Family holiday - been given a list of things we can/cannot do due to nephew’s ADHD/autism

[APATEKPHILLIPEWATCH]

Going away on a holiday abroad at Easter with my 3 siblings, their families and our parents.

We’ve been on holiday with them before and not going is out of the question as our parents are elderly and our kids are all getting older too so we want to take the opportunity to all enjoy the time when we can.

Separate accommodation. My nephew is 11 and has recently, after getting nowhere diagnosis-wise with the NHS and 2 private clinics, been diagnosed by a 3rd private clinic with autism and ADHD. This is after a long history of behavioural issues and other symptoms.

My sister in the holiday group chat has given a list of “rules” for us all, including our kids, about what we can and can’t do around nephew now that he has a diagnosis. She’s asked we all respect it so that it can avoid a meltdown. They include- no competitive games (my own kids are a similar age to him as are my other nieces and nephew). The kids like to do things like throw those little sinking toys into the pool and be the first to dive for it. No talking about certain topics such as school (he’s a school refuser) to him and have asked to share our own kid’s school stories about school away from his ears as it upsets him when he hears how other kids are getting on And no talking to him when he has “quiet time” - so for example he will ask for an hour by the pool to be left alone and we all have to respect it and brief the kids as well. This might be a struggle for the cousins as some are younger and will want him to play and won’t understand to leave him alone. When we go out for meals together we can’t eat outside as nephew prefers to eat inside.

I don’t really know how to feel about this. I myself have a disabled DS but with a physical disability and we’ve always tried to ensure his symptoms and needs don’t impact on others - we just ask people to be forgiving if we have to cancel things, but there’s certain things my DS sometimes can’t do or join in with and I’d never stop the other kids from enjoying what DS can’t enjoy.

Not an AIBU as such but how would you respond? I want my sister and her family to have a good time but I’ll be damned if I’m told I can’t eat Al fresco with my mum and dad (who love Al fresco eating too) whose last holiday it will probably be!

The "quiet time", seems reasonable. I'm a much happier person if I get an hour's peace during the day. The rest of it I'd be saying "Fuck that" to though

I would agree with this… I think it’s fair to say something like “absolutely want to support you and will talk to the kids about school and respecting quiet time… Will also ask them not to race and compete too much. but there may be instances when eating outside will just be lovely.. it would be great on this point to have some options? Can you see a way round this?”
it may be really hot and you may want aircon but I think it’s worth asking for outside options.
i would def go - I don’t think the other things are too tricky and maybe the kids can compete when nephew inside or out separately or something.

I would take this from an angle of firstly that it is actually really bad for a, child with ASD to grow up thinking their environment can be changed to this extent, they need to understand the world doesn't revolve around them. And secondly you all have a equal right to a holiday.

I think school fair to brief everyone not to mention school as far as possible but accept that kids may talk about stuff happening at school amongst themselves

Games by pool I think fair to say the nephew can have some time eg a hour or two with no competitive games round the pool but the rest of the time is free play

Quiet time fine but that needs to be in his room if doesn't expect to be disturbed

Outdoor eating the rest of you eat outside and the immediate family eat inside.

Basically they created a rod for their own back (and I say this as someone who has a dc with ASD and a sibling with severe ASD who will definitely be worse than this nephew as my sibling was quickly diagnosed in the 1980s when an ASD diagnosis was hard to get) then that's their choice but they don't get to dictate everyone else's holiday.

If their child can't cope with the holiday they should pull out.

I would just manage it sensitively. And be grateful your own children don't have needs that mean you have to have a set of requests like this.

Your DSIS and her partner will be making infinitely more accommodations daily, than she is asking you to make for one holiday.

I agree about having quiet time, but it is unrealistic to expect everyone to evacuate the pool area for one person. It would be a lot easier for the child to go back to their room and have some quiet time there.

Your sister sounds like she has munchhausen by proxy, Nephew saw 3 different clinics before being diagnosed (privately), he is a school refuser (is he really? Why would it upset him hearing about school....maybe he wants to go and she doesn't want him to let people know because she is keeping him at home), making his illness core and centre of everything and making sure it impacts how others' spend their time..

Either munchausen or narcissistic. Sorry, I know that sounds awful, but these are honestly my first thoughts.

Exactly. Munchausen by proxy. I also know a few people like this. Their children WILL be diagnosed and by God is everyone going to hear all about it....

Has she got any suggestions for things he might enjoy?

Am I reading this right that the NHS and 2 private clinics wouldn't diagnose him so they went for a 4th assessment elsewhere and eventually got a diagnosis? That it itself is actually concerning.

As a mum of a child diagnosed with autism and ADHD very young by the NHS your not being unreasonable at all

Yes absolutely he will probably need quiet time but that does not need to be around the pool during a family holiday. They can take him to the villa or wherever you are staying and leave you all by the pool (yes I do this).

Secondly games are for the kids to enjoy. He doesn't need to take part but your kids shouldn't be stopped from playing them. It may actually do your nephew some good to understand team work and learning you can't always win is a hugely important skill for kids.

