Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

[APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH]

Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

Reading this update makes those ‘demands’ seem even more outrageous
I know you said you have no option but I could not go on holiday with these people

It’s a big holiday with five households, of course the children are going to have plenty of time and opportunity to talk about school etc with their grandparents and family, but just need to be aware when they’re in conversations including their cousin (which isn’t going to be every conversation) that it’s an upsetting and sensitive subject that’s best avoided.

She didn't ask for advice on how to manage it. She asked how we would respond.

Why? He is diagnosed autistic and adhd, the road to that diagnosis isn’t particularly relevant.

She's not asking other people to leave the pool area. He just wants to sit by the pool with his headphones and his iPad and to be left undisturbed for a bit. That's really not a big ask.

Sorry it I don’t think it’s up to the other 16 people to “bugger off” when told, for one person. That’s not reasonable and I don’t see how it’s helpful to a ND child either?

No first post!

I agree with this post. It’s really tough to explain to people when it’s a mental condition. Your sister is trying to keep it smooth by sounds of it. Al fresco eating is the only one I think that jars a bit, but you can eat separately and it might suit their son better.

Personally I can't see anything on that list that can't be accommodated and it's better that everyone knows in advance so your sister gets a chance to relax too, without being on high alert for an emotional meltdown.

My daughter has ASD but high functioning. On her off days, everything your sister has stated is what I'd have to request too. It's exhausting to explain to others but it's more exhausting to deal with my daughters meltdowns.

People still accommodate for physical disabilities more than mental health ones, which is really sad, as both require advance management.

Please don't be cross with your sister. She isn't being bossy. It seems like she's trying to ensure everyone has a good time by being open about his needs

Surely talking about how fun school is would be a good thing! It may persuade him to start going again

Nope that's not how it works.
Imagine the most awful experience you've ever had. Now imagine everyone else telling you that experience is wrong, everybody else loves doing that. If you just tried harder you'd enjoy it too.

It dismisses the child actual trauma, it devalues their experiences, makes them to blame or at fault.
It shames them. If all your cousins can manage why can't you etc etc.

People genuinely don't get school based trauma. People don't get that whole school may be beneficial for most children for others it is damaging.

Good luck, OP. You’re right to think your sister’s demands about banning competitive games and talking about school are unreasonable and impractical but I’m buggered if I’d know what to do about it. I appreciate that this is probably not much help.

I think he’s the hotel proprietor

Sorry but having to manage the game playing of 8 kids and give rewards for what will be a 5 minute game is ridiculous - I’d rather just leave them to it. I’d spend the day faffing around micro managing their play if I took that stance.

Re eating outside - a preference is not the same as an allergy. And nobody would be laughing through a window. And there’s no way I’d leave 8 kids alone inside a restaurant while I sat outside. I do actually want to spend time with my kids on holiday.

My sister definitely doesnt have MBP - he is most certainly ND!

Edit to say: sorry replied to wrong person!

He is definitely ND - and I was v surprised it took them 4 attempts before they got a diagnosis. Then again I’m not a medic! The other clinics said he has MH issues and/or depression and didn’t meet the criteria for an assessment 🤷‍♀️

It’s not unkind - having to always keep an ear out to see if they’re mentioning their teacher or their friend Jacob from school because it’s a no go area for DN is not my idea of a relaxing holiday

This is what I’d prefer but i can see it causing issues.

The more I post the more I am slowly realising how I crave a 4 person holiday next year

Why is it bragging to tell their GP how they’re getting on at school? I have traumas as do my DC but I don’t expect everyone around us to mind their language. Hearing things you don’t like is part of life. How does it help a ND to never have them hear words they don’t wanna hear?

I have a 13 year old ASD/ADHD daughter, who often refuses to go to school and often refuses to eat outside because she's absolutely phobic of anything that flies and buzzes - flies. bees, but wasps in particular.

Quiet time - tbh, I think any child of about 4 and above can respect that if X has headphones in, then they shouldn't disturb them - this should work both ways, so that the ASD nephew should be told not to disturb his cousin when she's having quiet time - or maybe try and coordinate it that anyone who needs quiet time all has it at the same time?

Talking about school - my daughter hates it when someone asks her directly about school, but doesn't have a problem with other people talking about school (particularly if they go to a different school to her). I think you ask your children to try and avoid talking about it in front of nephew, but tell SIL that you can't guarantee that they won't (they are kids afterall and won't remember all of the "rules").

Competitive games - maybe try and reserve them for quiet time, or when nephew isn't around as much as possible, but warn SIL that you can't completely police it - sometimes kids just spontaneously decide to start competitive games about anything and if that happens, she's probably best steering nephew out of the way.

Dining Al Fresco - Maybe one meal all together inside, but then do your own thing for dinner and meet up afterwards, or each nuclear family take it in turns to eat inside with nephew's nuclear family?

I hope it all works reasonably well and that you have a nice holiday

I’m expecting to NOT have 15 people - including 7 children - to change what they do or enjoy for one person. My son is also disabled. I have never expected a single person to modify their behaviour towards him because of his disability.

Yes exactly - I’m not expecting him to do anything. I just don’t want expectations of me and my family to do things we don’t want to do.

Yes I’m exactly the same as someone who is trying to kill a child 🙄

Why the sneeriness over the fact my kids have school achievements? Very odd!

Should they keep it a secret? My nephew isn’t the only one who’s experienced challenges - my kids have had hard times especially my DS and too right they should celebrate the good things in their life. why does DSis get to ‘win’ and silence everyone about their school life?

They are going to hear things in life naturally. But I don't think it's unreasonable for the adults to be aware of just how difficult it is for the family right now. And to where possibly have those conversations away from child during the holiday.
The reality is that any resulting meltdowns will likely have a negative consequences not just for the child and parents but for the whole holiday group. Keeping school conversation to a minimum when nephew is around is in everyone's best interest.
This doesn't mean children can't have conversations with grandparent during the holiday it's just about being mindful.

It’s interesting how people have such different mindsets. My son has a disability that limits him in certain aspects (though not all) and I have no expectations that anyone should tiptoe around him. He has to deal with the fact that he can’t do certain things but other people can. No point avoiding it or pretending other people don’t do things he’d like to do. He has to be an adult one day and I can’t control the conversations around him then, no point trying to now.

I have a disabled child too, I’m not exactly living the dream over here and skipping along with a perfect family.