To be worried about sending DD to school

[Journeyintomelody]

Increasingly I am starting to think the pros of sending DD to school no longer outweigh the cons. 5 years ago, homeschooling was not on my radar. I hadn't considered anything other than mainstream school for DD.

However, I am seriously worried about the state of UK schools to the point where I am starting to explore other options. The school system goes against pretty much everything I believe in. I understand how important the social aspect of school is, but, I am also worried about some horror stories related to worsening behaviour.

Am I being completely unreasonable?

I would be interested to hear the experiences of parents with children in reception, year 1 and 2 and also from parents who homeschool. Is mainstream school as bad as the media makes out?

Private is not an option for us.

Note: DD is neurotypical, no additional needs. She's bright but not exceptional - just a happy child.

The culture of people pleasing. Instead of learning to trust their own thoughts or explore their own interests, children are rewarded for doing what’s expected. The emphasis is on attainment, rather than effort. I think it can cause some children to develop a fear of failure or a need for validation later in life (rather than trust their own ideas).

Maybe I sound crazy. But it is something I feel strongly about. I try really hard to praise effort rather than results, and I feel like the school system works the other way.

We have experience of both.

Child number 1 was an August baby, liked reception, we pulled her out in yr 1 as she was so unhappy and anxious. She opted to go back in yr 4, after 3 very happy years of home ed.

Child 2 started school about half way through yr 2, when a space became available at our school once #1 went back.

Child 3 did preschool etc, straight into reception, now in yr 2.

We have had our qualms about mass education, it can't be everything to everyone. But a nice primary school is a nice place to be. Our local school is a small, single form entry village school, with a forest school etc. A lovely set up. Yes, do SATS etc but very chilled. When we chose it we felt that as long as the pastoral side was good, we could always bolster the academics at home...if they feel safe and happy at school, like they belong, then that's half the battle. It always felt like this school really saw our kids, and got them for who they are.

The oldest 2.are at high school now, which they tolerate, but are doing well. Many high schools are quite big, noisy places which don't seem to really like teenagers very much, which is a shame. We have been very careful to make sure that they have passions outside of school, which helps.

We don't regret home edding at all, it was a lovely period of our life that we would repeat if we felt it was better for the kids and family. We are in an area with a strong home ed community etc, which helped. It's quite common now so wouldn't have the same level of 🤔 as when we did it however many years ago.

That said, I wouldn't write off a school based education. Have a look round a few, with an open mind. My feeling is that if you go in thinking the thoughts you shared at the beginning of the thread you will subconsciously be looking for evidence to reinforce that, I did come across a lot of that in the home ed community. A nice primary school is a fun, engaging place to be.

I asked their admissions team and was told in so many words it was very very unlikely that DD would get a place.

No, I think being at home with 1 adult all day is a recipe for disaster for a 5 year old. She’ll be bored, under socialised and probably develop anxious attachment.

I feel strongly against the culture of external validation.

Not real life. Even now I have appraisals at work. External validation is healthy and normal. Only Insta mum bloggers say it isn’t.

That was a bit rude. If you've got nothing nice or constructive to say, then kindly....
Also, you have completely misunderstood my point.

It was a bit rude but they have a point. This new ‘oh you don’t need to please anyone but yourself’ is well intentioned but massively misguided. It’s normal and healthy to seek external validation as a child. You’re hugely overanalysing something which is normal human behaviour even if it doesn’t fit with an inspirational quote from Facebook.

You need to look at a variety of schools and their application criteria more generally, lots of kids attend across boroughs in inner cities.

To be honest a lot of schools nowadays do focus on praising effort rather than attainment. They also focus on well being, growth mindset, child led learning and a bunch of other things you might like. All that said if your daughter only gets offered places at schools you really don't like, then home ed. But don't assume she won't get a place at the school you do like and maybe don't assume that all schools operate on principles you disagree with.

I asked their admissions team and was told in so many words it was very very unlikely that DD would get a place.

Why don't you just look up online the furthest distance admitted - would take you far less time than typing out your OP.

When is your dc 5? Falling birth rates and transient population change demand and whether you might qualify for a place.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I think you summed up the issue with secondary schools perfectly, for some strange reason they seem to not like teenagers much!
I'm more likely to send DD to school despite my reservations. It is reassuring to hear some of the positive experiences to balance the negatives.

With your strongly held beliefs, I honestly would home school your child. If not, you are going to spend each day complaining to school about what you do and don't agree with. Save everyone the pain.

I feel strongly against the culture of external validation

Would you prefer doctors didn't have to do exams to be doctors, or pilots to be pilots, or lawyers to be lawyers, electricians to be electricians....?

We're all being "externally validated" all the time. We have performance appraisals and promotions at work, we get badges for swimming 100m, badges at Brownies, certificates for playing the piano well, rewards for spending £££ at Sainsbury's.

To allow your daughter to not be "externally validated" is pretentiousness and setting her up for failure in the real, adult world.

I don't understand. I already have looked it up. We live just outside the circle on the map (if that makes sense).

