AIBU to have not reacted when my daughter’s hair was grabbed, twisted and pulled by a non-verbal autistic man.

[SillyOldBucket]

At the weekend we visited a National Trust venue and stopped at the café for some lunch. My husband and one teenager daughter were sitting outside while I and our other 17-year-old daughter, who has long very blonde hair, joined the queue inside. I was standing just in front of her in the queue when I became aware of a boy/young man (I would guess aged about 20) beside us. He had his face up close to my daughter and was smiling at her. Initially, I thought it was someone she knew from college or her Saturday job but then all of a sudden he grabbed her hair, twisted it tightly around his hand, and was pulling very hard. I quickly realized that she didn’t know him and that he was non-verbal, probably autistic. However, I then remember that I kind of froze, thinking what do I do and didn’t know how to react. If it was a normal person, I would have at the very least shouted at them to let go or tried to prise their hand open, but I wasn’t sure if he would have responded badly or done something worse. I had time to think all this before his carer appeared and tried to get him to release his grip, but it took a good minute. To make matters worse, the young man then skipped into the kitchen behind the servery and his carer had to bring him back out, walked past us and exactly the same thing happened again!! The carer managed to get the boy to release his grip but no apology or anything. My daughter was quite shocked by it, but I think she was more shocked that I didn’t intervene, and I feel terrible and ashamed. My gut reaction should have been to protect her, but I think because we are always being taught to be understanding and tolerant of neurodiversity, I just froze not knowing what to do or how to react. What would anyone else have done in this situation? Can anyone with specialized knowledge advise on what would have been the correct thing to do? It’s made me realise that there is very little public knowledge/education on how to respond when confronted with a situation like this and also raises the question of whether it was assault. If it had been someone without autism, it would surely have been assault but because they were clearly on the spectrum, are we to be more tolerant despite being subjected to pain and shock?

It’s still assault though. What the consequences are are of course dependent on the individual but it’s no less assault. The girl was assaulted, twice.

Haven't RTFT but you lost me at "if it was a normal person, I... "

Normal people do not go around pulling the hair of others unprovoked.

Based on my experience I would have reacted. If I or my child were being assaulted, I wouldn't feel an obligation to try to determine whether the person knew what they were doing before trying to stop the assault.

You were shocked, OP, and probably struggling to process the risk of reacting to the situation because you identified the person was ND.

Gosh, what a worrying attitude. OP's actions demonstrate what a kind, compassionate lady she is. She will be able to explain to her daughter. And society needs to have increased understanding of neurodiversity, with particular reference to people whose attitudes reflect yours

I think it’s a very normal reaction to have frozen.

We would all say we would do X, Y, Z but in reality when something isn’t expected then any of us could freeze.

I used to work with ND people so I would like to think I would have said the right thing but no one knows how they would react.

Don’t feel bad.
Explain to your DD that you should have told him to let go but you didn’t know how to handle it in the moment but now you do.

Giving her the tools to know how to handle these situations is important too and she’ll know in future that it’s ok to tell him to let go.

This thread is deeply offensive. People are now comparing a disabled young man to a dog. The level of ignorance and lack of compassion is shown is upsetting.
People will be demanding mentally disabled people should be returned to asylums next.

‘Having an increased understanding of neurodiversity’ does not amount to standing by while your child gets attacked. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Every so often I see a post here that makes me pause because it seems so unnecessarily harsh and unfair to the OP. Then I notice the posters name

So it's ok for OP's daughter (or anyone else) to be assaulted as she has to be kind and compassionate? I agree there needs to be more understanding of neurodiversity but that doesn't mean allowing assault.

An abnormal reaction to an abnormal situation is a normal reaction. Everyone talks about fight or flight but it really should be the triple F...Fight Flight or Freeze. I am ex military. My reaction is nearly always to freeze initially. There is nothing to be ashamed of in the situation you describe.

The age of criminal responsibiiity is 10 so
Of course it is not an assault as a baby cannot commit a crime. I’m not aware that the law changes if a person’s mental capacity is under 10 so it is not a comparable scenario.

We are always being taught to be understanding of neurodiversity

Theres the issue.

All of that goes out the window when someone’s safety is at risk. Especially your kids.

Your bleeding heart isn’t worth risking your daughters safety.

Is it legal for the toddler man to commit assault? Genuinely trying to understand the criminal justice system on this.

Ah, thank you for explaining. This is helpful and interesting.

This!

Fucking hell Op, I'd be reporting to the police. That person is a danger to others & should be properly supervised. You might not know his name but you know where & when it happened, so report it & then leave it to the police to deal with in the appropriate manner.

Yes, also. If it was a national trust site they should have a used a pass to get in. Most likely they guy will have one for himself with an extra carer added on.
The police can trace his address from that, then they can talk to whoever is in charge of his care.
That way the guy can actually get the support he needs when out in the community.

What kind of nonsense is this? A grown man can very clearly inflict much more harm than a baby can.

I agree the carer has a lot of responsibility here.

To quote you; anyone who says he was just pulling her hair and there was no chance of him further escalating, with or without an intervention, is also very sadly mistaken.

It’s not binary that any one course of action was the right/wrong thing to do. He is equally at risk from a very strong response from another family or people around in the cafe.

What if DDs natural response was to scream and resist? You can’t call people out for saying what they think their natural response would be as we have no idea what this individual would do or is capable of.

Maybe if you'd bothered your arse to read the thread, you'd have noticed this has been discussed with the OP.

Why is it nonsense? Because you think we should all allow ourselves to be assaulted?