AIBU to have not reacted when my daughter’s hair was grabbed, twisted and pulled by a non-verbal autistic man.

[SillyOldBucket]

At the weekend we visited a National Trust venue and stopped at the café for some lunch. My husband and one teenager daughter were sitting outside while I and our other 17-year-old daughter, who has long very blonde hair, joined the queue inside. I was standing just in front of her in the queue when I became aware of a boy/young man (I would guess aged about 20) beside us. He had his face up close to my daughter and was smiling at her. Initially, I thought it was someone she knew from college or her Saturday job but then all of a sudden he grabbed her hair, twisted it tightly around his hand, and was pulling very hard. I quickly realized that she didn’t know him and that he was non-verbal, probably autistic. However, I then remember that I kind of froze, thinking what do I do and didn’t know how to react. If it was a normal person, I would have at the very least shouted at them to let go or tried to prise their hand open, but I wasn’t sure if he would have responded badly or done something worse. I had time to think all this before his carer appeared and tried to get him to release his grip, but it took a good minute. To make matters worse, the young man then skipped into the kitchen behind the servery and his carer had to bring him back out, walked past us and exactly the same thing happened again!! The carer managed to get the boy to release his grip but no apology or anything. My daughter was quite shocked by it, but I think she was more shocked that I didn’t intervene, and I feel terrible and ashamed. My gut reaction should have been to protect her, but I think because we are always being taught to be understanding and tolerant of neurodiversity, I just froze not knowing what to do or how to react. What would anyone else have done in this situation? Can anyone with specialized knowledge advise on what would have been the correct thing to do? It’s made me realise that there is very little public knowledge/education on how to respond when confronted with a situation like this and also raises the question of whether it was assault. If it had been someone without autism, it would surely have been assault but because they were clearly on the spectrum, are we to be more tolerant despite being subjected to pain and shock?

I think you were shocked, and froze, in that instant - and that’s a perfectly normal reaction, @SillyOldBucket - please don’t blame yourself.

You stood there saying and doing nothing while he pulled her hair for an entire minute? Uh huh.

I think my instinct would have just taken over and I'd have yelled at the top of my voice. Somehow I don't think I'd have frozen because I didn't know what to do when the person had a disability. Do you think you maybe froze in shock, and whether or not he's autistic wasn't anything to do with it? I can quite understand that immediately after the event you might have got caught up on worrying about appropriate responses.

Something happened that you weren’t expecting. Sometimes our brains stop to process things that give us a shock/surprise. I’m sure you comforted her afterwards.

This!

Im not sure there’s anything you could have done really but I hope your DD is OK.

Its fight or flight usually and we all react differently so I am not judging you OP.
I would probably have punched him in the face though purely on instinct as I am very much "fight" (probably too much if I am honest).
I almost floored a charity chugger who jumped at DD and made her scream, didn't think just reacted.
No point in worrying about it now and I hope your DD is ok

This is not ok at all regardless of his disability. He assaulted your daughter twice & yes the police can get involved.

It’s easy for other people to criticise but we don’t always react as we should.

That’s why we are supposed to practice, so our response is automated, muscle memory, not waiting for a decision process to happen.

I taught my children to 🤚 and bellow No! when they were bullied. We practiced. Throat would have worked in this situation, as a starter. It would have drawn attention to the need for help, at least.

I agree that it is understandable that you were shocked/frozen, but I think you do have to talk to your daughter about it as you failed her. She will have been equally shocked as her parents didn't come to her aid when she needed it. Please discuss openly with her about how you felt and make sure that next time she can rely on you.
I'm being strict here, cause a similar thing happened to me when I was younger (a boy, much bigger than me, with down syndrome tried to kiss me several times) and all I recall from the incident is that adults stood around laughing while I felt assaulted.

No point calling police if the young man is severely autistic....hair grabbing is a sensory thing and he would have no concept of it causing pain etc never mind what the police would say.

That's no less upsetting for the child whose hair was pulled off course.

I also think that you should talk to your daughter about how she can respond if attacked. She's 17, not 7. She can also yell at the top of her lungs if someone attacks her.

I would have said NO or STOP, with a hand gesture, and gone from there depending on response. Certainly not nothing

You just stood by while some man assaulted your daughter? And somehow you know he has ASD and is non verbal?

Your child was assaulted and your instincts kicked in. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes it is flight, and sometimes it is freeze. The real faliure here was his carer not keeping a closer eye on him if he was known to act how he did.

My boyfriend is autistic and has been taken to court for how he has acted during a meltdown, even though he could not help it.

The understanding about neurodiversity tends to come after the fact. In the moment, it is scary.

No one can know how they would respond until they are in the moment - it is meaningless to speculate. All it does is make people feel guilty because someone is pontificating about handling it better. Freeze response occurs for a reason, and in this case, the situation was so different to anything previously experienced, you were effectively immobilized. OP, no one can control if they freeze - ignore any idiots implying opposite.

If it had been someone without autism, it would surely have been assault but because they were clearly on the spectrum, are we to be more tolerant despite being subjected to pain and shock?“

I don’t think it matters if you are expected to be more tolerant or not. The fact is that if they have autism/ another disability or mh issues then they do not have the same motivations as someone who doesn’t for doing this kind of thing and won’t respond in the same way either and may be much more difficult to communicate with.

If I was your daughter, I would be very upset about this. It happened not once but twice and whilst we can all be understanding about ND after the fact, the fact also remains she was assaulted twice and neither you nor the carer addressed it in any way. Did the carer apologise (not their fault) but more so acknowledging the situation, or should we just all think this is ok now?

”A normal person”?! FFS

Why didn't your daughter do anything? She's not a child. She could have yelled or slapped his hand away.

Exactly! Ludicrous ^

To me, you used possible ND as an excuse to be a complete wimp

Your poor daughter

How would I react if ANYONE touched my daughter inappropriately and or abused her?

I'd rip them a new one.

Twice

Probably three times