AIBU to have not reacted when my daughter’s hair was grabbed, twisted and pulled by a non-verbal autistic man.

[SillyOldBucket]

At the weekend we visited a National Trust venue and stopped at the café for some lunch. My husband and one teenager daughter were sitting outside while I and our other 17-year-old daughter, who has long very blonde hair, joined the queue inside. I was standing just in front of her in the queue when I became aware of a boy/young man (I would guess aged about 20) beside us. He had his face up close to my daughter and was smiling at her. Initially, I thought it was someone she knew from college or her Saturday job but then all of a sudden he grabbed her hair, twisted it tightly around his hand, and was pulling very hard. I quickly realized that she didn’t know him and that he was non-verbal, probably autistic. However, I then remember that I kind of froze, thinking what do I do and didn’t know how to react. If it was a normal person, I would have at the very least shouted at them to let go or tried to prise their hand open, but I wasn’t sure if he would have responded badly or done something worse. I had time to think all this before his carer appeared and tried to get him to release his grip, but it took a good minute. To make matters worse, the young man then skipped into the kitchen behind the servery and his carer had to bring him back out, walked past us and exactly the same thing happened again!! The carer managed to get the boy to release his grip but no apology or anything. My daughter was quite shocked by it, but I think she was more shocked that I didn’t intervene, and I feel terrible and ashamed. My gut reaction should have been to protect her, but I think because we are always being taught to be understanding and tolerant of neurodiversity, I just froze not knowing what to do or how to react. What would anyone else have done in this situation? Can anyone with specialized knowledge advise on what would have been the correct thing to do? It’s made me realise that there is very little public knowledge/education on how to respond when confronted with a situation like this and also raises the question of whether it was assault. If it had been someone without autism, it would surely have been assault but because they were clearly on the spectrum, are we to be more tolerant despite being subjected to pain and shock?

Yes, apologies if I have upset some by using the word normal. That's my bad. You are exactly right. Everything else seemed really long winded and I just felt everyone would understand the context. Didn't mean to offend anyone.

I think I still would have tried saying something like firmly saying let her go - you had no idea his level of understanding but didn't try?! You don't have to be unkind or attack etc but at least try SOME intervention. Very strange not to. I don't accept the "I just froze". People have to react to much worse in the moment and freezing isn't an option.

Similar happened with me. A small dog started to attack my child and I literally just froze and didn't know what to do for a couple of seconds. It was so unexpected my brain just didn't process it. Luckily DH was there and his brain worked quicker than mine. He just picked up DC out of harms way - the dog was VERY small. Think sausage dog sized (not sure what kind of dog it actually was) so wasnt a threat in any way to an adult but I was just frozen. I actually still feel a bit bad about it.
DC was totally fine thank goodness

Fight or freeze isn't the saying...

Yes I have but that's irrelevant. What's unfair is the daughters reaction after the fact.
I haven't experienced an unpredictable disabled person assault someone in my presence so I wouldn't be telling someone I was disappointed in them for not doing anything if they found themselves in that situation.

Sometimes it genuinely just happens though. I have no idea why. It's like your brain just switches off for a moment

I actually agree with those who suggest you contact police. Whilst if he is on the spectrum he cannot be held responsible for his assault, the carer has slipped up and should be flagged to either their agency or social services.

And say what?

The OP didn't mention that she took the person's name or his carer's.

So how is she going to report it?

The only difference to me would be that I would blame the carer for allowing him to be in the situation to assault me.

Aa a mother of a son with a learning disability, this will sound controversial, but I think you should report this to the police. The young man could have really hurt your daughter and could go on to hurt someone else or put them or himself in danger. He should have two people supervising him when he is out and about if he is capable of attacking someone and they should be trained in restraint.
Your police report might help his family to prove that he needs more support than he is getting at the moment.

No I understand the whole scenario. But I think calling a person with a disability “ not normal” is pretty awful

Can you point to the post that bashes autism? In fact the OP very specifically DIDN'T bash the person because she suspected he had autism.

Haven't RTFT (just the OPs posts) but I think that, unless this was a totally out of the blue situation, the young man is being let down by his carer. Not only are the public being put in danger, the man who pulled your DD's hair is in danger - either from physical retaliation or a distressing experience with the police. Shit situation all round really.

Nice victim blaming there. Why don't those silly women that get raped and murdered protect themselves?! Why rely on others to step in?

If a person doesn't understand attacking someone for no reason isn't acceptable in civilised society then they should not be in a position to do so, ie have carers/parents that can prevent it in the first place.
If anybody attacks my children or gc I couldn't give a shiny 💩and don't need education, I will protect my family.
The man in question was failed by parents/carers.

Thanks OP. It’s a sore point for me hence calling it out but I can appreciate you and your daughter have had a horrible time

No, nobody else reacted but a guy behind the servery and a couple of people in the queue asked if she was OK afterwards

I don't know how you come to the conclusion I expect more from the mum. The mum isn't telling her daughter she is disappointed that she didn't defend herself.

At least tell the National Trust about the incident, for their records. They have a duty of care to their visitors.

@SillyOldBucket "No, the carer didn't even say anything. In fact he was almost laughing as though it were some kind of playing." Tell us you at least said something at that point?!

Thst would only help if the Op could identify the young man and his carer
But i agree he needs more supervision and his risk assessments need revising.

Anyone saying they'd punch the man to get him off, even after they realised he was severely intellectually disabled, is probably lying and being really silly.

It sounds like this man very likely has the mental capacity of a young child and could react to being punched by instinctively gripping harder on the hair and pulling backwards, possibly pulling her over to the floor by her hair. Or flailing around in panic, hitting out wildly, or running out and getting hit by a car, or any number of scary scenarios. It could turn from 'DD had her hair pulled and was upset and hurt', to 'DD was pulled to the floor by her hair, badly hurt, the carer got injured attempting restrain and the young man who didn't understand what was happening ran out the cafe and got hit by a car and died in front of everyone'. Anyone who says this couldn't possibly happen is very sadly mistaken.

The carer was completely out of order not immediately using deescalation tactics and not apologising. Sounds like the man realistically needed two (far more competent) carers.

It's not "unfortunate", it's offensive.

It's no longer acceptable to call people rtrds or spstcs or nggrs.

Then why is it acceptable to call someone suspected of being on the autism spectrum abnormal?

Thank you for your apology and taking people's comments in a positive way.
Please be careful with your language going forward, it is important.

My dd(15) has complex needs and autism. She has gone through phases of bad hair pulling, especially on her sister. As pps upthread have said, there are particular techniques to help release with hair pulling and these often take several people. Also, shouting, hitting etc can escalate the situation. I think your freeze reaction was understandable, as a "normal" reaction might have backfired. The carer sounds poorly prepared, but that may not be their fault. It should be reported, though.

You never know how your going to react in an unexpected situation until you're in it.

However, please consider the possibility that you have been socialised out of your natural and useful instincts by a fear of offending. It happens a lot to women and young girls in general as they are subtly or not so subtly encouraged to prioritise being "kind" over their best interests or even actually physical safety (and that of their children).

I only say this as this is something you may want to think more deeply about and address if necessary.

Nobody has the right to harm you or your children, whether they mean to or not, whether they understand what they're doing or not, and you have every right to use reasonable force, or reasonable "unpleasantness" to stop it. Please work on giving yourself that permission and removing that taboo in your own mind if you need to.