AIBU to have not reacted when my daughter’s hair was grabbed, twisted and pulled by a non-verbal autistic man.

[SillyOldBucket]

At the weekend we visited a National Trust venue and stopped at the café for some lunch. My husband and one teenager daughter were sitting outside while I and our other 17-year-old daughter, who has long very blonde hair, joined the queue inside. I was standing just in front of her in the queue when I became aware of a boy/young man (I would guess aged about 20) beside us. He had his face up close to my daughter and was smiling at her. Initially, I thought it was someone she knew from college or her Saturday job but then all of a sudden he grabbed her hair, twisted it tightly around his hand, and was pulling very hard. I quickly realized that she didn’t know him and that he was non-verbal, probably autistic. However, I then remember that I kind of froze, thinking what do I do and didn’t know how to react. If it was a normal person, I would have at the very least shouted at them to let go or tried to prise their hand open, but I wasn’t sure if he would have responded badly or done something worse. I had time to think all this before his carer appeared and tried to get him to release his grip, but it took a good minute. To make matters worse, the young man then skipped into the kitchen behind the servery and his carer had to bring him back out, walked past us and exactly the same thing happened again!! The carer managed to get the boy to release his grip but no apology or anything. My daughter was quite shocked by it, but I think she was more shocked that I didn’t intervene, and I feel terrible and ashamed. My gut reaction should have been to protect her, but I think because we are always being taught to be understanding and tolerant of neurodiversity, I just froze not knowing what to do or how to react. What would anyone else have done in this situation? Can anyone with specialized knowledge advise on what would have been the correct thing to do? It’s made me realise that there is very little public knowledge/education on how to respond when confronted with a situation like this and also raises the question of whether it was assault. If it had been someone without autism, it would surely have been assault but because they were clearly on the spectrum, are we to be more tolerant despite being subjected to pain and shock?

ND or not assault is unacceptable as is him being way too close to her. His carer should be stuck like glue to him when out in public as this young man obviously is very unaware of boundries and can't be trusted to keep his hands to himself. We all have a right to feel safe and not be attacked.

Some of the responses on this thread are bizarre. To scratch his eyes out, kick him in the balls, yell your head off could have severely escalated the situation. I may have tried to get him to let go but you don’t know how he would have reacted. It’s understandable that you froze. I don’t think your daughter is being altogether fair to you although I understand she would have been shocked. The carer on the other hand was completely out of order and I hope I would have remonstrated with him. We don’t really know how we would react in a totally unexpected, unusual situation. Some answers are very reductive citing male violence. No one knows what this young man’s motivation or level of understanding are. He was pulling her hair, you wouldn’t want to escalate it to punching, kicking etc, perhaps you assessed that at some level.

I’d have grabbed his hands and shouted at him to let go and would do my best to prize him off her. I can’t understand how anyone could stand there for a whole minute, doing nothing because immediately knew he had autism. Crazy.

No your instincts were correct. You waited to see what would happen and didn't want to endanger her further.

He was presumably quite able and fit and strong if someone needed a minute to get him to release her hair.

Something told you not to go further, that it might cause more harm than damage.

I think you should trust your instincts in the moment. It's quite possible if you got involved her could have hurt you or her or both of you.

"If it was a normal person, I would have at the very least shouted at them to let go or tried to prise their hand open, but I wasn’t sure if he would have responded badly or done something worse"

So if someone didn't yank a complete stranger's hair, the OP would shout at them or prise their hand open?

We both know exactly what the OP meant with their use of the word "normal". It's not okay.

YABU for saying ‘if it had been a normal person’!

The daughter is 17 not 7 she shouldn't have let the guy get close to her a second time. She is a big girl now, months away from being an adult.

I experienced something similar at a toddler group. A little boy with needs got hold of my daughter’s hair and gripped on very tightly pulling it. My DD was very distressed by this. I instantly shot over and started prising his fingers off, as he didn’t understand to let go. His Mum and the lady leading the class did the same, it took 3 of us to uncurl his fingers and get him to let go. I had to help my DD and didn’t care what anyone else there thought.

This happened regularly to several children, his Mum was great and always tried to prevent it, I similarly always hovered and grabbed my DD before he could get hold of her again. I would have left the group as it became so stressful, but in the end they left as it was all too overwhelming for him. Sad situation really.

However, in your situation your freeze response is also understandable on that I don’t think we can control whether our body goes into fight, flight or freeze during unusual situations which are stressful. I don’t think we can fully control this, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Hope your DD is OK.

His laughter isn't laughter that he's hurting or scaring someone.

The ideal would have been to have held her hair so it wasn't pulling as much whilst shouting for help. But freezing is a normal reaction to something shocking. If you had grabbed him or shouted he could have hurt your dd more

“Normal “ is an unfortunate word to use but I think OP is just using it as shorthand for saying that this person clearly had a disability or difference of some sort so she didn’t know how he would react or what his understanding and motivation was.

