AIBU to have not reacted when my daughter’s hair was grabbed, twisted and pulled by a non-verbal autistic man.

[SillyOldBucket]

At the weekend we visited a National Trust venue and stopped at the café for some lunch. My husband and one teenager daughter were sitting outside while I and our other 17-year-old daughter, who has long very blonde hair, joined the queue inside. I was standing just in front of her in the queue when I became aware of a boy/young man (I would guess aged about 20) beside us. He had his face up close to my daughter and was smiling at her. Initially, I thought it was someone she knew from college or her Saturday job but then all of a sudden he grabbed her hair, twisted it tightly around his hand, and was pulling very hard. I quickly realized that she didn’t know him and that he was non-verbal, probably autistic. However, I then remember that I kind of froze, thinking what do I do and didn’t know how to react. If it was a normal person, I would have at the very least shouted at them to let go or tried to prise their hand open, but I wasn’t sure if he would have responded badly or done something worse. I had time to think all this before his carer appeared and tried to get him to release his grip, but it took a good minute. To make matters worse, the young man then skipped into the kitchen behind the servery and his carer had to bring him back out, walked past us and exactly the same thing happened again!! The carer managed to get the boy to release his grip but no apology or anything. My daughter was quite shocked by it, but I think she was more shocked that I didn’t intervene, and I feel terrible and ashamed. My gut reaction should have been to protect her, but I think because we are always being taught to be understanding and tolerant of neurodiversity, I just froze not knowing what to do or how to react. What would anyone else have done in this situation? Can anyone with specialized knowledge advise on what would have been the correct thing to do? It’s made me realise that there is very little public knowledge/education on how to respond when confronted with a situation like this and also raises the question of whether it was assault. If it had been someone without autism, it would surely have been assault but because they were clearly on the spectrum, are we to be more tolerant despite being subjected to pain and shock?

No we don't need to be "kind and compassionate" to men who assault us ffs.

MNHQ have been deleting posts. They must be monitoring it. That should tell you all you need to know.

Quite agree. There’s plenty of kindness and understanding and bending over backwards and making accommodations to the extent that women like the OP are apologising when their own children are victims of violence.

its utter, utter, nonsense.

Just a reminder for some of you there that the OPs daughter is the victim here.

Clearly

My son (11) does. He's not abnormal. Your comment is entirely cruel and offensive, brought about by a very small mind.

Autism, severe intellectual disability, non verbal, gdd - I could go on. All of these disabilities mean his behaviour is normal - for him.

The issue here in OPs case is with the carer, not the young man.

Thanks for kindly pointing that out 😐

No, I don't think I did the right thing. I don't know how that came across on my post. I said I felt terrible and ashamed and was just stating what my thought process was at that time but at no point did I say I thought I had done the right thing and I don't know how my post was interpreted in that way.

Oh that must have been a terrible shock for you both. Please don't blame yourself for how you reacted. It was shock.
Perhaps any interference from you might have resulted in further pain for your daughter. If you'd shouted he likely would have pulled & that could have just been awful. The best thing may have been to stay completely calm like you did & let his carer intervene.
I hope your daughter is OK.

An apology from carer should have happened.

Of course that behaviour is abnormal.

If it was normal there’d be no need to call it neurodiverse, would there.

If your son grabbed a young girls hair it may be normal to him but he’s not the only person involved, and anyone in danger has the right to defend themselves

Situations need management, and a plan, those of us who have worked in care know that, and staff levels right

Diverse means different. Not abnormal.

Neurosiverse means different too. Not abnormal.

Defend - yes of course!! Not once have I suggested that's not the case. BUT it should never have got to that point. The carer allowing him to run into the kitchen and grab people is absolutely appalling. The young man has been let down.

Doesn't change my original stance that people in this thread referring to the man as not normal has disgusted me.

What a shit world my son is growing up into.

I haven't seen anyone say that on this thread at all. FFS.

x2boys · Today 19:10
Don't be.obtuse
What about an adult with the mind of a baby/toddler?

TBf, in such situations, the mind isn’t the issue, the strength of an adult is.

Nobody has said that.

Gently, if your son is neurodivergent, people don't think to themselves, "oh, that's just diversity." Regardless what term a person may use to describe someone: 'normal' 'abnormal' 'neurodiverse' 'neurodivergent' 'neurotypical' 'typical' etc., they still see that person the same way. What words you expect people to use won't change how people see behavior. Words aren't magic that way.

However, how people treat your son is the key. Are they understanding? Do they seek to help him? Are they able to see the positives of his personality?

This sounds like you are projecting a little. Someone who has severe LD may have little understanding or impulse control. Entirely different to a man intentionally attacking a woman. If you actually bothered to read up on these disabilities you might understand that. Nobody has said this behaviour is ok and we should let it happen, but we do need to consider why. The person has severe LD and was not being looked after properly. You cannot change the fact that his brain did not develop properly, but he could have had enough staff with them to mitigate the risks.

It is also worth bearing in mind that this 'man' you speak of in your post has a mental age of a preschool kid. People on this thread would go nuts at someone assaulting a child, but I think it's perfectly ok to aggressively retaliate against someone with the mental age of one in this situation.

I am getting very sick of these threads bashing disabled people.@MNHQ you are shit at dealing with them. When are you going to sort this out? Do we have to complain?

You could easily move these to the SEN boards so someone could actually get decent advice, but instead you prefer a troll pile on instead.

Thanks for the reminder, but can't recall anyone saying that she wasn't??

Assault is assault and I give no shits what disability or motivation it has behind it. Touch my daughter and I will react and I will report it regardless if the police act.

PorcelainPig

This sounds like you are projecting a little. Someone who has severe LD may have little understanding or impulse control. Entirely different to a man intentionally attacking a woman.

The result for the woman is the same, though.

Very true @MrsSkylerWhite & yet women are expected to be kind & put up with it.

Yes the result is the same, but the reasons are different. That was the point I was making. It's a bit more complicated than just an intentional act of violence. I guess some people can't deal with a complicated situation like this.

Why do you think people have learning disabilities only target women?

So you think it would have been different if a male was targeted? Where are you getting that from? Many of us here have been assaulted by men too you know, but can understand the situation is different to an intentional assault.

Why do you think people have learning disabilities only target women

I don’t, Porcelainpig.

I was commenting specifically on respect of OP’s post.

I've no idea what you're talking about @Porcelainpig ?!

If a woman is assaulted, the police should deal with it - the woman shouldn't have to accept it even if the person has some sort of neuro-diversity / LD. The police can then take the appropriate course of action.

I've made no comment on whether a male should accept it or not.