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Original poster

To not want people to feel sorry for my children

140 replies

cadburyegg · 04/03/2025 21:21

A few months ago my friend was telling me of a situation where her husband went away for work for a few days. Her child was upset with daddy being away. My friend told her "well at least daddy is here with us most of the time - cadburyegg's children's dad don't live with them. So we are really lucky." She happily told me about this conversation.

Last weekend I went to a different friend's house, and she told me "I feel so sorry for your children, because they don't have a reliable father figure".

I feel like something has died in me. I am sick of this attitude. Being a single mum is really hard but I don't want people saying this to me. I just want to move on and live my best life but I feel like I'm being held back. It's fair enough if someone feels for my kids or thinks they're unlucky but why do they have to say it TO MY FACE?

I'm not a victim and I don't want my children to grow up with a "poor me" attitude because their dad no longer lives here. They don't want for anything. I have a lot of guilt for picking the wrong father for my kids but I am trying to work on myself and my self esteem. These comments are not helpful for this. I am sick of it. The double takes when I say I'm divorced. The sad faces and head tilts.

AIBU to ask how to deal with this?

OP posts:
Dramatic · 04/03/2025 23:03

Yanbu, I remember one time a friend told me her kid had been upset that she only sees her dad a few times a year because he lives aboard (as well as lots of phone/Skype calls) and she'd used my daughter as an example of someone who also has an "absent" father, except my daughters father had badly abused us all and was in prison, never to be seen or spoken to again by my daughter. She couldn't see the difference between her daughters situation and mine, I was really quite upset by it.

JHound · 04/03/2025 23:03

I need to say this again - you need new friends. They are thick and ignorant.

Nobody needs to feel sorry for anybody because their father does not share a home with them. I presume there is good reason for that. For the friends I have who are no longer with their kids father if I felt anything I would feel happy for the children to not have to deal with a trash man in the house - or happy that their parents moved on to healthier partnerships setting a better example.

You need new friends.

Or next time play dumb and say “why do you feel sorry for them?” “Do you think poor quality relationships are better for kids? Weird”.

The fact you keep getting sad faces at being divorced…is it the 1930s where you live?!

iamnotalemon · 04/03/2025 23:07

You are probably a better parent on your own than the two of them and their husbands put together! I don't know why single mums are always thought badly of when they're the parent who stuck around!

I do think you need new friends!

Crazybaby123 · 04/03/2025 23:32

How rude of them. Really thoughtless or spiteful. Who says stuff like that.
Tbh you are the lucky one, no man to annoy you and moan about stuff. Free to run your house without compromise.

farmlife2 · 04/03/2025 23:35

What strange things to say, especially for you to hear. I think I'm fortunate that I have a partner to share the load a bit and offer some companionship, but I also know that sometimes children are better off without a terrible father in their lives and with a single mother. As someone else said, families come in all shapes and sizes.

Dweetfidilove · 04/03/2025 23:36

As a friend, showing genuine concerns for your children would be absolutely fine, especially if they could see you/them struggling in some way.

Using your children as an example to calm hers though, is a bitch move. She needs to focus more energy on getting her husband to be more present for his children than using yours to try and pacify hers. I'd have a few truths for her too.

user1492757084 · 04/03/2025 23:38

Did you inform your friends that your kid's father is unreliable?
Is he unreliable?
Why would they assume these things?
Spend more time with the friends who don't offend you.

CountryMumof4 · 04/03/2025 23:43

I'd be ticked off too, OP. You don't want, nor do you need, pity. Nor do your kids, if they're loved, happy and healthy. They've got you, and it sounds like you're a strong caring mum. Families come in so many different forms and it's ridiculous of people to suggest that your children are lacking just because they don't have their dad around. Some of my most successful friends had a single parent childhood and a v close relationship with their mum - they don't feel they've missed out because their mums were present. My eldest is a happy and healthy young man with his own home in his early 20s. He had no support from his dad (particularly financially) his entire life. We're incredibly close and he's a v well balanced young man. Ignore them.

Ladamesansmerci · 04/03/2025 23:48

Tell them to do one.

Your children are blessed to have a kind, attentive mum who will protect and love them unconditionally. Yes, your children will grow up with feelings about their father as it affects your sense of identity, but they will also remember your love and the memories and happiness you gave them. It's sad for anyone to not have contact with or have a loving parent figure, but your friends shouldn't be commenting on this. That's for your kids to explore themselves one day, if they want to.

Onthemaintrunkline · 04/03/2025 23:55

I cannot believe the insensitivity of your ‘friends’. How thoughtless and hurtful can someone be? In your shoes I’d have been dreadfully hurt at the unutterable smugness of these people. People like these are best avoided, they’ve shown you how they really feel.

I’m not a single parent, but I’ve seen enough of it to understand how hard it is, all credit to you, try and disregard this ignorance.

Enough4me · 04/03/2025 23:58

I gave up on meeting a group of mum friends when my exH went off with OW and their initial support evolved to, 'poor you' and, 'of course my DH wouldn't do it to me' (meaning 'I'm better than you).
These women likewise aren't being your friend, they are using you and your situation to highlight that they are better.
Let them take their arrogance and shove it up their...

