To not want people to feel sorry for my children

[cadburyegg]

A few months ago my friend was telling me of a situation where her husband went away for work for a few days. Her child was upset with daddy being away. My friend told her "well at least daddy is here with us most of the time - cadburyegg's children's dad don't live with them. So we are really lucky." She happily told me about this conversation.

Last weekend I went to a different friend's house, and she told me "I feel so sorry for your children, because they don't have a reliable father figure".

I feel like something has died in me. I am sick of this attitude. Being a single mum is really hard but I don't want people saying this to me. I just want to move on and live my best life but I feel like I'm being held back. It's fair enough if someone feels for my kids or thinks they're unlucky but why do they have to say it TO MY FACE?

I'm not a victim and I don't want my children to grow up with a "poor me" attitude because their dad no longer lives here. They don't want for anything. I have a lot of guilt for picking the wrong father for my kids but I am trying to work on myself and my self esteem. These comments are not helpful for this. I am sick of it. The double takes when I say I'm divorced. The sad faces and head tilts.

AIBU to ask how to deal with this?

Your family unit is not inferior to theirs. Tell them that.

Yes to this.

Better no father than one who doesn't care for his children or his wife. Kids know when things are not right between their parents, and when they're getting short-changed by one or other of them.

Also - find new friends.

It's a tactless thing to say. I do have an amazing dad but he's a loving engaged parent. Plenty of kids have dad's who aren't and bring more turmoil in their lives than happiness. It isn't a case of one upmanship. She should have explained to her kids that all families come in different sizes and no one is better than the other. We deal with the cards we are dealt and she was rude to speak to you like this. Do you really need such people in your life? As I get older I'm selective about how I spend my time and I wouldn't want to put myself out for people with such views.

You should google some of the Daily Mail's headlines - single mums were the immigrants of the 90s.

That point notwithstanding, children of single parents have worse outcomes in all aspects of life compared with children in two parent households. It's something no one wants to talk about but it's a significant factor in why "society is regressing".

These are NOT friends. Friends support, they don’t try and make you feel diminished.

There is an unpleasant woman in my village who has told people on social media that my children are not allowed any fun…because one has major physical disabilities, needs wheelchair etc, and the others often choose to stay home with sibling rather than go and play out with her (quite mean) daughter. It really hurt at first, that someone could think so little of our little family and how happy we are, and want to put us down. You must have felt similar, and I’m sorry “friends” did this. It helped when I thought stuff the lot of them - they know nothing about us and are nothing to us.

Your family is missing nothing, it’s a loving family that’s ALL that matters, and you are doing brilliantly.

It's very hard to say what the impact of your family dynamics and your 'friend's' family dynamics will have on your respective children. I grew up with no father figure, I remember going to friend's houses and we would have to tiptoe around grumpy dads, or they would be sleeping and we couldn't make any noise or they would drive me home and not talk to me at all and I would think 'thank god I don't have to deal with a dad!' My life was like Matilda's at the end of the film where her and Ms Honey dance, and play, and feel utterly at peace in their home.
I endeavour to give my kids the same but I'm a single parent who co- parents with their dad and the dynamics are different. They have to adapt to two houses, two sets of rules, lots of transitions and again, the tiptoeing around grumpy and sensitive menfolk which my friends at school had to.

I don't think not having a dad affects you, it's consistency, happiness and unconditional love which makes your childhood happy.

Let's be clear, some children of single parent households have worse outcomes. In the same way as some children in 2 parent households have worse outcomes. Given the divorce stats these days the single parent reason is likely to be one of many other socio-economic factors. Some may grow up in lower income households, perhaps because Mum is the one that stuck around on a lower wage that fits round school whilst Dad is busy hiding his self-employed earnings from CMS. But that will not be true for all. Many will have much more secure childhoods in stable, calm homes, where they aren't tiptoeing around arguing/grumpy parents. I would far rather DD grows up knowing the value of a kind/loving/equal relationship and that it's OK to walk away if that's not what's on the table. For what it's worth, she does well at school, is happy and well adjusted with the circumstances. Her lifestyle has not changed. She still does her hobbies, days out haven't changed. Yes, our car and house are slightly smaller but (1) there's 2 not 3 of us and (2) they are filled with love. I am a better parent now that I'm not living with her Dad.
As per PP 'better to have 1 fantastic parent than 2 crappy idiots!' (I will be stealing that phrase!)

Their attitude just seems really outdated and ill-informed. Daft thing to say as well, because how do they know how their own marriages or those of their children will pan out? Is it the right message to send?
Were you not tempted to be like ‘are you okay? Cos you just said that shit out loud.’

We can all only play the hand we’re dealt, right?

When I was small I used to wish my mum hadn’t married my dad. And then I sussed babies didn’t arrive via stork like in Dumbo simply because their parents got hitched. So my Mum being my mum but another Dad would mean I wouldn’t exist. Sometimes that seemed preferable to life at home, I genuinely would have ticked the ‘not here’ option.

My mum fell out with my sister quite badly when she was about 13/14 (for saying the quiet part out loud) and their mother/daughter relationship never really recovered. Before our mum died she said some stuff she’d never said before. We didn’t really know what to say in response. It was way too late for us to confirm her fears.

