Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

[APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH]

Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

I was going to say the same as @ttcat37 - just nod along and they’ll soon find out the plan won’t work when you’re all actually there.

Maybe a jokey “good luck with that” would be better.

Only on Mumsnet do entire extended families go on holiday together - I have never known anyone do it in real life. Just because your parents are elderly doesn't mean you all have to do it - in fact, it might be starting to get too exhausting for them. Each sibling can just stick to their own family holiday, to suit them - much more fun for everyone.

I’d book one with your own dh, dcs, and your parents.

Not sure I'm seeing the problem here.

• even small children can/should be taught to leave someone alone. You won't let them poke a sleeping baby so there's no reason to let them pester a 12 year old.
• No competitive games- well if they're playing with him they'll need to respect that, or they can play competitive games without him.
• Al fresco meals. Surely you're not going to eat every single meal together, all 4 families? Can't you do a blend of indoor and out?
• do you have to talk about school in front of him? It seems a weird topic to chose to discuss with a child who doesn't go to school.

On a separate note it's pretty sad that you r fsmily don't in any way try and modify holidays to make them enjoyable for your disabled child. Do they miss out a lot?

I would say "Thank you for making it so clear what works best for Jack. You are such a dedicated parent and of course we want to support you and Jack too. While there may be times when needs clash and we have to find a compromise, I'm sure we can work things out as we go along and find solutions that work for Jack much of the time."

Sorry but DS sounds like an enabler to his behaviour. Took 4 tries to get him diagnosed so it sounds like some of the professionals are not on board either. I'd go but not if it was my only holiday. Good luck.

My sister is like this. Demands the entire holiday revolves around her children’s needs and routines and never bends for anyone else. We just stopped going. Pity for our children but I just couldn’t cope with it and the whole event was joyless.

Just send a carefully worded message along the lines of you’ll try your best. Oh and stop inferring her child’s diagnosis is made up. You’re never going to come off well with that approach.

He's more than welcome to take his quiet time - just not by the pool - as it is for all - there will be places he can get some peace that do not infringe on others.
Eating inside - ok but not all the time - his needs do not outweigh everyone elses
No talking about school - should be easy enough.
No competitive games - we intend to play X now - so we will take it into our room or do you want to take your quiet time now whilst we play. What games are not competitive at some level - she may as well just say no games which is ridiculous. There is you all trying your best to accommodate him and not contribute to a melt down and you all walking on eggshells on your holiday. You need to meet half way.
I would say we will do our best to make sure the holiday is great for all and we do not want to contribute towards a meltdown but we you need to have some give and take and this a holiday for all and he does not privileged over everyone else.

It's up to the child's parents to remove him from situations that he's not able to participate in. Not for the rest of the family to bend around him.

No competitive games... So when one starts parents take him somewhere else to do something away from his cousins.

Need for quiet time... They take the child away from the group to somewhere quiet

No eating outside... When the whole family choose to eat outside, the kid and his parents eat apart on that occasion

Some of these responses and the OP shown real lack of understanding around autism.

She is trying to help him to regulate his emotions. If he can't, he is likely to have a meltdown which could be explosive and violent.

I have an autistic child and three NT children. You explain in child appropriate terms that DN needs some space, and take them elsewhere. You work out beforehand with DSIS the days you will eat in together, and the days you will go elsewhere as a family and do your own thing, so DN can see what the plans are and can prepare. You work out a code word or phrase so that DSIS can use it when she needs everyone to bugger off to give him space if he is starting to fizz.

She is not pandering to him. She is parenting a ND child. If you can't make some minor adjustments to help your DSIS and DN manage their holiday without getting overwhelmed and distressed then just don't go.

This seems reasonable.

If it's already paid for you'll just have to be as accommodating as you can.
Maybe another time it would be easier not to go abroad, so easier to do your own thing when you want to but meet up when that works.
Spare a thought for sister who has to deal with this all the time.

'not going is out of the question'

why? why can't you spend time with your parents another time?

I would not waste my precious holiday time/off work/with my young children with a list of rules listed by another family.

As I've got older I've learned the importance of saying no to things I don't want to do or that I think are unreasonable or that I won't enjoy or that won't suit my family.

Sympathy to your Sister and her kids with SN but why should your kids have to compromise so much/suffer on holiday. It's not a case of being selfish but putting your family and children's needs first.

No one gets awards for being a martyr and suffering in silence. Just leads to simmering resentment in families ime

I wouldn't go .

