To not want people to feel sorry for my children

[cadburyegg]

A few months ago my friend was telling me of a situation where her husband went away for work for a few days. Her child was upset with daddy being away. My friend told her "well at least daddy is here with us most of the time - cadburyegg's children's dad don't live with them. So we are really lucky." She happily told me about this conversation.

Last weekend I went to a different friend's house, and she told me "I feel so sorry for your children, because they don't have a reliable father figure".

I feel like something has died in me. I am sick of this attitude. Being a single mum is really hard but I don't want people saying this to me. I just want to move on and live my best life but I feel like I'm being held back. It's fair enough if someone feels for my kids or thinks they're unlucky but why do they have to say it TO MY FACE?

I'm not a victim and I don't want my children to grow up with a "poor me" attitude because their dad no longer lives here. They don't want for anything. I have a lot of guilt for picking the wrong father for my kids but I am trying to work on myself and my self esteem. These comments are not helpful for this. I am sick of it. The double takes when I say I'm divorced. The sad faces and head tilts.

AIBU to ask how to deal with this?

People are ignorant.

Im a single parent and actually, I have felt sorry for some of my friends that were in households with children and 2 parents. Some of them have told me that they’ve had to have career breaks because their partners arnt supportive and does what he likes. Some of them admit that they were miserable because their partners not home. Some of them hve loveless relationships but stay for kids and finances.

Im a single parent and hated it at first, but looking back I was better off single than with a man that was abusive and restricted me. My daughter has evening she needs. I have great family.

So no, I am not a victim. And I think your friends clearly arnt friends if that’s how they see you.

Friends don’t speak to one another like that , simple as 🤷🏻‍♀️…x

Your 'friends' are awful. No one plans to have their child's father leave or disengage emotionally, but sadly these things happen. I was a single parent after a devastating divorce and part of a religious community. Some of the comments I got were vile - as if I wasn't hurting enough! But I sure found out who my real friends were...
Twenty years later (amazing to realise that) I'm happy with a lovely home and career. My daughter is very successful with a great marriage and a toddler of her own. A number of those people who dumped me are themselves divorced and struggling. And all I feel for them is sadness.

I would be raging at that comment! I loved being a cosy three with my children and they got unlimited love and attention. I feel insulted on your behalf but love your spirit - you're looking on it the right way.

Wow that's ridiculous. I know some so called nice families where I would not leave my children in that environment, frankly with those absolutely horrible men behind closed doors. Better no dad in the house than a lot of the ones that are. For friends to say that too, your kids are lucky to have you. You don't need anyone else there unless they'll treat you all well

Come on!!!
Her friends are being awful. How condescending to bestow 'pity' on people who don't require it.

Will go through now and try and cover all points.
Their dad isn’t absent, he’s not father of the year but he does see them EOW and once during the week. It was my choice to end the marriage, he brought very little to the table. It was like having a third child, still is in some respects. I grew up in an abusive household. From the age of about 12 I had no friends over because I was too scared of what might happen if my dad flipped while they were there. Even now I struggle having people in my house. When I started having relationships my bar was “someone who didn’t hit me”. And here we are. I didn’t want my kids - boys - growing up in a house and thinking it was normal for their mum to do everything, work full time, do all the housework and child rearing while their dad did nothing. That is what is happening but they will not see me tolerating it in a relationship. Most people irl do not know the history with my own parents, I do not tell people very often, I don’t want yet more pitying looks and also I just want to move forward. I don’t want my children to be “othered”. They do sometimes express sadness at daddy not living here and I can’t imagine how that feels for them. I am of course aware that single parent families have worse outcomes, etc etc. i do not need to be told statistics, I know about them. I am trying really hard not to dwell on thoughts like “I wish they had a better dad” “if only” because i am just done dwelling. There are many things I can’t change so I need to accept them. That’s why I said I feel like comments like that hold me back.

Both of these comments were made by close friends but I don’t feel like they were made maliciously. I feel like the way these comments are always said it’s like most people feel this way. I only know of one other single parent in my village, so i fear these opinions are shared by many. I do live in an affluent area so it’s possible single parents are simply priced out.

Sometimes I have talked to my friends about issues with my exh and maybe that’s where the problem lies - they feel sorry for me because of said issues but empathy is different from being over sympathetic. Both friends I mentioned have their own problems (doesn’t everyone??) but I would never said “oh I feel sooooo sorry for you because of XYZ” because I feel like it wouldn’t be helpful?? But why is it ok to say this to me. I fear that I will not be able to talk freely about things with friends anymore unless they are also single.

Funnily enough, both people who said these comments to me, their parents are divorced. Maybe they are projecting in some way!

I guess what I am trying to say very inarticulately is that I fear these opinions are held by society in general and I worry how it will affect my children growing up. I worry what people will say to them and the assumptions that will be made.

I don't think these opinions are held widely in society at all. It sounds like you live in an unusual little bubble.
Back when my parents divorced many moons ago my mum did move from the more outer suburban areas where single parent families were rare to an area with more diversity. In fact I remember a poll once in one of my school classes and the children with both parents at home were in the minority. Nowadays I live in a pretty standard suburb and it's a definite mix of family structures and I've never heard anyone make these kind of comments.

@cadburyegg your friends are ignorant if they think being a good father figure is just about having a penis. I think they're probably in shitty relationships but justifying this by having a so called father figure for their kids. I'm with dh but I never feel sorry for children who don't live with both parents. I can feel sorry for the overworked single mother though but that's another thread.

They really sound like twats. I currently live with my STBXH and I'm sure people feel sorry for my kids because he does live with us - my kids feel sorry for themselves!
If you're with an arsehole it's even more miserable if you stay, so you have to go.
I'd say there'll be a heavy dose of envy in these comments - it's a scary prospect for me and I wish to god I didn't have to do this but when he's gone we'll be a happy little family that I can protect and keep on an even keel without his rages and sulking.
Lots of people don't have that and probably envy your freedom.

You’re the opposite of inarticulate. You sound great person to me, exactly in line with my feelings and my personal experience with my kids and someone I’d respect and want to be friends with.

The saddest thing about your post is that these are two supposed friends...wtf...

Both are complete CF's to speak of your children in such a patronising as fxxk manner.

In an ideal world, we'd all live in our little family units in harmony, with white picket fences and have perfect partners. Reality isn't like that!! Families break-up, couples separate and divorce. Of course it's hard on children, and yes they miss Dad not living with them. However, it's far better to have separated/divorced parents who can create two homes that are happier, calm and stable, rather than one, that's filled with resentment, arguing and a horrible atmosphere! Honestly, your friends are tackless and rude. Even if they thought the comments, to come out and say them, is on another level. I think I'd look at them the next time a comment is made and say 'are you deliberately trying to make me feel utterly crap, for ending an unhappy relationship'? You don't need to sound annoyed/angry etc, but say it calmly. I can guarantee, they won't know what to say, will be left spluttering and grappling for the words to explain themselves. What it might do, is embarrass them and make them realise they've overstepped boundaries!

Catty friends they are, making sly digs.

That's so kind, thank you