DD leaving her baby with me

[CustardCreamsfortea]

My DD is 17 and had her baby (dgs) just before Christmas. Unplanned pregnancy and her then boyfriend (dgs's dad) wanted nothing to do with them both. She only found out that she was pregnant 7 weeks before dgs was born.

The first few weeks was fine and with support from myself and her older sister, she was looking after him with no issues. The last month or so I think the novelty has worn off for her. She frequently goes out with her mates and leaves dgs with me without asking if it's ok. I've told her I don't mind babysitting if it's prearranged and I don't already have plans but several times now I've had plans and she's gone out without asking if I'll look after him. I've then either had to cancel my plans or take him with me. I try calling her to come home and she won't answer her phone or texts

I've tried sitting down and talking to her but it goes in one ear and out of the other. She says she'll stay at home more then doesn't. Last night she went about 3pm and didn't come back until early this morning. Didn't answer her phone in that time. So I was left looking after dgs all night.

How do I get her to step up and start looking after her son?

I actually don’t think this is as ridiculous as it sounds. My dad and his girlfriend had a baby when they were 19 and 17 (I only found out about her when I was in my thirties) My older sister had a lovely life with a couple who had long term fertility issues. My dad and his girlfriend (not my mum I should add) were just too young. It’s a massive step but I don’t think it should be completely disregarded.

Not ‘rightfully so’ when it’s used to dismiss and deny agency to women stating feelings you deem uncomfortable.

As an aside, some women will have PND and not want to parent. Trying to coerce women to raise children they don’t want isn’t ’helping’ either them or their children.

That sounds hopeful, but I'd be cautious all the same.

I think you're all going to need the support of a social worker. Did she have contact with a social worker before the baby was born or afterwards?

Would the college be able to signpost to support?
Her midwives?

I hope you won't be hurt by this, but I would take the 'only realised she was pg weeks before delivery' story with a grain of salt. It's more likely that she realised she couldn't physically hide her pregnancy any more.

I'd probe a bit to assess the nature of the relationship of the BF who abandoned her and the baby. Any hint of coercive control in the relationship? Did he refuse to wear condoms? Put pressure on her to accept sex on his terms? Was she hiding the pregnancy from him?

She may well be experiencing post abuse depression as well as post partum mh issues. Certainly, since her BF dumped her upon learning of the baby, she's probably struggling with that loss plus other feelings.

You're in a difficult position too, of course, and probably feeling very stressed, tired, and worried about your child. I really encourage you to connect with whatever support there is out there because you need it too.

That escaladated quickly

OPs question was “how do I make her step up”. So my answer is to get her help.

You're going to have to sit her down and explain why you're no longer babysitting. Because she's taking advantage of you. Also it's her baby, not yours! Otherwise you could.ask social services for support.

I would hazard a guess that she ‘sorta does’ want to be a part time Mother but largely doesn’t. As long as she has you to step in and do the minding nothings going to change. She is 17 with, dare I say, a 17 year olds maturity. Yes the novelty probably has worn off, parenting is tough as are the sacrifices, and she wants things to be as they were pre-baby. But things for her can’t be as they were.

An extremely serious discussion about expectations, responsibilities etc between you both has to happen and soon, as I envisage you will be raising this little one with maybe sporadic involvement from your daughter, do you want that?

when I had my first child I was 29 - in a fully fledged relationship and totally ready to be a mum - when the baby arrived it was a massive shock to my system after a month or two - realising that the independence I had had for so long was gone and I couldn’t go out with my friends so much (who were childless) or just do what I wanted when I wanted. I found that hard and luckily had a supportive husband and family to help me so I could still have some independence (although more structured than in the past)

if I had been 17 when this happened I don’t think I would have coped at all.

you need to support her by setting some clear boundaries- she can go out on Saturday every other week etc and can’t just leave without making plans for babysitting.

im sure she will settle into being a mum soon

Tell her you will call social services or give the child for adoption if she doesn’t take responsibility; otherwise he may not be the only child you will have to look after.

Agree. It would be in the best interests of the child to have two involved, enthusiastic, loving and stable parents. Not a feckless teenager and no involved bio-father.

I would urgently look into possibilities for finding the baby a permanent home.

How on earth did she "not know" she was pregnant for eight months?

Pretty stupid to threaten her with something that you do obviously can't do.

And I hope she is using ccontraception on these overnight jollies away from her infant.

You have two choices op

Parent the child or tell her to step up.

