Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

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Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

Yes, because I'd prioritise my children and make sure they're aware nobody dictates to them in that way.
And also would they want to preserve a relationship with him?

yes he is. yes his mother is dictating the terms. these are the rules that my child expects everyone else to adhere to.

That was the actual point of the thread in the first place.

Great. Sounds like you've made up your mind. Once the parents of the disabled kid have been put in their place, you'll all have a wonderful time - you, your kids, their kids, your parents. Enjoy!

Your replies make it clear you don't want advice on how to manage it. You just want to be justified in not making accommodations for your nephew.

OP I really feel for you. you've had some God awful replies on here. My advice would be trust your instincts-you know you, you know your children and your SIL and her child. Only you know your family dynamics and as we all know, they can be very difficult.

Trust your instincts.

Perhaps because we love each other? And the kids love their cousins and spending time with them.

I don’t think I am ableist - it’s not ableist to not centre just one child on the demand of their parent. I don’t expect people to centre my son. There’s plenty he’s been left out of and I’ve always taken a “Yea it’s shit but it’s how life is let’s do something else with you and dad” stance

Not relevant. That could cause death. This alone time for her child in the built in pool for and hour while he’s on his iPad and has headphones on. I think he’d be comfortable in his bedroom that make everyone leave the pool area for his mediation. It’s up to the mother to teach her coping methods that will she him through life. Demanding pool time alone is just not on and it sounds to me like this is what the mother wants. What does he know about a pool. This was her idea. How lovely for her.

This!!! Over and over!
Just be compassionate

At the risk of being accused of drip feeding: my kids are NT but my daughter is pretty introverted and likes alone time too. Last two years we’ve been away nephew has pestered her when she wants down time (we don’t label it that she sits on a sunlounger and says she’s having a break for a little while) and gets upset if she doesn’t play with him. My Sister and BIL will then request she plays with him for 10 minutes. If Down time is a thing it should be for everyone

Can’t you just explain that to them?

Sorry but that’s not the same. My kids should be able to talk about their friends at school or what they learnt or their teachers without being compared to someone making “flippant comments about cancer” 🙄

No end of research you say? What research is this? Carried out by whom?

Commentary, again by whom? By people who understand that the increasing number of diagnosis are a result of updated diagnostic criteria in DSM 5, or randoms who don't know arse from elbow? It does matter.

The only source I know of is a BBC Panorama report which only holds weight if one agrees that the NHS is the arbiter of good practice. I, personally do not.

This child's parents suspected neurdivergence and sought a diagnosis. Parents are usually correct. Many children and adults can mask, so if the parents don't agree, persevering is absolutely the correct thing to do. The child continues to display traits and the parents are providing appropriate support. But you dont want to know any of this. You want other people to shut up, know their place, not bother anyone. Everyone is entitled to their opinion but be brave enough to own yours without casting aspertions on others.

Yes, it should work both ways, i don’t think anyone can argue with that. Just say that to your sister?

Oh and re the Al fresco dining I’m happy to say “it’s fine we’ll eat outside” but my worry is he will want my kids with him, whereas I want them with me. My parents want everyone together every evening but TBH it’s a fucking nightmare anyway and one brother and his family are the biggest flakes who are ALWAYS late then complain we ordered without them. I’ve already said to DH we are doing a few meals just the 4 of us this time.

I agree on that. You’re asking children to not talk about something they spend 5 days a week 6 hours on each of those days.

Thats basically their entire world outside of the family and any clubs they may also do.

Don’t talk about what you spend most of your life doing.

So just small talk about the weather and holiday only then… lovely silence the rest of the time 🤣

This sounds a tricky one! I would have a chat to your brothers and see what their thoughts are. I would explain these things to your DC but don't tell them off if something slips around school etc and that'd a perfectly normal topic for kids to talk about.

• No talking about school: Ask your kids to only discuss school when your DN is having his quiet time or not around. I would not be telling them off if they forgot

• No competitive games: This one seems the easiest to navigate and again I would ask the kids to play them when he is not around or having his quiet time. Try and think of what other games they could play or take the competition out of some well known games.

• Not eating outside: This is one of my favourite things to do on holiday so I would just eat separately and have maybe a couple of meals with them.

• Let him have his quiet time: Seems straight forward to implement.

Hope it works out

Correct: they didn’t outright say “He doesn’t have ADHD/Autism” but more that he wasn’t ‘eligible’ for a full assessment. Or words to that effect!

We’ve done it essentially since we all had kids. When my parents don’t want it anymore I doubt it will happen.

Push back will probably cause a huge argument but I would gently suggest that your family will do your best to support your nephew but that you disagree about quiet time being taken in a shared area.
I would also suggest you alternate eating in and out and they can choose to sit inside as they wish.
It will be very hard to get young children not to play competitive games or talk about school.

I would be spending quite a bit of time with just hubby and kids. I could not be eating inside all the time and I don't want my children to not be able to play normally. Sorry, but the world does t revolve around one child.

I used to do it when my kids were younger and it was fun but no special orders were given. We split the cooking, the groceries and going out to dinner and did things on our own too. It’s just short period of time where your calendars will line up bc when they older it becomes more complicated. And good memories too.

Since for a long, long time unfortunately

At lunchtime we usually do our own thing and then eat together in the evening.

My son will miss out on certain things whether we’re with family or not. I don’t think it’s fair for example for my DD to miss out because of his disability - for example he can do certain things at theme parks but not what his sister can do. We still go. It’s not a shame, it’s just life - I don’t expect anyone else to be held back it’s sad but he has to adapt