Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

[APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH]

Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

Their requests are ridiculous. They/he can eat indoors only, for instance, but they shouldn't expect everyone else to follow these 'rules'. I'd compromise by doing some indoors and some out, or just having certain meals separately. I would remind the other kids not to bother him when he has his headphones on, because that's just being polite, but the rest of it? No. The kids can talk to their grandparents about school and play competitive games, if they want. I might encourage other activities as much as possible, but if they want to compete, so be it.

There's probably no way to avoid a certain amount of awkwardness or unpleasantness, because your sister won't likely accept that her requests are unreasonable. I don't know if I'd even verbally acknowledge the 'rules', tbh. Just deal with things as they come up, since cancelling the trip isn't an option.

Other children need to respect others feelings

Does this not apply to all children? Or only ASD children?

The competitive games aren’t all about winners and losers but he just doesn’t like a situation where he’s not coming out on top - tig is another example, he doesn’t like to be tigged

How do you know all this?

The OP didn't state any of this.

you're making this up imagining it :)

Not doubting YOUR child's experience of course but you can't speak for the OP's SIL.

Apologies if you DO know the OP SIL and know this is all true.

But doubting it.....

And sister holiday time, paid for with her money too. Sister wants to ensure everyone can enjoy it and is hoping not to be criticized for meltdown caused by family doing too many unnecessary things that will cause child distress

i would do my best to accommodate. Sounds like DSis is really struggling with it all to have sent that list.

See how it goes. It might be easier to accommodate that you are expecting. No point having an argument in advance.

But you are expecting others to fit around your family? By eating outdoors, leaving the kids to play independently of adults etc. You’re expecting a disabled child to accommodate your preferences, which aren’t even needs.

And if it's that impossible for her child she can make alternate arrangements.

Everyone can't enjoy it if she's making these rules.

Talking about school is necessary, playing and eating outside could be necessary for them on holiday.

She doesn't get to dictate their lives on their holiday.

Is OP forcing him to eat outside?
Or play these competitive games?

How do you know child is ' choosing '?
You don't

I however know about children who can't go to school

So when will you be teaching compassion @APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH because you sure don't sound like it's your specialist subject.

Its nice your children want to tell everyone that they're head girl/captain of the football team/best at sport/champion of whatever but how many hours does it actually take? Surely it's a conversation or two and then they talk about other things?

You remind me a bit of my BiL who made it his life's mission to introduce nuts to any family gathering when my son was diagnosed with a nut allergy. No pesky brat was going to stop him or his children eating peanuts, no sirrah! He'd be chasing them round waving a snickers bar, or (on one memorable occasion) driving 14 miles specifically to source a large pecan tart which everyone then refused to eat. It wasn't a problem but he had to make it one.

My parents bless them try very hard to stay neutral and are on everyone’s side.

One brother gets v pissed off. The other brother will tolerate so much before saying something - last year he disturbed nephews “quiet time” on the sunlounger because he was at the shops when it was initiated and he came back and said to him “Oh Ben mate can I have a sweet” (nephew was eating sweets) to which nephew shouted at him to leave him alone and sister had a go saying “It’s obviously his quiet time he has headphones and iPad on”. My brother didn’t like being told off and said as much.

Is that your answer? That disabled people don’t join family events, if they need accommodations to participate?

No , she wants to be the master of the domain and her comes child comes before else. NO. She can other things to do with her child which doesn’t demand alone time in a built in pool on a family holiday. It’s up to her to divert his attention to something else or maybe nap would be good for.

He doesn't need these accommodations.
He can have his quite time
He doesn't get to dictate others conversations. End of.

He can eat indoors, the rest can eat outdoors.

If he can't cope without dictating others conversations he shouldn't be put in that situation.

So no, if he can't cope in group situations. He shouldn't be put in one.

No, but neither is he forcing anyone else to do anything. And the attitude when he can’t manage these things isn’t exactly subtle. His parents have made a request, nobody’s forcing anything.

Yes he is. He is dictating allowed discussion topics.

How do you know what accommodations he needs?

So you think it’s unreasonable for someone to ask someone else to avoid a traumatic subject? Like someone with fertility struggles asking others to be sensitive and avoid pregnancy talk?

I don’t think that’s at all unreasonable.

He’s not dictating anything. His parents have asked others to avoid a subject that’s sensitive and traumatic for him.

I ask others to avoid weight loss talk around my dc who is recovering from anorexia. Is that also wrong?

No she means no chat about school in general as it gets him down because he doesn’t go.

The only one I’d be agreeing on is making sure myself and my children didn’t interrupt his iPad time. Apart from that life goes on. It’s his choice to play the games or eat inside/outside.

He doesn’t need to take part in conversations about other children’s school days if it happens to come up. I guess a slight comprise tell them to only talk to aunty uncle granny about it while his having head set time but it certainly stunts natural flow of conversation.

Avoiding weight loss as a topic no but if you said they could never talk about food as a whole then you would be.

School as a whole is a huge part time wise of children’s lives, then spend so much time there learning and playing with friends and doing things it’s natural to come up sharing things with your family about it at times.

I definitely don’t want to be hoovering on holiday 🤣

Don't go. Separate holiday but meet up another time

Yes I do. His trauma is his and a universal experience such a school is something he needs to adapt to.

If it's so traumatic that he can't cope with it then he can't be around his cousins.

Well, then we’re not going to agree.

If it were my nephew, I’d certainly care about his feelings enough not to want to cause further trauma, and I’d want to preserve his relationship with my dc. But I guess people are different.