I think some schools have a stronger focus on testing than others. SATs aren't until year six anyway so years after they start. Similarly some schools do more homework than others- usually a focus on reading early on. I don't think we had any reception kids starting not potty trained (this seems a bit overblown by the media imo).

There are a lot of needs often in a primary classroom but a good primary school is a great place for children to be.

I try really hard to praise effort rather than results, and I feel like the school system works the other way.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get rewarded for effort in work if I didn't achieve results.

My children’s school has none of those issues. It’s a happy, thriving community where my children are happy, learning and well supported.

They take SATs obviously, but are very laid back about it and I wouldn’t say there was a focus on testing. They don’t have homework except reading until y6, they barely have spelling tests and certainly not in y1 (unless they’re by stealth and the kids didn’t notice!), I have never known them insist on children reading the same books repeatedly and the only screen time, other than wet play and actual computing lessons, is the occasional and relevant five minute video clip. It’s quite hard to show children what the jitterbug is for example without screens!

They go on a dozen trips a year, have forest school and have external visitors ranging from exotic animals to historians to climate scientists to a polar explorer. They have opportunities in music, drama, sports clubs, art clubs, nature clubs and a thriving gardening group. They’re involved in the local church and they take part in community service projects.

Yes, there are children with SEN, including a couple who are incontinent. Those children are a full and valuable part of school life. Other than that there really isn’t an issue with potty training or children in nappies beyond nursery class. I have no idea where the stats on kids in nappies come from, but it’s not reflected in my children’s school - which is by no means posh, it’s actually in quite a deprived area.

Nothing wrong with home education, I think it’s great if done well, but make a positive choice after visiting some schools, don’t base it on the media!

I agree and it’s not lost on me that every parent with this ‘style’ ends up with kids with an anxiety diagnosis.

You are reading way too many media reports OP. I have worked in both Infant, First and Junior schools for 13 years, and can say that I have never come across a child still in nappies in Reception, that wasn't SEN. SATS are only in Year 2 and 6, - in Year 2, your child won't even be aware she's taking them - it will be a 'quiz'. Yes, in Year 6, she would be more aware, it can't be hidden. It's done over a week, out of an entire school year, usually in May. As for homework - reading practice (once the book is finished they move onto another, no idea why you think they'd read the same one over and over) helps build vocabulary, improves spellings, imagination etc. Spellings again are an important part of learning. Reception is an extension of pre-school, where they get to play a lot, even in Year 1 to a degree. You have a lot of preconceived ideas, that appear to be born out of horror stories you've read or a bad experience by a parent. Yes, schools vary but the majority are good, where staff care about the children and the children thrive. You need to visit and tour your local Infant/First/Primary schools.

But not every child within the circle will apply to the same school and there will be a priority category for those outside to be offered any remaining places , probably allocated by siblings, distance etc if there are more applicants than spaces.

I felt a bit like you, but went to have a look around the local primary school and it was love at first sight. The school have my children so much that I couldn't have given them, and set my daughter on the path to what will hopefully be her career. I found amazing community and support. Some schools aren't great, but others can be life-changingly good.

I agree.

Humans are social animals, we live in societies. Each individual benefits from living in society: we benefit from specialists performing their individual roles. Our side of the deal is we have to fit into society by being (within moderation), useful, pleasant to be around, non-violent, law-abiding. Basically "win friends and influence people". Tests and exams help people specialise in society.

Mocking all this as "people pleasing" is short-sighted. You're not empowering your child by making them an isolated individualist. You'll just make it harder for her to access the benefits of society.

You're better off teaching her to hold her own around others, understanding which expectations to meet and which to ignore, equipping her with useful and profitable skills (including soft skills)...not opting out of all social expectations altogether with gimmicky phrases like "people pleasing".

Nb I'm not implying that's what home schooling is. But op seems to want to home school for bad reasons (imo).

Also if you homeschool your daughter how will she socialise? Make friends? Learn about viewpoints and opinions that arent your households?

Ok I can answer these as a parent with a child in Year 1 who is young for his age and also only turned 4 a month before starting school!
1: They don’t have screen time at our school unless the lesson is learning about how computers and IT works.
2: spelling tests were scrapped totally by our school 18 months ago
3: they read the same book to the teacher 3 times in YEAR 1 and RECEPTION to give them confidence and make reading feel easy and stress free not to bore them for goodness sake, it works so well!
3: kids not being potty trained is a huge failing on the parents and nothing at all to do with teachers or schools, at our school they won’t accept a child into reception in nappies and if they soil they change themselves or a parent is called in to do it if they can’t or won’t. Teachers are not potty training kids in school 😂
4; this is just arrogant and says you need to have a look at your attitude, my experience with school is that they absolutely do that and my boys love learning and enjoy school and month on month they visibly learn and their work improves as well as their general knowledge of the world.

With respect you are sounding like a fool here who thinks they know all about school life but what you’ve said shows you have no idea at all just presumptions that are broadly very much wrong!

Find a good school.