Sometimes it’s the brave and decent thing to say ‘enough.’ Don’t know why people in 2025 still think any father in the house is preferable to none. Your ex is responsible for his own actions, not you. And real friends think before they speak.

X

@Hall84 would you feel comfortable voicing those same views about black children? Because statistically speaking, the poor outcomes are of a similar level for children of single parent families and black children. But we know that the reason why black children end up not achieving the same success as white children is racism, both institutional and the impact of racism on self esteem, ambition, health, sense of safety etc. Yet with single parent families, we blame the mother?
We don't say to black families, 'if you could just be white then your child could achieve more', so why do we say to single parents 'you know your child would do better if you were still with their father'. It's messed up!

Let's sort out the systemic issues which explain why the children of single parents have poorer outcomes such as maternal poverty, lack of flexible jobs, draconian benefits that don't incentivise hard work or bettering yourself (I lost my UC when I went back to university as a single parent), better and more readily available childcare, rather than blaming parents.

@Hall84 sorry re-read and I know what you meant, not disagreeing.

Apologies if my post doesn't make sense! What I was trying to say, obviously badly, is that the single parent reason often isn't the only reason and very often is linked to the broken system you describe @HeyDrake and that some children will do better if their parents don't live together.

Fuck em. I really can't abide a lack of tact and empathy in adults (I know slip ups happen but this was glaring, it didn't need saying at all). Just really awful manners .

It’s difficult because in an ideal world every child would grow up with a loving mother and a loving father. Of course the world isn’t ideal and there are many types of family, but having both loving parents (who are positive role models) on the scene would probably be what most parents would want for their child.

I know two single mothers where the dads are arseholes and who have had nothing to do with the children since they were born and in those scenarios the children are FAR better off not having those particular men in their lives, but I still feel sorry for them having to grow up without a father.

I also know a dad raising three children on his own and I feel sorry for those children having to grow up without a mother.

I do think that if the parents are loving, attentive and they are positive people to be in the child’s life, then to be without one of them means the child is missing a fundamental relationship from their lives.

If one of the parents is a waste of space then I don’t think the child is missing out in any way by not having the chance to have a relationship with that specific parent, they are probably much better without that person in their life, but they are still having to grow up without a positive mother or father relationship and that’s what I feel sad about.

However, I would NEVER say this to anyone who was a single parent, especially not to my friends!!!!

Do they have a grandad or uncle that takes the male role in their lives? Just say that. And that they are really loved and kept in a comfy and nurishing home.
It hurts, but it is true. It is more desirable to have two loving and devoted parents. Now, there are many life circumstances that makes this impossible: abuse, separation, divorce, death....
Do not let it bring you fown OP. You are not alone in this predicament.

People with pity I used to steer clear when ds was younger. You don't need these twats.

Yes this.

What dire friends you have @cadburyegg

Better no dad than a deadbeat one.
Tell them to fuck right off and keep going

Your friends were incredibly rude to give their opinion to your face.

However, you saying 'my children want the nothing' is a bit naive. Money, time with mum, activities etc cannot replace a loving, involved father and the positive impact it can have on children throughout their lives.

I was a single parent-my adult kids are thriving, solvent and happy. I would’ve been devastated had my friends said that to me. You either need better friends or if you want to stick with them, challenge them. Tell them that life throws up less than perfect circumstances sometimes and part of your role is setting your kids the example that life can still be very good. Parenting can be lonely as a single-but often, the house is more harmonious than with 2 parents who dislike each other. Christ-some of my friends’ parents were brought up in the 1950s with single parents-their dads had been killed in war. They would’ve given ‘friends’ comments like these short shrift.

They'd lose their shit at a couple I used to know. A lesbian couple, with two kids. The horror!

I would have told them to think before they speak in future. The nuclear family is one type of family. Many other types exist, usually with good reason. Oh, and they are not your friends.

Your friends are a couple of nasty bitches.

You can’t change how other people feel. Some will feel sorry for your kids. Some will envy you and them - you got out of your marriage when perhaps they are stuck in a toxic situation themselves. Some will be indifferent.

You can’t control any of that, so just crack on with life, happy as you are and leave them to theirs.

The misplaced comments were probably attempts to empathise/sympathise. You didn’t like it. But people say stuff all the time that we don’t like. Shrug it off.

Neither of those two women are your friends

They speak to you like dirt in order to feel superior to you and know you feel embarrassed about your situation as a single mother.

Would they speak to you like this if you had been widowed and were a single mother? Of course not.

Drop the pair of them and engage with people who do not serve to bring others down so that they can build themselves up.

They are so awful to do that and say that in front of you!! I have said this to my children about other kids, but they know well enough to never repeat that. I would never say that to a friend.

Yes this is why. People always make these comparisons when something about their own life is off. Probably they are unhappy in their marriage or feeling bad because the kids prefer dad over mum or they struggle with kids behaviour. Loads of people are in unhappy relationships.

When I was single, pre kids, in my 30s, people used to say things like "you must find it hard to compromise and that's why you're single" and "I guess you're too old to have kids now". The former was thinking of leaving his wife. The latter was a friend's dad. The friend had cut him off because of allegations of inappropriate behaviour towards children! At the time I thought these comments were really rude - when found out the context I was much more understanding

I would say something like "we have a peaceful happy home and my kids know they are loved - that's the most important thing" and mean it.