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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want people to feel sorry for my children

140 replies

cadburyegg · 04/03/2025 21:21

A few months ago my friend was telling me of a situation where her husband went away for work for a few days. Her child was upset with daddy being away. My friend told her "well at least daddy is here with us most of the time - cadburyegg's children's dad don't live with them. So we are really lucky." She happily told me about this conversation.

Last weekend I went to a different friend's house, and she told me "I feel so sorry for your children, because they don't have a reliable father figure".

I feel like something has died in me. I am sick of this attitude. Being a single mum is really hard but I don't want people saying this to me. I just want to move on and live my best life but I feel like I'm being held back. It's fair enough if someone feels for my kids or thinks they're unlucky but why do they have to say it TO MY FACE?

I'm not a victim and I don't want my children to grow up with a "poor me" attitude because their dad no longer lives here. They don't want for anything. I have a lot of guilt for picking the wrong father for my kids but I am trying to work on myself and my self esteem. These comments are not helpful for this. I am sick of it. The double takes when I say I'm divorced. The sad faces and head tilts.

AIBU to ask how to deal with this?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 04/03/2025 21:27

In some ways, they're right. All you can say is that families come in all shapes and sizes and what matters is that they have people to love them, no matter who.

Eastie77Returns · 04/03/2025 21:29

Your ‘friends’ sound awful.

mbosnz · 04/03/2025 21:30

I think they're incredibly bloody rude. Your children have a loving, committed, engaged mother. A lot of children don't have that. It is a blessing that is a pearl beyond price.

Penguinmouse · 04/03/2025 21:31

What were the circumstances of your divorce? In response to someone saying they don’t have a reliable father figure, perhaps a response is “you’re right, they don’t have a reliable father figure, that’s why we’re divorced!” I think have some stock responses will help. People are quite ignorant - nobody goes into a relationship wanting it to end but a lot of the time, it is better for the couple and for the children.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/03/2025 21:32

I mean this in all seriousness

CUT THEM OFF

I'd be fucking pissed off by that. And it's a popular attitude. Single mums are the new punching bags now.

It's perfectly acceptable to have a different family type but these bellends with their Instagram families love to shame everyone else

It's just me and dd and I'm not a fucking victim, I'm a very proud mum.

We're regressing as a society honestly

serene8 · 04/03/2025 21:33

I'd be extremely offended by this too. Such comments lack empathy ... I don't know why someone would say this? To make themselves feel better?

CheckoutChump · 04/03/2025 21:34

Eastie77Returns · 04/03/2025 21:29

Your ‘friends’ sound awful.

This.

AFairDistance · 04/03/2025 21:35

I’d be reconsidering who my friends are. And I suspect there’s some likely self-delusion going on, too. ‘My Nigel may be feckless, alcoholic, chronically unfaithful and addicted to gaming, but at least he lives with us…’

Sid077 · 04/03/2025 21:36

what nasty bitches. You don’t have to spend time with them, make the right choice for you, if you do decide to spend time with them remind them you are not interested in their nasty opinions on your life and find it hard to believe they spoke to their children about yours in those terms. Gobsmacked that any adult would say this stuff out loud.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/03/2025 21:37

serene8 · 04/03/2025 21:33

I'd be extremely offended by this too. Such comments lack empathy ... I don't know why someone would say this? To make themselves feel better?

This, their lives are probably shit but its 'oh well at least I'm not a single mum'.

I suspect my neighbour has this attitude towards my dd. On one of their dc's birthdays, he made a point of telling me about his dad, was weird. I just brushed it off tbh, but this is how people are now. Disgusting

gerispringer · 04/03/2025 21:37

But the kids might be sad. I remember my niece saying to my son( her cousin) - “ You’re lucky - you have a daddy at home and I don’t”. Of course I chimed in with “lots of people don’t have their daddy at home”, but I could see she was unhappy about it.

Dreamerinme · 04/03/2025 21:39

You need new friends. What a pair of nasty, thoughtless women.

LaineyCee · 04/03/2025 21:39

Aren’t your kids fortunate to have more time with their mum because her attention isn’t divided between them and a husband?

Isn’t it great that within their own family they have a role model, who shows them that women can have jobs, homes and children without a man? That women can be truly independent and that they never need to settle?

Do your married friends feel that their kids are worse off than kids raised in poly relationships/communes, where children have numerous “parents?” I suspect not.

StrawberryLane · 04/03/2025 21:42

Your friends are tactless. I've noticed that women with lots of friends are tactful and tactless ones lose friends rapidly.