They can chat away about school but remind them to keep it positive. It might help him see the benefits of school.

My sister and I no longer speak over issues like these. The ableism just got too much to bear.

Apparently she took issue with us moving to sit outside at her daughter’s birthday party, because it was too loud and crowded for my dc. Accusing us of leaving her child alone on her birthday (I asked her child if she wanted to come outside with us, and explained why we moved, and she chose to stay put).
My sister also refused to allow another autistic friend of her dc to use the disabled toilet, then bitched about that child allegedly ruining the birthday.

My dc had made an enormous effort to be there. They were at that point totally burnt out and not leaving the house other than school. Being there at all was such a big deal for them. The fact that she couldn’t see that, and then chose for her dc and mine to no longer play together as a result, was something I won’t get past.

See also refusing to meet at my home and insisting that we needed to meet at busy indoor venues instead.

Ironically, she was the one trying to police the children’s play and ban competitive games.

Tread carefully op, refusing to support a disabled dc when you are one of the few people in their lives who can help them is something that has the potential to divide your whole family, to the detriment of your dc as well as the child concerned.

Either munchausen or narcissistic. Sorry, I know that sounds awful, but these are honestly my first thoughts

You’re right. That does sound awful. Completely and utterly awful.

Bit ironic too. Taking a swipe at someone for the way their child was diagnosed and then diagnosing them with shit.

I didn't read it as having to evacuated the pool area, just leave the child being while they want some time alone. I could happily read my book while the world goes on around me.

I may have read OPs posts wrong admittedly.

Surely that’s impossible to police with the children though? Yes, adults can make that call but kids are impulsive, they forget, they are in the moment and not always thinking about what they should or shouldn’t say. You can’t ask this of the children, you can suggest they try to be thoughtful and not mention it but impossible to shield this child from on one ever mentioning what they did at school. 🙄

I don’t read it as requiring everyone to leave the pool area. I read it as wanting to chill by the pool undisturbed while the others play, or do whatever they want, just leaving him be.

Maybe I read it wrong. I can switch off witha book, but as far as I know I am NT. However, there does reach a point when loads of kids shrieking and shouting would send me scuttling back to my room.

This is an incredibly dangerous line of thinking that has led to catastrophic consequences for ND families.

I find it really very bizarre that these are your first thoughts! It's twisted.

It's clear there are behavioural issues and "other symptoms", OP even says that. So her DSIS is not fabricating this.

Not all cases of neurodivergence are clear cut. It's possible he is a borderline case hence not getting a dx, or that his symptoms could indicate different things such as ODD or attachment disorder, but that's not what Munchausen's is in any case.

For school refusers, school is usually traumatic. So hearing about it can be triggering, and shaming. I'm surprised that some theory that's she's keeping him off school on purpose seems more likely to you.

You should be ashamed of your ignorance.

Would you feel the same if he couldn’t eat outdoors because of a severe pollen allergy?
If he was blind and they were playing hide and seek or another game he couldn’t join in? If he needed the hour’s quiet because the noise triggered migraine or a seizure?

Do you have the correct qualifications to be diagnosing strangers on the internet with serious disorders?

The irony.

I don't think any of these rules are unnecessary, except maybe restricting what games the other children can play (but surely they can think of other games and do the competitive stuff while he's having his quiet time?)

Quiet time should definitely be respected and if the younger ones can't restrain themselves, that's what parenting is for. Everybody deserves peace and quiet now and again.

Hit and miss. We now and again do our own thing, but the kids want to really stay and play with their cousins. Quite often it is the case that the cousin’s play is centered around what nephew wants and it can cause a bit of bellyache.

Hi Sis,

We'll definitely try to accommodate DN wherever possible but some of these requests may be difficult. The kids are very excited about their holiday so I'm afraid not allowing competitive games probably won't work. You know how they love the diving competitions, playing board games etc on holiday. I can absolutely let them know that DN won't want to join and to not ask him though.

I don't think I'll be able to police their conversations in regards talking about school. Hopefully they'll be having too much fun to talk about school anyway! We adults will be mindful to try and not discuss school in DN ear shot.

We will absolutely respect his need for space and quiet time and I'll be sure the kids know not to badger him to play with them. Maybe his quiet time could be taken somewhere other than the pool area so the space can still be used by everyone.

With regard not dining al fresco... we may need to split for some mealtimes if that's okay? I have been dreaming of evenings of crisp Pinot, caprese salad and the sunshine on my face for weeks! 🙈

Give me a call if you want to chat things over. Kids are getting super excited now and counting the days!

Chat soon x

It just sounds like you all are expected to fully bend to one childs demands and that's it. A bit of direction to help understand how to keep things nice is fine, but the other children and adults have needs to.

Alone time at the pool for an hour? So nobody else can use it?

Agree.

A long awaited holiday and rare opportunity to have weather and a pool ... and SIL expects the other children to have to leave it so he can have his extended quiet time at the communal pool? Sorry, that's just not a reasonable request.