My son has ASD, he's 4. I wouldn't expect anyone else to make accommodations for him. If I felt he wouldn't cope well with eating out (often he doesn't if it's too noisy, too smelly, too busy) then I wouldn't go out for dinner and i'd let everyone else carry on.
Some of things are not unreasonable requests and shouldn't impact your holiday (allowing quiet time). I don't think avoiding talking about school is difficult to do either, we all have some topics that are off limits with family.
I can empathise with your sister because it's always best to avoid the meltdown. I just wouldn't have gone on the holiday if i was her. Unfortunately autism is an unseen disability and there's not alot of support, understanding or empathy around it. Alot of people are quick to judge and assume it's a behavioural issue or caused by poor parenting.

Oh FFS I'd lose my shit big time.

Get the feeling the child is spoilt rotten and this is their parents' way of ensuring the little brat is excused. Took three different diagnoses until they found one that fit him.

And I don't care if people with ASD/ADHD kids are hurt by my comment. Common sense would ensure that a SN child is looked after, but RULES for everyone? Not a chance. I have a 20 yr old nephew with ASD and cerebral palsy. That child/adult now was treated like everyone else with one or two small exceptions. He is a fine lad now, still with needs but has lots of support.

Nope I would stay home, or go to the next resort over and take Mum and Dad with me and meet up with Dsis a couple of times. Waste of time otherwise with the RULES. Your kids deserve a nice time too.

Whew!

You’ve asked how to respond to your sister, so I would treat this as a route to a discussion about how you can all make the holiday work so that everyone can relax and enjoy themselves. If it were my family, and we have a young person with very similar needs in our extended family (who we holiday with) we have always worked to accommodate them so they can enjoy family time and feel comfortable, as well as the rest of us, as that is what makes the holiday most fun.

I’d assume your sister is anxious to avoid a meltdown. So I would speak with her, regarding concerns for busy meal times regardless of location (inside or out) and an easily understood quiet time location - their room / when they have headphones on - that everyone can understand.

Discuss what will happen when kids do discuss school, because people will inevitably slip up, and both your expectations of consequences, for those who don’t meet the ‘rules’ and for his ‘meltdowns’ if they happen.

His difficulties with family time will get worse if he doesn’t feel loved and understood and if his relatives avoid him through too much ‘special treatment’. So i think it’s best for everyone if you can establish a collaborative approach, out of love for your parents and your nephew.

I would make it clear:

The children aren’t going to be policed with their games or conversation topics

If it’s sunny eating outside is a really important element for you to sit outside, happy to let them set up a table inside if they prefer it.

School topic can be avoided

Alone time needs to take place in his room, and not by the pool as the children are likely to be using it and playing.

This sounds like an awful lot of pandering to me, and I would be dreading this holiday. Sorry op. It sounds INTENSE

@FromTheFirstOldFashionedWeWereCursed Thank you for saying that. I'm autistic myself and some of these comments were really surprising.

I'd just tell my sister that I'll communicate those rules to the children and we'll do what we can. In reality, she and her husband are going to have to be on it the whole time. If she kicks up a fuss to your face while there, I'd deal with it there and then. Nothing to be gained by gaming this out ahead of time.

This is your second post about this holiday, isn't it? Sounds like a nightmare to me!

Agree with this really. It's not asking much to avoid a few topics / games in front of him and avoiding a meltdown would benefit you all.

I wouldn't be that happy about the al fresco thing though. Maybe you could compromise and agree to do a mix or eat separately some nights.

I doubt children will chat about school so this is probably aimed more at the parents.

The quiet time is fine, but agree with PP that it's silly to have this in a place where other people will be - can he not have quiet time in his bedroom or a hotel lounge or quiet corner of garden?

Competitive games will be tricky - agree with others that it could be hard to avoid this as it's just how kids play a lot of the time. But what's her definition here?

The part about eating outside is not reasonable for the whole trip. Would you usually have every meal together? If so, I'd break off one or two evenings just as a small group.

Agree and quiet time can be in his room, or they can move to another area with less people, put headphones on etc. let's face it, it's Easter holidays it's gonna be rammed and they can't police the whole hotel.

I'd tell your sister you understand her requests but she can't expect children to follow them . They won't understand nephews behaviour about being left alone or don't discuss this , that or the other .

I think I'd holiday alone tbh . I can see it going sour if nephew kicks off and sister apportions blame .

Do you always all have to do everything together?

Wouldn't everyone get on better if the families sometimes did their own thing on various days instead of being in each others pockets all the time?

It sounds like an extended family holiday is the worst kind of holiday for your nephew TBH.

All of this. I don’t think you need to reply, just do this when you’re there. She can’t micromanage everyone.