To not want people to feel sorry for my children

[cadburyegg]

A few months ago my friend was telling me of a situation where her husband went away for work for a few days. Her child was upset with daddy being away. My friend told her "well at least daddy is here with us most of the time - cadburyegg's children's dad don't live with them. So we are really lucky." She happily told me about this conversation.

Last weekend I went to a different friend's house, and she told me "I feel so sorry for your children, because they don't have a reliable father figure".

I feel like something has died in me. I am sick of this attitude. Being a single mum is really hard but I don't want people saying this to me. I just want to move on and live my best life but I feel like I'm being held back. It's fair enough if someone feels for my kids or thinks they're unlucky but why do they have to say it TO MY FACE?

I'm not a victim and I don't want my children to grow up with a "poor me" attitude because their dad no longer lives here. They don't want for anything. I have a lot of guilt for picking the wrong father for my kids but I am trying to work on myself and my self esteem. These comments are not helpful for this. I am sick of it. The double takes when I say I'm divorced. The sad faces and head tilts.

AIBU to ask how to deal with this?

Time to change friends.

The happiest time of my childhood was when it was just me, my mum and my siblings with no man in the house drinking, shouting and doing all of that horrible stuff men so often do. Your children have a calm and loving home and that means everything.

How rude! I may be biased since I'm part way through a divorce, but far better that DD lives in 2 happy homes than both of us together.
Can you come up with stock responses that make it just as personal, head tilt back at them, better me & the kids than (insert their husband's most annoying trait here), tinkly laugh.
Yes, I chose who to have children with STBX but he changed dramatically when we did. That's why DD is an only. Please don't pity us for living our best lives.

Your friend sounds like a tit saying that to you.

They sound like arses to be honest.

What an asshole! Tbh I think more people do think like this but not everyone vocalises it.

Your judgemental friends would dislike me even more - my sons live with their dad the majority and have done for a number of years now! What would they think of me as a mother? And tbh I couldn't care less because they don't know my story!! Judge away...

'Very true! And my children are lucky to have a Mum with some emotional intelligence and social skills!'

Not the same but had so much judgement for being divorced.

Them ...something "your husband"
Me: I don't have a husband, I'm divorced
Them: Oh I'm so sorry
Me: Why?

The epitome of nastiness your friends are. Awful people, not friends. How is it helpful? What does it achieve? They are just plain nasty. Also, they are tempting fate by saying things like that - who says their 'reliable father figures' 'at least living with them' will not be run over by a bus tomorrow, or won't leave them for his mistress? Who can guarantee it for them? They should guard their wicked tongues. And you should drop them!!!!!

@YourFairCyanReader This. I was definitely NOT sorry I got divorced. I in fact framed my decree nisi! 😆
I also get confused looks when I'm asked my title now I'm (re)married -.nope, not a Mrs. Not Ms HisName either!

It’s very offensive and agree it’s rude!!
However.. people who aren’t divorced will definitely have never thought about it from your POV. They’ll simply think it’s a less desirable family set up and not think further than that and it is a bit ignorant of them. If this is good friends saying this to you I think cutting them off is fine!!!!

Her child was upset with daddy being away. My friend told her "well at least daddy is here with us most of the time - cadburyegg's children's dad don't live with them. So we are really lucky."

Her telling you she said this is really bitchy.

But her saying it to her child is also awful - that's the kind of thing children repeat "my mummy says I'm lucky because my dad lives with us and yours doesn't"

Don't worry.. another few years and more of the fu*kers will be divorced and they'll stop saying this pitiful stuff.
Work on yourself and revel in the simplicity of a home without a man and his BS and the work he creates (and I say this as a largely happily married woman). Single motherdom can be fantastic fun (and I had a few years of it) and really cosy for you and your kid. Lean in and enjoy it

God they sounds like c-nts. Horrible attitude! I am married (100 years roughly - feel like it! LOL kidding or am I😄) and I have NEVER pitied a single mum! Admired them yep, but pitied them because they don't have a bloke. LOL fucking hell. As if!!!😆 If I said that to ANY of my single mum friends/single friends, they'd laugh at me, or tell me to fuck off, then start giving me a wide berth for being a c-nt to them.

As pps have said, start seeing less of these 'friends!'

Yes, that is rude. Unfortunately, it probably won't be the last time that people think that it is totally fine to say things like that or just unleash a barrage of personal questions. Questions/comments I've been asked:

Were you in a proper relationship or were you just f*ck buddies? (Erm... none of your business)
Do your children have the same dad? (None of your business)
So... what's the deal here? (Erm, none of your business)
Do your children have any sort of... "good" male role models? (Do you? I mean... none of your business)
I imagine this isn't the life you'd want for them is it? (Is this what you pictured for yours?!)

I had one conversation that was so rude I actually had to walk away. Why people think they have the right to query or comment on anyone else's life, let alone dole out pity for how someone else is living!

Maybe try: "Yeah, thanks for your concern, but I wouldn't swap places with you if you paid me!"

What everyone said

Very thoughtless comments

I agree with this - DD longed for the nuclear family that most of her friends had and even now aged 20 does resent the fact that she didn’t have a proper father figure. As a single mum I did my best and gave her wonderful opportunities I could only have dreamed of as a child but really there’s only so much you can do. Yes, her upbringing was imperfect, I don’t feel sorry for her but I do wish that things would’ve worked out with her father.

Say brightly, "My children are very lucky that their security isn't dependent on Mummy continuing to put out for Daddy no matter how awful he is, and that they don't have a grumpy dad making the household a misery! We are so lucky to live in peace and on our own terms."

Sex and a man throwing his weight around like King Kong are the bugbears of many, many a marriage. I'm sure you'll hit a few targets square between the eyes if you go with this. 🤭

@ThisFluentBiscuit Or...they're very lucky to have a mummy that didn't just stay with daddy for the money/lifestyle 😆

Wow, that’s patronising. I think I’d have to say something even if it was just to tell them that they don’t need to feel sorry, you and your kids are doing just fine.

Make your point by doing it right back.
Say that you feel so sorry for their children because of something. And you were telling yours how lucky they were compared to their children.

It’s a fucked up thing to say.

Id pull them up on it.

You need new friends.

Seriously you need new friends.

I’d be offended by those comments and wouldn’t let them slide. There are so many families with parents who are in very unhealthy relationships, damaging their children far more than single parents. E.g. it’s crazy how many couples turn a blind eye to repeated infidelity rather than separate. I agree that you need a few stock responses to use in the future. I’d suggest something along the lines of ‘were you trying to insult me and my children because that’s how you’ve made me feel’.