DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

I think you need to get really hands off, really quickly. Stop being so available, stop acting as primary caregiver. DD needs tough love and to realise she is essentially abandoning her child when she ups and leaves and isn’t contactable.

Social services involvement is probably a very good thing at this stage.

And what happens when OP returns home to find her daughter absent and the baby left uncared for?

Do you honestly believe she didn’t find out she was pregnant until she was 33 weeks?!

I mean I know you hear occasional stories of similar situations but the likelihood of this being true must be very, very low?!

Either way….regardless of her words and platitudes she clearly doesn’t want to be a parent to this baby. The boyfriend made the decision to walk away from this responsibility but the shitty part of being the mother is that the same option isn’t quite so easily available.

I think you need to prepare yourself for being the primary carer for this baby as your daughter doesn’t seem bonded to him, she isn’t going to step up and I don’t think any ultimatums you make will change that.

I’m sorry you are in this situation OP, I fear you may have a very stressful and difficult time ahead of you.

Why wouldn't it? Anyone can get postnatal depression or struggle with being a mum

Of course they would. She's a teen mum who is clearly not emotionally mature enough to handle raising a child.

And the child is safe with the mother. The fact the mother doesn’t want the child with her is not really SS concern.

Do you honestly believe she didn’t find out she was pregnant until she was 33 weeks?!

It does happen.. I met another young mum who had an even ‘shorter’ pregnancy than OPs dd- she found out 4 weeks before. She was a slightly bigger girl and really didn’t have any kind of noticeable bump. She was on the pill and had experienced erratic or stopped periods from that so wasn’t noting anything out of the ordinary, and just generally being a busy 18-year-old with college, part-time jobs, friends and going out meant it didn’t cross her mind.

I admit I do find it hard to get my head round though- I felt, knew and looked very pregnant for the majority of it so it’s mind-blowing that others don’t know.

I was you op 22 years ago. My dd was 15. We offered her endless support as did so many others, but the novelty soon wore off. Its such a hard balancing act wanting to love and support your dd who is still a child herself and doing the best for your gs.

We wanted her to have a life so looked after him so she could socialise and attend college. But it grew to being out all the time and coming home drunk disturbing everyone at 4 am. She was aggressive and argumentative. At 17 she left as she got a rental supported property allowing her to party all the time. She left gs with us. We got a residence order to protect the welfare of gs.

She lost her tenancy and had to return home. The place was trashed. But she was pregnant again. She denied it until 35 weeks. History repeated itself sadly.

I brought her sons up. Gs1 is engaged and buying their new home.

No regrets about the boys but you need to decide what you expect from your dd. I do hope she can eventually step up and be a good mum.

I look.back and think I should perhaps have set firmer boundaries but you cannot force someone into a role they reject. Its easy to criticise but harder to live the reality

This is really mean spirited. Shame.

Poor girl- 17 years old and just about to start what is for most a really fun phase in her life, and then she gets this shock. I’m not surprised she’s angry, sad and in shock.

Yea, women have had babies at 17 for a long time but society have moved on.

I know..I’m reading the ‘not knowing i was pregnant until 7 weeks before birth’ as another indication she doesn't want to be a parent.like you say its actually very rare, and could well have been a disassociation from what was happening. So sad all round.

that said, this baby need steady and committed parenting.

Lots of people don’t know they’re pregnant until they start having contractions.

I know women who’ve had pregnancies and births before and still didn’t know they were pregnant until they went into labour.

If they didn’t know, there’s no way a 17yo would.

It's not "lots of women" it's estimated to be one in 1500

Of course it happens but in these circumstances, denial and fear of telling her mum seems a much more likely option.

It's very sad for everyone

If she does want to be a mother and you don't want to be his guardian then adoption is not an unreasonable suggestion. I think a heavy conversation is needed first

Well sometimes reality isn't what you want it to be.

She's not going to be able to drink and party like all her friends, she's got a newborn baby.

Babies don't just appear by immaculate conception. When a woman has sex, she knows there's a chance of getting pregnant, whether she's contraception or not.

Ring social services.
She is absolving herself of any responsibility for this poor baby, but wil continue to do so while you step in.
She needs a wake-up call.

I think that that is a bit harsh to the OP. Finding out 7 weeks before the birth doesn't really give time to make plans and impress on her that if she is keeping the baby she is responsible for looking after that baby. If fact it is long after she could make any choices. I know nothing about how social services would view it but from what a prior poster says they may be able to help. I would also have a very strong conversation about how if she doesn't start pulling her weight she will end up having to look for her own place and do everything herself.

Absolutely.

It absolutely doesn’t happen to “lots of women”.

I doubt it’s a coincidence that an unknown pregnancy occurs and the woman (well, girl) happens to behave like the OP’s daughter is, which is to show no interest in the infant or being a parent.

It’s far more likely that the daughter knew from very early on that she was pregnant but didn’t tell anyone because she didn’t want to face the reality of it, which at 17 is completely understandable.

As you said, it’s all a very sad situation.

She wouldn't be living with her mum and able to just dump and run!

In theory she could dump and run on her husband but I sincerely doubt it would be considered to be anything but a serious concern for the safety of the baby if it happened often or if anyone found out. The DD is doing this because she sees this as her mum's responsibility not hers.

How about the father's parents? Do they know they are grandparents? Do they want to help out?

(Many years ago I was at school with a boy who became a father at 14. His parents insisted he did his share of childminding, babysitting etc. so the girl could continue having some teenage social life, time to cope with school work etc.)

How on earth did she find out just 7 weeks before giving birth? And nobody noticed she was pregnant?

That's a really tough situation. There's no way I'd be telling her to move out with the baby. I'd be really worried about babies safety. A parent who was attached to their baby wouldn't leave them and ignore phone calls, they would know that babies are very vulnerable to serious illness and would want to make sure they are safe and well. She may also just go out and leave baby with no care at all if she isn't bothering to ask you.
You should speak with the health visitor, if social services get involved then so be it. The baby needs to be the priority right now, not your DD. Which I know must be difficult to balance for you as her mum and her still being so young.

Quite right too.
Not even for the girl's sake. Just because it's 50% his kid. Why should he get to walk away?

The baby's father needs to be held accountable. She didn't get pregnant on her own and shouldn't have to struggle with having a baby at that age alone.

They don't have to be a couple, but he needs to be involved in his baby's life.

There are teen parenting course and groups, speak to social services about getting her some non family support as this will help her be a better mum. Meanwhile stipulate you will babysit x hours per week and make sure she pulls her weight doing things at home. It's going to be hard for a while but a bit of tough love will help her be a great mum

17 with only 7 weeks to process a pregnancy is bloody scary I'd imagine. Becoming a mum at 34 with a planned pregnancy scared the shit out of me and I'd had 9 months to bond with my baby before she was born. When she's home and things are calm, try sitting her down and making a plan for her to take responsibility for her baby. Maybe you could arrange the same night a week to look after him so she knows she has that time with her mates. But unless she's willing to be more involved, you can't force her. You might need to explore adoption, either you taking the baby on officially or handing him to social services to be placed if you're not in a position to take him