To be worried about sending DD to school

[Journeyintomelody]

Increasingly I am starting to think the pros of sending DD to school no longer outweigh the cons. 5 years ago, homeschooling was not on my radar. I hadn't considered anything other than mainstream school for DD.

However, I am seriously worried about the state of UK schools to the point where I am starting to explore other options. The school system goes against pretty much everything I believe in. I understand how important the social aspect of school is, but, I am also worried about some horror stories related to worsening behaviour.

Am I being completely unreasonable?

I would be interested to hear the experiences of parents with children in reception, year 1 and 2 and also from parents who homeschool. Is mainstream school as bad as the media makes out?

Private is not an option for us.

Note: DD is neurotypical, no additional needs. She's bright but not exceptional - just a happy child.

Thanks for the lovely comment. I am assuming that in primary school children all start at different points, perhaps some are already reading, others are nervous to be away from mum, some can solve simple maths problems others cannot. I imagine it is very challenging as a teacher to meet all the diverse needs of children in class. Throw in a couple of disruptive students (*not necessarily the child's fault!) and I struggle to see how any learning gets done. How do you ensure that the quiet ones don't get overlooked, or the academic ones are sufficiently challenged, or the SEN get the support they need? Is there flexibility within the curriculum to cater for diverse needs or are all the children supposed to fit into the standard model?

Sorry my question is a bit long-winded, I hope it's clear.

Of course some schools aren't good but many are.

What are schools in your area like?

We were lucky in that our local village primary is outstanding and DS has now gone on to an outstanding grammar school.

Even as an ex teacher, I know I couldn't have provided better at home.

How will you prepare her for the world of work, if you end up homeschooling her? The world of work is very much output based, not effort based. Just curious what you were thinking your approach will be on this as I'm struggling to imagine a way someone could do this without tests etc. Happy to be educated.

My two closest schools

• first is warm, village school feel, head teacher knows kids by name, all kids cycle in and look happy, big emphasis on sport, learn through play ethos. Unfortunately, out of catchment (in theory), I was starting to think (based mostly on mumsnet that this kind of school was becoming more rare)
• second, part of an all-through academy, attached to secondary. Terrible behaviour, militant teachers with zero tolerance, kids in ties and blazers with any creativity squeezed out of them. Good results. Kids look depressed when going in, no pictures on the walls (every wall is plain white)

I'm not anti-testing. I am anti-teaching for a test at primary (Of course you need to do some exam practice for GCSE and after). Broadly speaking I believe its better to encourage primary-aged children to explore their interests, go beyond the syllabus to develop a love for learning. Rather than being spoonfed a syllabus, allow the child to go beyond it. Stupid example. Say the syllabus is about bugs, the kids have to know what six different bugs are. Rather than just learning what the six bugs are so they can answer a test question, if a child is interested in a specific bug, I think it's good to let them explore that interest. The chances are they will still be able to answer the test question but they will have learned more around the subject and developed some independent learning skills that are crucial for later in their education and also work. I don't think preparing for work is really the focus in primary though.

Oh sorry, i think I assumed this meant you wouldn't send her to secondary either, apologies.

No worries. I'm just exploring options at this point. I'm also tired and inarticulate at the best of times so it probably came across wrong 😂

@Journeyintomelody

If I had my time again with my DC I would home school.

I know a few who do and the children are thriving.

There are other options too, forest school, Montessori, Steiner etc worth exploring.

So let's take your bug example... I know it was just a silly one, but let's go with it.

This is what I actually experience:

My child bursts out of school, full of beans, telling me excitedly about a load of bugs. Did I know about this bug, that bug? Etc etc.

At this point I'm already thinking, wow, they learn a lot, what even are all these bugs, did I used to know all this too?

Then maybe DC seems particularly excited about one of the bugs. "Mummy, they each have a different pattern, and they live in the desert and they burrow into the sand"

So then I say "Wow, really? Tell me more. Maybe we can find a video of one burrowing in the sand! What else do they do? Let's find out!"

In summary, I find that the school provides so much stimulation and broadens horizons, in ways I could never predict. My child is then free to follow up on anything they have found particularly interesting, outside of school. Obviously, at infant school age (heck, any school age, I'd say), broad exposure should be the priority. The desert bug isn't the thing - the spirit of curiosity and joy is.

I know you brought this example up in the context of teaching to a test. On the topic of testing, I'd add that testing is a core part of any teaching. I suppose you know that as a tutor? Any trained teacher knows that testing knowledge and understanding is an essential part of the learning process, else learners can slip through the cracks. It's not necessary for any teacher, parent or child to link that to extrinsic motivation, or develop personal hang-ups about it, lending it undue significance. It's a learning tool and no more.

I am not going to read any of the responses you have received on this thread as they're always the same.

We decided to home EDUCATE our NT children and it is by the far, the best decision we ever made.

I would urge you to join the Facebook Groups - HEFA (Home Education for All) and Home Education UK to help answer any questions you have. HEFA in particular are absolutely brilliant.

Can you move? It's sounds extreme but lots of families do move house to be closer to good schools.

My experience of mainstream schools is pretty limited as my eldest is only in reception, but he is loving it and has learnt so much. Obviously they are focused on learning to read and write at the moment, but they have a lot of independent learning/playing time. They have a different learning theme each week, it really sounds like they try to make it a interesting and fun. The secondary schools in our area have been up and down in the past few years so I'm a little concerned about that but we'll see when the time comes.