Why did she leve her course? Surely working toward a career would be more urgent, not less urgent, for a teenage expectant mother with no income and no partner.

What is she using for money on these nights out with mates?

.

Probably to you know give birth?

I've a lot of sympathy for your daughter, so little time to get used to it and no choice in the matter either with it being so late/ Given one she would probably have made a different decision. 17 is so so young.
I would try to take on the majority of care while she gets used to the idea but with strict boundaries which if she pushes then you push right back.

And now a MOTHER.
So she needs to start acting like a mother.

This!

She’s plenty old enough to know the potential consequences of sex. I was sexually active from 16, but made sure I used contraception, cos I wasn’t ready for a baby. It’s not OP’s job to look after DD’s baby. DD needs to step up, OP needs to put her foot down. DD is completely taking advantage.

Clearly she is completely irresponsible or she wouldn't have got pregnant at 17 in the first place, with no stable partner, home of her own and presumably no job.
Not sure what you were expecting her to do once the baby was born? Have a sudden personality transplant?
Clearly she hasn't been taught any sense of personal responsibility at all by you, and now you are enabling her selfish and immature behaviour by looking after her baby for her and never saying no.
You reap what you sow.

I you want this behaviour to stop, start by saying no to her once in a while.

I’m not uncomfortable with adoption. With the exception of SA, or DV, there will be very small numbers of unwanted pregnancies that wouldn’t be addressed in earlier stages.

Im not completely ruling out that the girl may not want a baby (seeing as she had a couple of months to adjust to the fact that she was having one in the first place) but suggesting that giving up the baby as the first port of call is very drastic without exploring other, less permanent options. It doesn’t hurt to speak to a GP, giving up a baby may well do.

OP, she was too young to have a baby...with 7 weeks notice.

You cannot force her to step up.
I feel very sorry for her and you.

The choices likely are, your rear this baby or look at adoption.

I don't think you should force yourself to give up your life to raise your grandson if his mum, your daughter doesn't want to, or feels unable to.

She is very young.
I have a daughter that age and she can barely look after herself and make tea and a sandwich!

I know advising adoption sounds harsh, but the truth is that your poor daughter was forced into being a mother since she found out about the pregnancy so late that abortion was not an option. So there is a genuine possibility that she will never step up as she didn't really choose to become a parent. She is also probably experiencing mental health issues considering that finding out you're pregnant 7 weeks before, at 17 years old must be traumatic. So you might be looking at your options being either adoption or you taking care of the child, as you cannot force a person to parent. As we can see from the baby's father who just checked out with no consequences!

I think your first step would be to stop giving her money, as she cannot go partying without money. Good luck.

His arrival must have sent her into shock and bewilderment.
Having only 7 weeks to get her head around her forthcoming baby, she may be in denial that he's hers and she is his Mum now.
She wasn't ready, and still isn't ready for the responsibility.
Firstly I would contact her HV and GP for advice and also have her assessed for PND
Social services do provide housing support for young mothers, so there may be a chance for her own supportive accommodation

A huge thing has happened to her and she is adjusting (albeit not much at the moment)

A huge thing has happened to you and you've had to step right up and fill her shoes as well as yours. Your DD is , frankly, lucky that she's had that as an option, but it has to be addressed.

It's not sustainable or fair on anyone. Not on you, not on DGS who's primary carer should be his Mum, and also not on your DD who isn't going to be adapting and adjusting the longer she leaves it.

I would suggest an agreed arrangement. Something like:

Ok DD. I will babysit two nights a week. One week night and one weekend. On those nights you go out, let off steam etc. BUT we agree those nights in advance so i can plan to babysit, and on the weeknight, you are home at a time and in a state that means you get up in the morning with the baby.

For now, I will give you your weekend night and following morning to sleep it off.

You also have your phone on and are contactable, You are a mother. I won't ring you unless it's an emergency, but if I do, I absolutely expect to hear back from you within the hour.

Be clear that the other five nights are not an option.
Be clear that if she abuses your offer, it gets withdrawn

Then after a month, reduce to one night a week and no morning support

An so on.

Do you think that could work?

So if she's not working, you're presumably paying for everything? Including the clubbing, and the phone? So maybe... don't?

IME, a single day without a phone can have a miraculous effect on the behaviour of a teen.

Maybe it's time you had a new hobby, OP. Or caught up with some friends you haven't seen in a while. That is to say, maybe be out in the evenings more. With your phone off.