LittleCharlotte · 05/03/2025 00:12

RedHelenB · 04/03/2025 21:27

In some ways, they're right. All you can say is that families come in all shapes and sizes and what matters is that they have people to love them, no matter who.

How are they right?

The West children had a reliable father figure, does that mean they had a happier childhood because their dad Fred was around?

How is the friend right to point out to her child that OP's children don't live with their father, so it could be worse?

How are either of these women right?

Please get new friends OP and don't be afraid to tell them why. Disgusing "smugmarrieds". I suspect their men aren't as angelic as they think they are.

Your children have YOU and that's what matters.

Roseshavethorns · 05/03/2025 00:16

My friend used to get the sympathetic looks and pointed comments (her parents had split up when she was quite young). I always remember her turning round and saying (in her very posh Edinburgh accent) " yes, but Mummy always say it's better having one fantastic parent than two crappy idiots" and walking away.
I thought she was amazing. Her Mum was too.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 05/03/2025 00:24

I wouldn't be happy with people saying stuff like that to me either. How bloody rude! I'd be rethinking my friendship with these people. Let's hope their relationships never break down eh?

kiwiane · 05/03/2025 00:28

It is pretty awful to be giving your all to your children and then to be undermined in this way. There is still a stigma about being a single parent family whatever the circumstances; I wouldn’t want their pity either.

RamsestheDamned · 05/03/2025 00:37

That's bloody grim and your friends aren't friends. How dare they?! I wouldn’t have one more word to say to them without getting very angry and making their bullshit very well known to them!

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 05/03/2025 00:37

Roseshavethorns · 05/03/2025 00:16

My friend used to get the sympathetic looks and pointed comments (her parents had split up when she was quite young). I always remember her turning round and saying (in her very posh Edinburgh accent) " yes, but Mummy always say it's better having one fantastic parent than two crappy idiots" and walking away.
I thought she was amazing. Her Mum was too.

Love it and its certainly true. I knew a few people growing up who apparently can from 2 parent happy homes and I was better off than them with my 1 parent because neither of their parents were good ones.

The ideal is 2 good parents living in the same home, the reality is that a lot of kids are better off in two homes or just with mum or dad due to what the other parent is like. Having 2 parents at home doesn't mean it's a happy house or thats what best for those specific kids. Mine get on better with their dad now they see him 2 days a week and not having him in the home. I wouldn't call him an involved dad but he's more involved then he was and has a better relationship with them now.

LilyJosephine · 05/03/2025 00:38

Wow, you have some seriously awful friends -the second one especially. I guess the first one was just trying to comfort her child, but she shouldn’t have told you what she said (it’s a bit “at least you aren’t one of the kids starving in Africa” isnt it?).

Afaik about half of kids in the UK have separated parents - your kids situation is hardly unique and while obviously not ideal, imo it’s far better parents being separated than growing up in an unhappy/very argumentative household.

Just ignore, they are clearly trying to make themselves feel better at your expense. I suspect their own marriages might not be as happy as they appear or else they have other problems in their lives and it makes them feel better “pitying” your situation.

InWalksBarberalla · 05/03/2025 00:44

The fact you keep getting sad faces at being divorced…is it the 1930s where you live?!

That's exactly what I was wondering? Your 'friends' are very strange OP!

PodgePie · 05/03/2025 01:20

Shitty comments from people who are probably insecure in their relationships & envious that you’re capable of raising your children in a loving, secure fashion by yourself. Ignore & possibly find more considerate friends. Single parenting is hard but also deeply rewarding and isn’t something for others to use as a benchmark to judge their own relationships.

JockTamsonsBairns · 05/03/2025 01:38

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/03/2025 21:32

I mean this in all seriousness

CUT THEM OFF

I'd be fucking pissed off by that. And it's a popular attitude. Single mums are the new punching bags now.

It's perfectly acceptable to have a different family type but these bellends with their Instagram families love to shame everyone else

It's just me and dd and I'm not a fucking victim, I'm a very proud mum.

We're regressing as a society honestly

Single mums are the new punching bags now.

I can assure you, there's nothing new about it.

My great Gran was a single mum in the 1890's. She was "sent away", and ostracised from her community for life. My Grandpa (her son) was termed a 'bastard' from toddlerhood, and was forbidden from mixing with other children in the new neighbourhood.

My own mother was a single mum in the 1980s. She (and us kids) were also socially isolated, gossiped about, and othered.

I was a single mum myself from 1998. By then, it was pretty much normalised. Not always easy of course but, societally, I wasn't thrown out of my community.

It's hard for single mums still, for lots of reasons, but I don't consider that there's been a regression.

NiftyKoala · 05/03/2025 01:45

Your friend is not a friend. The things she's saying are nasty and hurtful. I'd not think twice just snip snip.

pennykate · 05/03/2025 01:48

It's hard to imagine these situations, especially twice in a few days. You okay, OP?

OneFineDay13 · 05/03/2025 03:37

Eastie77Returns · 04/03/2025 21:29

Your ‘friends’ sound awful.

This

Am a single parent and nobody has ever said this to me certainly
Not friends or people I associate with. Very patronising and condescending I would say something

Beebsta · 05/03/2025 04:22

Plan a retort for these types of comments “It’s much better for them to grow up in a stable, happy household with me than in an unhappy household where the parents don’t get along”.

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