Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

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Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

Two points:

About the two failed attempts - it took us 3 attempts to get DD diagnosed, 2 NHS referrals were closed after initial appointments as „not bad enough“, the second was despite self-harm and suicidal thoughts. The 3rd was private and the test results - the NHS didn‘t even attempt to do some - showed results going through the roof.

So, yes, sometimes the NHS doesn‘t get it right. Especially if the child is not presenting stereotype ND.

Also, DD is working with a therapist for 2.5 years, 1 year prior to the ASD diagnosis, 18 months now since to come up with strategies to enable her to live in a NT world. She very much knows that she has to compromise and find ways to participate in society. But she can also ask for adjustments.

You wouldn‘t ask a person in a wheelchair to eat upstairs if there are only stairs. Why should a ND child eat in an environment which causes physical discomfort when sensory overload is happening?

We as parents did lots of exploring which often is just trial and error. Visiting grandparents (all 86+) results in DD having a breakdown afterwards as she is masking as hell even with her having quite times as family often don‘t get the issues a shared meal or a trip together can cause.

Where has all this 'no one else can use the pool during quiet time' come from? I'm certain that wasn't in the OP! If you think allowing nephew to have an hour where he's left alone by the pool is an unreasonable ask you need to give your heads a wobble 🙄

She sounds like a nob. Letting a kid dictate everything is not good for them. They need guidance as they are children.

Or for bad....whereas al fresco is Italian, and understands food.

I know how she talks about her “friends” and that speaks for itself 😂

Why would everyone else evacuatethe pool area? Why can't they just leave the kid alone?

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Wtf! I have an autistic son and I have only asked for children not to touch him- that's it. If he wants quiet time I will take him away from the others not expecting the others to be quiet. Quiet time at the pool 😄, your sister is batshit crazy and entitled. She just has to watch him at all times and intervene gently if needed. I would tell her that you will let her know when your children want to play competitive games so she can walk off with him if it disturbs him. And for quiet time he's got his bedroom. Pool is for everyone. As for school I doubt the kids will talk about it but sure you can give them a heads up. Your sister needs to realise that as a parent she can adapt her life around her child's needs. She cannot expect others, family or not, to live only for her child. Especially not the other children.

I don't eat outside either and no one has ever had a problem with it, is it really that important to you? Anyone should have the opportunity for quiet time and it should be respected.
I do think not expecting the children to play competitive games or talk about school is too much to put on the other children. Easy enough for you as an adult to do it though.
I think there will need to be compromise if you really want to go, you have separate accommodation so you can talk about what you like in there, invite only your parents to accommodation and let your children play freely and you adults talk freely at them times. Maybe some separate meal times too if eating outside is really important. Letting sister know that you won't stop your children playing games but you understand if she needs to take nephew elsewhere if your DC are overwhelming him.

I definitely agree and it makes a lot of sense

completely ridiculous comparison

I misinterpreted the OP's post. I think the parents can make sure the children leave the nephew alone. However, I think it will be anything but quiet by the pool with so many children playing.

I thought Munchausens by proxy too. NHS said no he hasn't got any SN. 2 private clinics said the the same. Then they went to another.

As a pp said, none of my kids have SN yet I'm sure if I went through a slew of private clinics, paying them, I could eventually find one to give some sort of diagnosis.....

It's fair to make reasonable adjustments.
The key word being "reasonable"

Space to have quiet time - reasonable
Restricting others' ability to use the facilities- not reasonable.
We prioritise DS with the darkest, quietest bedroom so he can retreat out of the way and we can continue to use communal areas. He's old enough to sit poolside and use his tablet and headphones if he doesn't want to opt in to playing in the pool.

He doesn't have to play with his sibling or other children- reasonable. But it would not be reasonable to dictate their games or topics of conversation. They have the right to entertain themselves and have fun. He needs to learn to opt out and manage his comfort zone. Avoidance is not learning to cope.

We all get a say in where we eat and take turns. On recent holidays DS (with DH) has opted to have takeaway pizza in the hotel room as a break from the sensory input of restaurants, and DS2 and I go to a resturant that we like the look of that DS1 didn't. Sometimes we ate indoors, sometimes outdoors.

We all have different needs and all make compromises so that we all largely get a holiday we enjoy. That is reasonable.

he can have quiet time in a designated space like his/ his parents room, not a shared space.
a bunch of kids not playing in an enjoyable way not to upset one kid? The world won’t revolve around him; the parents aren’t doing him any favours. There must be some sort of a middle ground.

Why? It really isn’t

Couldn’t be arsed with all those requests tbh.

The alone time one is fine, though if there are young kids they definitely won’t understand that, so your sister should probably make a contingency plan where she’ll take him somewhere else if the young ones are there.

The no talking about school and no competitive games is ridiculous. The others can’t dive for a toy or play games in the pool, can’t talk about their teacher or something that happened to their friend at school? Mental to impose that on anyone.

The eating one is a bit of a non-issue as you can do your own preferred thing with your own family.

I think your sister and her family will probably need to accept over time that the world won’t/can’t always bend to fit her specific preferences.

My introverted DH said as long as we all get “alone time” where nobody talks to us at the pool then he’s up for it 🤣

They are always round each other, and my kids want to tell their GP and aunties/uncles about what they’ve been doing in school, I don’t especially wanna tell them they can’t.

perfect reply

We normally do yes, we are quite active annd will do hikes or days out and other family members are usually very chill and do every day as a pool day. But kids don’t want to be away from the pool and their cousins too much.

What's the 3rd siblings view?

I guess what I’m largely annoyed about is the fact my kids are now older and can be left to do their own thing with an observant eye from the sun lounger - even my disabled DS has loads of independence. I don’t want to have to spend my holiday micro managing their play - I spent years doing the micro managing stuff I have earned the right to relax and not worry about if they’re offending their cousin

well then don't tell them they can't. you've had some great replies from people suggesting decent and supportive replies to your SIL, whilst not compromising your children's holiday. only you can stick up for yoru children and ensure their holiday is fun.

I'm sure your parents will love to hear about your DC school experiences. One child and one family should not dictate the whole holiday

yes of course, make reasonable adjustments for your DN. but your SIL requests/DEMANDS are unreasonable

I've shared my experience earlier on in the thread, but I think this is a little unkind now.

If your DC are older then have an open and honest conversation with them about ways to involve their cousin but don't refer to it as "offending" him...that's a bit unnecessary.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems as though you don't feel your DN is autistic?