groups out there for young parents to meet and chat, early years workers who can help with bonding and attachment...none of this has to be a social services issue at this early stage. Just want to say that your daughter and grandson are lucky to have you. You are a huge protective factor for both of them at the moment and I hope that your daughter is able to find some support, as she gets to grip with young motherhood.

When you breastfed, did vinegar come out?!