🙄

So sorry for your daughter - it must've been frightening. In answer to your question I don't think it's unreasonable to 'freeze' in a situation like this, because it's hard to know what's the best thing to do when dealing with an unpredictable ND person.
A similar thing happened to me when I was 8 months pregnant. Queuing for tickets at the train station a 9/10 year old boy was running amok in the ticket office and he came up to me and thumped me (quite hard) 4-5 times on my baby bump. I was shocked and shaken and didn't know what to do/how to react. No harm done, thankfully.
I could see he was autistic/ND and was having an out of control moment, so didn't feel I could cause a fuss. What unsettled me though was his carer/mother(?) didn't apologise on his behalf or even acknowledge me as she coaxed him away.
I hope your daughter is OK, and understands that we don't always know the 'right' thing to do in situations like this.

Zero difference to the person being assaulted though.

I think what you did might have been the best thing. The important thing here is that he let go of your daughter's hair as quickly as possible. His actions were wrong and I wouldn't have criticised you for yelling at him or even slapping his hand. However it might not have helped.

You don't know what the understanding was. Thing to put hand on could have been it. No hair, no person, no pull, no hurt, no pain. Just no concept of any of these things.

I would have been a bit upset if I was OP's DD as it happened twice, although to be fair the person actually responsible is the carer. If it happened to me, in an ideal world where I didn't freeze, I like to think I would have stepped back and ground my heel into his foot until he let go - presumably DD wouldn't have know the man had any sort of disability if he was behind her. However obviously things don't always work out as planned!

She shouldn't be telling her mum she is disappointed in her. Neither the mum or daughter should be judged for the reaction but the daughters behaviour towards her mum afterwards is unfair

Manager of a learning disability service here. Our staff are trained to try and remove the service user as quickly as possible, which may account for the lack of apologies from the carer. Lots of situations can escalate and trying to stay behind to apologise to someone can often be distressing for the service user and potentially cause even more behaviours.

Again, that's abnormal behaviour.

It doesn't make the person abnormal.

The OP said "If it was a normal person"

It's quite simple, yet at least 2 or 3 people seem unable to understand the difference 😳

To be honest, I didn't notice a lanyard and the way they interacted with the lad didn't look like they were a parent either. I did feel they didn't seem very well trained

Actually I would find it different. Obviously I would be shaken and shocked if any stranger attacked me but my reaction afterwards would be different if someone knew exactly what they were doing and were motivated by aggression or sexual motives or if the attacker had very little understanding at all.

Of course in fact I have done on many occasions.

Don’t beat yourself up OP, we’re all at the mercy of our instincts in situations like this.

I’ve had my hair grabbed maybe 5/6 times as I grew up, then worked in a housing role, with adults with severe learning disabilities. I don’t know if there’s a “right” approach but I would take hold off their hand so they couldn’t further pull then calmly de-escalate the situation, trying to loosen their grip if needed. I always knew a little about them though and was with someone (my mum/boss/their support worker) I knew and could trust to help me. That’s VERY different to being surprised and having no context.

Did they seem to be part of a bigger group or were they on a day out with just their carer? If they were in a bigger group, the NT may be able to help you raise concerns to the relevant people. This could be unusual behaviour for this person but they should have removed them to a space where could better manage/control the situation after the first time, allowing it to happen again is a complete failure on their part.

I think a lot of people are very quick to judge here.

Quite often when someone who is non verbal/ND displays a behaviour of concern, they are usually trying to communicate a need or a want and unfortunately your daughter was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I work with adults with learning difficulties and have been in a very similar situation when supporting a gentleman, (I was the one having the hair pulled) it is very easy to freeze even when you have had training. More often than not in a situation like that screaming or shouting would most probably had very little effect and possibly may of also escalated the situation, yes it may of drawn the attention of the carer and possibly stopped it happening for a second time.

I think it would possibly worth contacting the national trust site you attended and see if they have any cctv of the incident, like someone has already said this would be a safeguarding incident and should be reported, but unfortunately unless you have the name of the care provider it’s very unlikely anything will be able to be done.

I’m sorry this happened to your daughter and you and I hope with reassurance she will understand why you froze.

There was nothing to be gained by shouting at him, it would probably have made the situation worse, my gripe would have been with the carer. This man shouldn’t be out in public if the carer can’t control his behaviour.

Shes just been the victim of an assault! Where her mum was right there and did nothing! Twice!

I get that her mum is feeling bad about this and maybe she was frozen - but she seemed able while frozen to diagnose and to an extent excuse the man assaulting her DD.

You seem to be expecting more from the DD than the adult, her parent.

I’m not saying this to make the OP feel any worse, btw, just in response to your ludicrous comment.