StrawberryLane · 04/03/2025 21:44

gerispringer · 04/03/2025 21:37

But the kids might be sad. I remember my niece saying to my son( her cousin) - “ You’re lucky - you have a daddy at home and I don’t”. Of course I chimed in with “lots of people don’t have their daddy at home”, but I could see she was unhappy about it.

Doesn't make it OK for these women to make tactless /upsetting comments does it.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 04/03/2025 21:48

I think you need to lose the 'friends' as well as the ex husband OP. What a bunch of condescending pricks! Hold your head up high, you had the strength to walk away, they probably don't. You should be so proud of yourself, don't let them make you feel small. You are strong and powerful.

Ughouchargh · 04/03/2025 21:49

Sounds like you know some strange, rude people.

rosemarble · 04/03/2025 21:54

AIBU to ask how to deal with this?

Of course you are not being unreasonable to ask.

In my years as a lone parent I've never had anyone say such a thing to me so I think you need different friends.

When it has come up, I say that their Dad is an arse and that they (and I) are fortunate to have good male role models. It was bittersweet when DS around aged 9 or 10 put his football coach/manager down as one of his favourite people in some school thing. The manager was really touched when I told him how he was impacting DS's life.

Livelaughlurgy · 04/03/2025 21:54

I don't know is this massively unhelpful, but you didn't choose your kids father... you chose your coparent. Those kids wouldn't exist without him, they'd be different kids. So feel sorry for yourself but there's no point being guilty on their behalf because they only exist with him, for them it's him or nothing.

edited to add- regardless, your friends are horrific. I can't imagine being so obnoxious that you'd use other children's feelings and emotions (imagined or otherwise) as a teaching moment for your own kids.

MisshapesMistakesMisfits · 04/03/2025 21:55

God, I can remember this shit when I got divorced and had three primary aged children and a bellend ex husband. The head tilts, the sad half smiles, the ‘but how are the kids really doing?’ after they had tried to find out what was happening and I refused to give them any information or break down in a wailing heap in the middle of the playground. Used to drive me insane! It does get easier with time but it is fucking annoying!

DrCoconut · 04/03/2025 22:02

People think they have the right to be outrageously rude to single mums. I've had people ask me straight out if I did it for a council house (never lived in one), had I considered an abortion, was I working in a traditionally male job to try and meet a man ASAP. They have suggested there's no point in striving to do anything nice because people won't expect it of "someone like you". The same people usually think single dads are heroes because they have to do school runs and get in from work and wash the kids' uniforms.

AnonbecauseIamlackinginspiration · 04/03/2025 22:03

Thats infuriating! If it’s any consolation I would be much more drawn to you as a strong single parent, than the smug marrieds gang. I’m not a single parent but we have an unconventional family/set up. You find your tribe and they often have more depth. Definitely avoid these toxic ‘friends’ !!

DoYouReally · 04/03/2025 22:06

How rude of them!

Children needs love, care, encouragement and security. I really don't think it matters who provides it but more than it is

I would be more concerned by the fact their kids are being raised by someone with limited emotional intelligence and a lack of tact and with a limited view of the world.

takealettermsjones · 04/03/2025 22:07

Christ. Well with friends like that, who needs enemies?

Could you go with the old Mumsnet favourite "did you mean to be so rude?" Sorry I know it's not very original, but it's probably marginally better than "fuck off" (which was going to be my next suggestion 😈)!

A more polite version... "well, my kids absolutely don't need any sympathy, they're happy and they have a great mum who loves them to bits."

Lionwoman · 04/03/2025 22:09

I would feel sad and uncomfortable too if people that I thought of as friends said that to me. I would question the depth of those friendships and if they are valuable to me, I would tell them how I feel about what they said. If the friendship is worth anything they will be very sorry for being thoughtless with their words and say sorry. If they’re not sorry for hurting your feelings, I would seriously consider distancing myself from the them. Have you known these friends very long? Are they friends you’ve made since you became a parent or are they friends from pre parent days? You didn’t choose the wrong father at all. You chose the right father to produce your beautiful children with! You have moved on and it’s a very brave thing to do. Maybe it’s time to be brave once more and move on from those friends. They were useful for support maybe while you were going through your divorce however now you’re out the other side, you’re a new you! It’s probably the right time for you to start making new healthier friendships now. You have a new bright future to look forward to and the opportunity to find someone new to share your life with when you feel ready. Your friends should watch themselves for being smug, divorce is very common and not unusual. It takes a lot of courage to step away from an unhealthy marriage and build yourself back up. I think you will find your next step to increasing your self esteem will be to detach yourself from them. Xx