AIBU to have not reacted when my daughter’s hair was grabbed, twisted and pulled by a non-verbal autistic man.

[SillyOldBucket]

At the weekend we visited a National Trust venue and stopped at the café for some lunch. My husband and one teenager daughter were sitting outside while I and our other 17-year-old daughter, who has long very blonde hair, joined the queue inside. I was standing just in front of her in the queue when I became aware of a boy/young man (I would guess aged about 20) beside us. He had his face up close to my daughter and was smiling at her. Initially, I thought it was someone she knew from college or her Saturday job but then all of a sudden he grabbed her hair, twisted it tightly around his hand, and was pulling very hard. I quickly realized that she didn’t know him and that he was non-verbal, probably autistic. However, I then remember that I kind of froze, thinking what do I do and didn’t know how to react. If it was a normal person, I would have at the very least shouted at them to let go or tried to prise their hand open, but I wasn’t sure if he would have responded badly or done something worse. I had time to think all this before his carer appeared and tried to get him to release his grip, but it took a good minute. To make matters worse, the young man then skipped into the kitchen behind the servery and his carer had to bring him back out, walked past us and exactly the same thing happened again!! The carer managed to get the boy to release his grip but no apology or anything. My daughter was quite shocked by it, but I think she was more shocked that I didn’t intervene, and I feel terrible and ashamed. My gut reaction should have been to protect her, but I think because we are always being taught to be understanding and tolerant of neurodiversity, I just froze not knowing what to do or how to react. What would anyone else have done in this situation? Can anyone with specialized knowledge advise on what would have been the correct thing to do? It’s made me realise that there is very little public knowledge/education on how to respond when confronted with a situation like this and also raises the question of whether it was assault. If it had been someone without autism, it would surely have been assault but because they were clearly on the spectrum, are we to be more tolerant despite being subjected to pain and shock?

What would anyone else have done in this situation?

Helped her immediately of course 😳

I'd be fuming if this happened to me and my loved one didn't try to untangle my hair from his hand.

You didn't have to go in all guns blazing, but you should at least have helped.

The carer is completely at fault, they are responsible for him and his behaviour, if they can't manage his behaviour then they shouldn't be taking him out. They should have been with him watching carefully at all times and secondly they should have apologised and explained to your daughter that he was autistic and didn't understand. The carer should not have allowed the same thing to potentially happen again by walking past you again - but it sounds like they had pretty much no control over his behaviour.

What needs to happen really is a complaint made to whoever is in charge of his care. He needs to be better risk assessed so he has perhaps two carers go out with him, or he only goes to places that are very quiet. It's not ok for him to be frightening and assaulting children.

In a similar situation I froze

It wasn't a conscious decision

Don't beat yourself up about it.

You were shocked. It's not a usual thing to happen. It's normal to freeze

Fwiw, a young woman with autism once ran up to my dd who was 3, picked her up and tried to run off with her. She was quite rough with it and dd was shocked. I froze for a few seconds before I ran towards them because my brain literally couldn’t make sense out of what was happening. That is shock. Plus when someone behaves unpredictably or erratically, it is much harder to instinctively respond to because by definition they are behaving in a manner that you are not anticipating and it takes time to respond. I think that’s normal.

So... he assaulted your daughter 2 times and you just stood there ? If he is a danger to people his carer is at fault here too! I have autistic children and would never allow this sort of behaviour. It could be something worse next time he gets a hold of someone...

I'm sorry if this makes you feel any worse but I can't imagine not stepping in if someone assaulted my daughter TWICE.

Oh yay another autism bashing thread on Mumsnet

Literally not a single person has said that and if anything it’s the OP getting a hard time and questioning the carer.

At the end of the day neuro diverse or not the law still applies and it does with good reason.

Oh, I have talked to her about it now and explained what went on in my head. Yes, I absolutely failed her. She's okay other than being disappointed in me. I am just shocked that my brain debated what to do rather than any instinct kicking in. If it had been my husband, he would definitely have reacted. Lesson learnt for me.

Leaving aside anything about the other person as obviously none of us know what challenges he actually has... it's totally normal to freeze in a horrible situation. I've done it. I'm a bit surprised you froze twice to be honest but I'd consider signing your daughter up for some sort of self-defense or similar as she is old enough to be expected to take care of her own personal safety too and her non-reaction would worry me as much as my own.

I'm really sorry this happened. You are clearly a very kind person as you were worried about upsetting someone who was doing something upsetting... but in the most basic way you are responsible for keeping yourself and your daughter safe so have a think about how to work on that instinct.

