DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

Except she is able to, because that’s exactly what she’s choosing to do. The reality is that her having a baby doesn’t mean that she’s going to ‘step up’ and parent that baby.

Okay, adoption may not be what OP wants, but what does her daughter want? OP may not want to raise her grandchild herself, but she can’t strong-arm her daughter into being an active and good parent. If her daughter is neglecting her child, and OP doesn’t want to raise him herself, then she would be wise to contact social services and look at adoption. Or she’ll have little choice but to assume parental responsibilities.

The only way you will stop being a live in babysitter is when you don't all live together

She needs to get her own place, and then she will have the responsibility of her own child

Of course, I expect you will be a marvellous help to her and this sounds drastic, but it's only when she realises there is no one else to leave the baby with then she will step up

I dont think making yourself unavailable is an option if you want baby to be safe.

At the end of the day, there's a baby at the centre of all of this, clearly your dd is not able to be a parent. Tbh, this situation should've been considered before the birth.

'Tough' love isn't going to change her. You already said she goes out without telling you.. so she'll continue doing that. Or she'll take baby out all hours in unsuitable situations, or leave the baby. Quite frankly, she could grow to resent the baby and either neglect him or take her frustrations out on him.

If you don't want to be the one responsible for your grandson then you need to contact social services who will try and send your dd on parenting support classes and other support if she wants it. If she doesn't then baby will have to go to fostercare.

I was pregnant at 17 and am very grateful for the support of my parents. They done a lot with my first child, I lived with them for the first year and whilst I was the default parent, my Mum often helped in the night, gave me breaks during the day etc. Once dc was a toddler I started wanting to go out and socialise, which I did. My parents babysat a lot at weekends, and were effective co-parents for a long time. I’m so glad they did this for me. That dc is now an adult and I’ve had other dc since and was a completely independent parent.
I am glad my parents didn’t have the attitude of some on here, such as calling social services (although I get this could be a means to support rather than a negative) or kicking me out and washing their hands of me. They allowed me to learn how to be a parent whilst still having a life. I appreciate they didn’t owe me this, but I’m grateful d my dc and them have a lovely relationship.

This is so difficult, I’m sure you really love your grandchild however do you want to raise your grandchild?
Your daughter is young but old enough to look after her child with some support so you need to speak to her about how she sees the future.
If she wants her life back with little responsibility and you feel you cannot be responsible for the baby then adoption does look a viable option.
Perhaps talking about this with your daughter will be enough to shock her into stepping up to the plate. If not I think a decision has to be made about what’s in the best interest for the baby.

I don’t think anyone suggesting adoption is being callous. If she doesn’t want to parent then OP has a choice to make as to whether she is willing to step up. It sounds like the girl is nowhere near ready to be a mother.

Realistically, OP is now lumbered bringing up her grandchild. Whether she is prepared to accept that or not is another matter.

Me too 😂😂

OP, it’s a tough situation.

would you be able to maybe book a few nights away and almost force her to look after her own kid?

Sadly I have seen this with a couple of friends. The outcome in reality is that the grandparents do not really have a choice other than to step in. and take on the parent role. One of my friends did try the route of firm parenting and being clear she would not babysit and that eventually got SS involved for neglect. I hear the calls for adoption bit few of us would want that for our GCs. It is hard. You pass what you can to DD but in reality can she/will she step up? I suspect not.

Report it to social services, I would say. Unless she gets a lot tougher on this kid, it won't be long until she's raising two gc instead of one.

What about contacting social services for some sort of early help? I know in some places you can get a support worker assigned to you for a few weeks

Stop with the hate speech about adoption. It's really offensive to so many of us who are either adopted, have adopted, are married or otherwise related to adoptees.

Please stop.

The parents decide how "compliant" their kids will be - or, to put it another way, whether they will require (not ask) the kids to obey the house rules for as long as they're in the house.

There was a first time. Whether the OP's daughter was five or ten or fifteen, there was a first time that she openly defied her mother and . . . nothing happened. No consequences. And that's why the OP is in this position now.

That's bollocks. you know nothing about the OP's life / kid / set up / temperament / circumstances beyond those she has shared here.

People are saying the girl may be depressed, need support etc and that may be true OR perhaps she really does not want to be a mother.
Of course she is a mother due to the fact that she has had a baby but if she really does not want to actually parent then nobody can make either her or the father do it.
IF thats the case then she shouldn't (and can't) be forced, maybe she would prefer the child to be put up for adoption so she can move on with her life and do all the things 17 year olds should actually be doing.
She has made a mistake and in an ideal world both parents would step up and be great parents (with support) but there is no sign of that so far.

We never know anything about any OP's life except what they tell us. This one is telling us that she tells her dd she's not going to babysit and she can't go out, and the dd just goes. And OP babysits. Nothing will change unless the OP changes it. Things have got to the point where the dd isn't going to change her ways until she comes home to find she's spending a night in the garden (or, perhaps, comes home to find SS in the living room, waiting to speak to her about her neglect of her child). OP has taught the girl that she can treat her mother and her mother's home with absolute contempt, and that's what she's doing.

That's different to saying that there was one time she defied her mother and it wasn't challenged. You're blaming the mother. That's easy to do, but you don't have the information to support your argument.

Does the boys parents know he has made them grandparents? If they are decent people perhaps they'd be willing to help?

"I've always said I'll support her and dgs but I'm not a live in babysitter and I don't expect her to treat me like one."

Except that's what she's doing and nothing you've said or done so far has stopped that. What would you do if any other person left their baby, assuming someone else would take care of it but not having explicitly requested this, and went out all night drinking? I'm guessing report to someone like the police or social services. Which if you're not prepared to bring up the child yourself is what you need to do here. Not so the baby is removed from family but so your daughter gets some help realising what a serious responsibility she's landed herself with.

I know this has been asked but haven't seen an answer, does she tell you she's going out? Just because you mentioned she leave dgs with you without asking.

I'm not sure withdrawing all babysitting is the right way to go as she is already not acting like a responsible parent, do you think it would be the best thing for the baby to withdraw all support when his mother is clearly struggling with being a parent?

Definitely set up a social services appointment. They won't remove the child now but your DD has to realise that in future that may happen if she is not willing to look after her own child and you (understandably) do not want to raise her baby.

Help and advice should be the first step, not making a point by withdrawing support. She's still a child herself.

Tough love for a while, be out a lot,proper chat once she has realised her responsibilities and that her social life is going to be greatly curtailed for the next few years at least.

It is because its neglect

What would happen if you told her you are only prepared to babysit on w and x between y and z?

I do have the information: the mother tells her she won't babysit and she can't go out, and she goes. This sort of behaviour doesn't just come out of nowhere; a kid who has always been required to obey their parents (over small things, when the kid was small) and who understands that there will be consequences if they don't doesn't just start acting like that; they wouldn't dare. This girl knows that she can do what she wants, and nothing will happen. That didn't happen overnight.

Yes, I'm blaming the mother. And the father (either he's spent seventeen years letting the dd behave however she chooses, or else he wasn't around at all, which makes him responsible in another way). How can she fix this unless she realizes how she's dropped the ball? Either she sees what she's done wrong and fixes it, or she carries on like this, and spends the next 18 years raising the gc, and probably another gc or two as well. She has allowed the dd to act like this; she has to change her ways and show that she isn't going to allow it any more. The dd isn't going to change until she has to.