Our local school is great, no concerns whatsoever and DD has thrived. What is it about mainstream school that you don't like?

Are you sure that private school is less affordable than homeschooling, when you consider the loss of wages if one of you are taking time out to do homeschooling? I looked into private secondary for my kids and it's about a quarter of my (decent professional but not incredible) salary for one child.

It depends on op's earning capacity. She might be low income to begin with.

OP, there are issues with schools but personally I haven’t found DC2’s reception cohort (this year) to be very different from DC1’s (2019). Yes, there are some worrying trends - but these are not the whole story. For a neurotypical child with no health issues - personally, I’d try school and see how you and she get on. DC2 is in a very mainstream primary and loves it - lots of outdoor time and a much wider range of playmates than his previous setting. Definitely view a range of schools, though - they are all different.

I understand what you mean about not being keen on external validation. I remember reading a study where one group of children were given a choice of an easy, medium or hard task. They knew they would be rewarded with a sweet for getting the task right, so of course they all chose the easy one. The other group was given the same choice of three tasks, but not told they were going to get a reward if they got it right. They chose the hard task to try to do, as they liked the challenge. Sometimes external validation sets you up to people please and not reach your full potential.

That being said, in infant school (up to y2) there is a big emphasis on praising / rewarding effort and behaviour rather than attainment. My children’s school gives out certificates in the weekly assembly for things like trying hard at maths, having perseverance with their reading, showing kindness when helping a friend, etc etc. I suppose you could see these certificates being a form of external validation for their behaviour. Perhaps it would be better for a child to try hard at reading, or be kind to others, simply because they want to. But they help the children understand what is needed to be a functioning member of society. I’m sure as a parent you have praised your child when they have shown kindness, for example. So its a tricky one to know where encouraging normal human growth ends, and external validation begins.

Honestly, most schools are good, very good and most children thrive.
If you think you have the time, energy, skills, money and patience to homeschool in every subject, while making sure the children are socialised well - go for it.

Unfortunately East London is the one area of London where the birth rate is increasing. It's dropped like a stone in other parts and even the primary schools with the bouji reputations have been struggling to get their numbers. I would definitely consider applying to your preferred school and get your daughter on the waiting list.

You may find that an Ofsted outstanding school isn't right for your daughter. Sometimes that slightly scruffier, down at heel schools are better. The academy does sound bad, but with ASD a bright classroom may be overstimulating. It's difficult to know.

My advice is to view a few schools, pick the least bad one, and suck it and see.

Gently, some new mums tend to get so sucked into the parenting world that there is a tendency to overthink amd over analyse every decision in the quest for giving their kids the best possible childhood, when in reality you probabaly only need to love your child and get it right in the major areas (safe, clean, supported) and 80% right in the rest of the decisions.

On the Mumsnet home ed threads, there seem to be plenty of parents coming on to say how brilliant home education is or how they wished they'd done it, but adults who were home educated tend to come on with very negative experiences. In my experience, children who are home educated can seem happy at the time because that's all they've experienced. However, it can be as draconian an experience (and as arbitary) as the very rigid school that you describe, even if it doesn't appear so at the time. Most children need more than siblings to mix with, and more interaction with their peers than a few hours spent doing activities or clubs.

I think you need to look at a wider range of schools. There will be ones other than the all through that you'd likely get her into, even if they're a trek away.

Or, would you consider moving closer to the school you like? Pretty drastic but so is homeschooling just to avoid the all through which TBF does sound grim...

@Journeyintomelody just to give my perspective/experience -

My son started our local primary in September, so about halfway through reception now. He is autistic and very anxious. Bright and curious but gets overwhelmed and struggles with fine motor skills.

I was so so worried about school for him. We chose our school as it's local, great facilities and the staff are very clued up, have parent Sen meetings etc. Forrest school. Lots of opportunities as he gets older for different clubs etc. We had meetings before he started to make a plan and get a few things sorted in advance and that really helped. But it's a BIG school, 78 in his year, capacity for 90. I was worried he'd fall through the cracks and would find it all too much. We looked into homeschooling.

Anyway. He is absolutely thriving. I can't even put into words the change in him, we're so proud. He loves the structure, the thrives on the routine, he's excited about learning. He is really well supported, the school WANT the kids to do well and enjoy being part of the school.

I know it's early days, I know the wheels could come off at any time. We're not taking anything for granted, we know we have to keep rolling with the punches and stay on top of things. I'm already worried about secondary and I still keep an eye on homeschooling websites etc.

But I'm so glad we sent him to primary, he's got a lovely set of friends and is settled and happy there. Even if it doesn't last the whole school stint, I'm glad he's got this now, if that makes sense?

Keep an open mind and explore all your options!

Your daughter is ready, but it sounds like you’re not ready to let go.

Do you work?

It's up to you but my one fear would be the social aspect of being in school with other children. Does your DC have friends at the moment? If not, how will they make friends if not at school?

Honestly, this type of argument is so facile. Everyone should always be questioning and testing the establishments that they use, especially those they entrust their children to. The idea that anyone who may disagree with some aspects of how things are done should steer clear altogether only allows for an echo chamber to form.

No school or teacher should be afraid to have someone question how things are done.