It was your natural reaction and you don’t have to blame yourself for anything. I’m a bit dramatic and would have screamed and roared the place down. My Dh if he had been there would have manhandled the fella off her. Not ideal either.
His carers really should have been minding him a bit better. Did you get any apology? Hope your dd is ok.

I don't believe that you immediately realised he was autistic and non verbal. How would you know that when all you see is someone assaulting your daughter? I can't imagine doing nothing if someone hurt my daughter. I'd be screaming at him to get off her and probably punch him in the face instinctively.

I'm not sure what I would have done and when you said, 'I wish there was more information on how to handle these situations' that really resonated with me.

I'm so glad we are in a society where people who are neuro-diverse, all ends of the spectrum are part of society and not locked away, but I don't think information campaigns have kept up.

There are so many what not to dos but not how you should safely respond in a boundaried but safe and respectful way.

I was in a splash pool with my toddler playing with our ball when a child, clearly non-verbal, autistic came over. We spoke to the parents afterwards and he was 9 but particularly big. He shoved the toddler and grabbed the ball and tried to get me to play the same game i had played with LO and became very distressed when I went to the toddler instead of engaging and started trying to be aggressive to the toddler.

The parents, who had another two other children, one of whom was a baby, were there very shortly, maybe 60-90 seconda. The child had run off and was fast. The father safely restrained and pulled him away. They couldn't have been nicer, it was an accident and the boy couldn't understand why he couldnt play. No one at fault, they were clearly shaken.

The incident stuck in my head. My husband like you felt guilty as he was torn between physically intervening and not wanting to escalate the situation. I wondered if I should have done more to engage with the child as all I did was scoop the toddler and try to move away making the wee boy much more upset.

Same in softplay, I'm a firm believer in the village but its very different isn't it. Interested to hear peoples insights.

I was attacked by someone like this once. She was punching me, while I just stood there and didn't respond. When something so bizarre happens, you don't have the usual response. What stuck with me is that her carer completely ignored me. Maybe she was so worn down it was all she could do to continue.

he grabbed her hair, twisted it tightly around his hand, and was pulling very hard.

Not an easy thing to manoeuvre out of though is it?

Much better with help from someone else.

I dont disagree with all you say but he was definitely non verbal and with autism. It was completely obvious in that one minute.

I agree with the pp saying shock response, but that really only applies for a few seconds, not a whole minute. That's a bit weird OP.

The autism (or should I say suspected autism) is not relevant in any way. The law is the law, and assault is a crime regardless of who does it. The difference between various individuals is rightly in how the 'punishment' is applied. A grown man is punished differently to an 11 year old, or someone suffering from acute mental illness, or someone who is acting under duress etc. But the crime is still a crime. Report it if you want to OP. Or don't, up to you.

I’m not tolerant of any assault.

Fight, flight or freeze. Look it up.
I had a man touch me in intimate areas when I was on a bus. I froze. Any other time, I would know what to do. When it actually happens, your body and brain can act totally different.

Those criticising the OP, need to have a bit of empathy. It's easy to sit behind a keyboard and slag somebody off for not defending their dd.

But none of us knows how we would react in a situation where the thinking part of our brain shuts down and the instinctive part takes over. Sometimes, it's literally impossible to think rationally. It's not a choice.

The 3 reactions when under threat are fight, flight and freeze. We can't predict what our response will be in a situation where we are in shock.

Op, the carer was at fault. I've worked with adults with various disabilities in the past. You don't take them out as a one to one unless you know they will be safe and also that they won't cause harm or distress to others.

I would apologise to your dd, say that part of being a parent is to protect their children but that because you froze, you were literally unable to help at that time. Talk about instincts v thinking brain.

If a similar situation ever arises again, it's hard to know the best strategy when you don't know the individual and you can't gauge the level of their understanding (which will vary hugely among non-verbal people as it does among verbal people).

It's probably best to play safe with a clear visual instruction (hold up a flat hand in a stop signal) and short verbal instruction ("No!" or "Stop!" in a firm voice)

But what exactly was the carer doing that it happened twice and he managed to run off?

Did they say anything at all to you @SillyOldBucket ?

The carer should have taken the man home immediately. To have what happened twice is unforgivable.

I would apologize a lot to your daughter because you are right, you should have yelled or swatted him or something. We are human and we make mistakes, yet...Maybe this is a time to talk about the extremes of female socialization and how it hurts our daughters and ourselves. And make sure you tell her this is a lame excuse not to stop violence women:

because we are always being taught to be understanding and tolerant of neurodiversity, I just froze not knowing what to do or how to react.

That carer had probably allowed that man to harm others. No way this is the first time.