Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

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Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

To confirm: quiet time by the pool means he sits on a sunlounger with headphones and an iPad and no one is allowed to disturb him. This has been requested in previous years and the kids forget and ask him to come play, particularly younger kids, and then they then get told off for disturbing his quiet time.

If your children are mature enough to be left with minimal supervision around a pool they are old enough to understand the needs of others and be respectful surely?

what’s wrong with “if Fred is on the chair in the corner then he needs so peace so leave him alone for now”

The irony that autistic children spend most of their life doing things out of their comfort zone with the world designed around the needs and wants of neurotypical people.

We had a similar holiday with friends where one kid has behaviour issues… the dad was all ‘kids all have to go to bed at the same time at this time ( regardless of age) because Adam needs sleep’ or ‘ Can we tell the kids they can’t use the pool while
Adam is doing something else’ or ‘ I don’t want Adam doing X,y, z so none of the other kids can’…

We ended up saying nope, the other families cannot restrict everyone else around one kid and dad would have to take Adam off when/if needed.

It was more parenting than the dad wanted to do but worked out okay…

In previous holidays yes there’s been meltdowns if he hasn’t won a game, which is what they want to avoid this year. The not wanting to eat outside is a new thing.

There’ll be 8 kids in total ranging from age 4 to 14 but a few of them are age 9-11.

How about his quiet time is somewhere less central/communal/appealing to the other kids…

Then perhaps he should eat separately or with his family and then join everyone outside for drinks etc?

How about the parents of the other kids do some bloody parenting? Who are these kids that can't leave other people alone? What so they do at public pools, just go around bothering random kids?

My kids do - they like to tell their GPs what they’re doing, favourite subjects, achievements etc. I have one child on the school council and the other captain of a sports team so they do enjoy sharing news with family.

To be clear I don’t think (I certainly hope they won’t be) they’ll be dead in year - more that they’re just too old to be arsed with going on holiday, it’s a bit of a slog and they prefer weekends away. We are a big family and it takes its toll on those of us who are younger so must be exhausting for my parents

It sounds like your sister is quite anxious and is trying to make the holiday as low stress as possible for her son. I guess this is to avoid meltdowns which make it awful for everyone. But you do sound as though you have a problem with your nephew. I would be surprised if your sister didn’t pick up on the implied judgement. I wonder if there is a way that you could try to find a bit of empathy for her and see what could be done - she isn’t really asking a lot.

I have ADHD, though I’m not autistic. The “quiet time by the pool” one seems reasonable to me, as long as the “quiet” is being generated by the headphones and no one’s expected to stop making noise. It shouldn’t be that difficult for kids to remember that when your nephew’s got his headphones on by the pool, that’s the visual sign for “don’t talk to him.”

Not talking about school is unreasonable, and expecting no one to play competitive games is too much of a restriction to be fair. I sympathize with both sides about the “eating outdoors” one. I had a professor who always wanted to hold class outside in warm weather, and I’d end up sweaty with sun in my eyes and about ready to cry. In your place, I’d agree to do maybe one-third to half of the meals indoors. You don’t want your nephew isolated from the family during every meal, but this is something you’ve been looking forward to, and it’s not fair to expect you to sacrifice it completely.

Best of luck.

why do it then? why put you and your family and your parents through this? Why can't your parents just have hols with each child and their children separately. Or if this is not financially suitable then just have days out or family meals. Let family hols be just that, for immediate family so eveyrone is happy and no one needs to compromise so much

If it's that much of a hardship je doesn't need to go.

No I don’t think he should be left at home. Do you?

He is definitely ND, but to be blunt: I don’t think it should have to be anyone’s problem outside his immediate family.

Compassion is great to teach - but walking all over another child’s right to talk about their life, or control their play, is not compassionate. It’s the expectation that 7 children have to fit around the needs of 1 child that bothers me - I don’t do it with my son, and I don’t expect anyone to do it to other kids.

Why should he be left out? Why can't everyone make a couple of compromises.

Why does OP children have to brag about their achievements in school in front of cousin who experience of school is traumatic. When school didn't meet their child's needs aunt and uncle don't want to hear how amazing school is.
I'm sure OP and children can leave bragging about how great they are in school toll a time when nephew isn't about.

If children insist on interfering in child's necessary quiet time (which doesn't impact them) and parents don't parent their own children to ensure they aren't being a nuisance to cousin then they will have to accept any disturbance due to resulting meltdown.

Long gone is the time we should lock our children in institution because NT are too precious to cope with difference.

So compassion is great unless you have to actually apply it in real life? Not so great then.

so simple steps that are no hardship to anyone should mean everyone can enjoy their holiday. But your childrens right to pester someone who has asked for some alone time is more important?

It's interesting to know 3 clinics (of which 2 private) said no diagnosis, which for me would suggest other needs that are not met regardless of ND. Anyway, the demanded level of adaptations expected from others incl. small children is unreasonable.

It's not bragging talking about school. It's interacting with their GPs and talking about school in general. My mum loves to hear about my DC school experiences. It's normal talk -not bragging. And unfair to expect other children on the hols to NOT talk about school just because 1 child is choosing not to go to school

No one objects to quiet time for a child. but this can easily be done by the child going to a quiet space/place.

Compromise is an ideal solution. but it works both ways. The SIL expects everyone to do what she wants. She is taking no interest in the effects on her extended family. She expects the whole family to pander to her demands.

The only people not prepared to make any compromises are the SIL and her PFB

I’d just tell her she is responsible for her child and your responsible for your children and you will always do what’s best yours. They aren’t leaving the pool area for an hour so her son can have an hours time with the all to himself. It kind of sounds like she’s pulling a bullcrap move so she can get the pool to herself and she’s going to have to find something else to do bc his needs don’t trump your children. It’s just absurd that she’d even suggest it. Tell her to take her child on a nature trail and stuff like that if he needs to have a time out. Unless she’s paying for the whole trip and the incidentals she isn’t the boss.

Because it's their hard earned holiday time, paid for with their money and they want to enjoy it.

Parents of NT children on mn are always going on about how much they ‘instil resilience’ in their kids, but the minute they have to be around someone disabled or make a couple of minor compromises they can’t possibly cope 🙄

Has she always acted this entitled? It just the nerve of what she’s asking that’s crazy.

Isn’t that exactly what the op is doing? Ostracising the other dc because his parents won’t do as she prefers?

We're talking about telling children they can't talk about a happy aspect of their loves with people who are interested because it upsets a 3rd party.

They aren't the ones who need to bow and build resilience in that scenario.

The child isn't 'choosing' to go to school.
The child can't go to school.

My child suffers trauma from school.
Actual trauma that made them very unwell.

School for some children is actually damaging and it's not a choice like apple or orange. It is like school is drowning and oxygen deprivation and not going to school is keep themselves afloat and breathing.