AIBU to have not reacted when my daughter’s hair was grabbed, twisted and pulled by a non-verbal autistic man.

[SillyOldBucket]

At the weekend we visited a National Trust venue and stopped at the café for some lunch. My husband and one teenager daughter were sitting outside while I and our other 17-year-old daughter, who has long very blonde hair, joined the queue inside. I was standing just in front of her in the queue when I became aware of a boy/young man (I would guess aged about 20) beside us. He had his face up close to my daughter and was smiling at her. Initially, I thought it was someone she knew from college or her Saturday job but then all of a sudden he grabbed her hair, twisted it tightly around his hand, and was pulling very hard. I quickly realized that she didn’t know him and that he was non-verbal, probably autistic. However, I then remember that I kind of froze, thinking what do I do and didn’t know how to react. If it was a normal person, I would have at the very least shouted at them to let go or tried to prise their hand open, but I wasn’t sure if he would have responded badly or done something worse. I had time to think all this before his carer appeared and tried to get him to release his grip, but it took a good minute. To make matters worse, the young man then skipped into the kitchen behind the servery and his carer had to bring him back out, walked past us and exactly the same thing happened again!! The carer managed to get the boy to release his grip but no apology or anything. My daughter was quite shocked by it, but I think she was more shocked that I didn’t intervene, and I feel terrible and ashamed. My gut reaction should have been to protect her, but I think because we are always being taught to be understanding and tolerant of neurodiversity, I just froze not knowing what to do or how to react. What would anyone else have done in this situation? Can anyone with specialized knowledge advise on what would have been the correct thing to do? It’s made me realise that there is very little public knowledge/education on how to respond when confronted with a situation like this and also raises the question of whether it was assault. If it had been someone without autism, it would surely have been assault but because they were clearly on the spectrum, are we to be more tolerant despite being subjected to pain and shock?

You didn't react, even though he was hurting her for a while minute? How?!
ND or not, that's not ok for him to hurt her

Yes, the ‘normal person’ comment was thoughtless.

Of course no one would react in the same way if a baby pulled their hair and we know how painful even that can be. Can you imagine it with the force of a grown man? His cognitive ability may be comparable to a baby but physically, he’s an adult male and therefore capable of causing far more damage.

My instinct, as soon as I realised someone had put their hands on my child would be to say "please don't" and draw my child away. In this instance I would have put my hand on his to get it off her. I wouldn't have stopped to work out if they were neuro diverse or not.
What I don't understand is that, when he hurt her a second time, you still didn't intervene.
It has happened to me on two separate occasions. Once I got a creepy apology, once I got an aggressive response. I didn't really care. My instinct was to get their hands off. I didn't care if I caused offence.
I think you owe your daughter an explanation of why you didn't do anything and probably an apology too.

I mean, the way you've phrased that is as though they both had a duty to remove themselves. Maybe the daughter would have been better off removing herself for her own safety, due to the carer's clear inability to do the right thing in the situation, just as she might want to hide if someone was shooting at her. But the fault, and the duty to remove from the situation and NOT COME BACK, is clearly all on the carer.

I agree. I think the DD is being very unfair to say she is disappointed in her mum. At 17 she is probably much fitter and more physically able to protect herself than her mum is.

As pps have said, it’s your flight or fight response and it is very difficult to control that. It’s intrinsic. I am far more “fight”, I actually punched a man who flashed me, which was beyond stupid, because I was alone and he could have really hurt me.
But if you froze, you froze and honestly, shouting or taking physical action probably would have escalated the situation.

@JLou08

Have you ever experienced someone wrap your hair round their hand and pull? It's not an easy thing to get out of, especially if they are behind you.

I actually agree with those who suggest you contact police. Whilst if he is on the spectrum he cannot be held responsible for his assault, the carer has slipped up and should be flagged to either their agency or social services. The male clearly should be under closer supervision because of he had of been he wouldn't have been able to commit two assaults or been placed in a dangerous position of being able to access a kitchen.

As for you, no one knows how they'd react, you could have very easily made the situation worse and it wasn't you who was at fault, if the assault took a minute to resolve clearly the carer is wholly responsible for failing to meet the males needs.

Did I mention carrying on with assault? No I said I'd kick anyone that attacked my children in the balls and my husband would of laid him out, ie a swift punch.
And his disability is totally irrelevant when attacking someone. It's not an excuse.

It's called defending your children.
What would you expect parents to do? Standby and watch their children be attacked by total strangers? What if the violent pulling of the hair became punching, kicking or a knife pulled? A short swift end needed to happen as clearly this man's carers couldn't give two shits.

BigSilly · Today 15:38
Why didn't your daughter do anything? She's not a child. She could have yelled or slapped his hand away

Please explain how you would slap a person’s arm away whilst they were standing directly behind you pulling your hair, assuming that you are not a contortionist.

Your username is apt.

Apparently it is on MN

Were you scared of getting hurt too?

my priority would have been to protect my daughter regardless!!

after a man assaults a teenage girl, twice, that’s your take home here ?

Your boyfriend would have had capacity. I don't mean to be judgemental and stereotypical but it seems the man this post is about has a severe learning disability if he is non-verbal at randomly grabbing women's hair. Not the type of person who would be likely to have a girlfriend who can write well and post on social media, as a person able to do that would rightly see someone severely learning disabled as vulnerable and recognise there would be a power imbalance.

Well I'd have reacted instantly OP, because an autistic boy/adult doesn't know exactly what he's doing so could really injure her, without meaning to. I lived next to a brain damaged 20something when I was teenager and would hide from him as he'd come in our house to try to cuddle me, which was hideous (he was a grown man trying to bear hug me endlessly) but of course he didn't mean it in a negative way
...but it was bad for me. Being autistic doesn't mean you don't step in!

Hold on - so she is the minor being assaulted by a grown man, but she should have reacted better than her mum?!

Nobody is saying that
But I do think posters need to educate themselves on the vastness of the autistic spectrum instead of keep trotting out with ND is not an excuse
There is a massive difference between someone who has full capacity and intentionally assaults someone
And somebody who doesn't understand their actions due to having severe learning disabilities and autism, even though they both might have a diagnosis of autism.

My thoughts exactly!

IMO 'understanding and tolerance' ends where physical violence begins.

Your 17-year-old daughter was having her hair pulled by a 20-year-old grown man and total stranger. And you didn't intervene in case he 'did something worse'!? Sorry, but make that make sense...
I cannot imagine putting the feelings of a stranger before the welfare of my own daughter.

I understood you used the word 'normal' in the accepted sense. I imagine most people gave you the benefit of that doubt.

Pulling a stranger's hair to the point of assault is normal behaviour for a baby. It's not normal behaviour for a fully grown man.

My young son is ASD and is obsessed with long hair, knowing this I'm like a hawk and watchful for it. On the very rare occasion I haven't been quick enough to stop the initial grab I've always apologised and explained so I do feel the carer was bang out of order for here for not even acknowledging it let alone not apologising.
I understand the freeze reaction as I've seen it so please don't beat yourself up about it, I'm glad you've had an honest conversation with your DD as at her age she's well able for an honest conversation about these situations and how we all as humans can sometimes freeze.
In future (although hopefully it never happens again!) I'd politely and firmly say no let go please and attempt to remove the hands. I'd also rip the carer a new one for finding it funny and not acknowledging what had happened

Edited to add, @SillyOldBucket for all the PP berating you for not reacting and saying they would have done x y z, they weren't there. We all like to think we would react in a certain way to a hypothetical situation but until we are placed in those circumstances like you were we can't know how we would actually react and a freeze response in this situation is actually the most common as like you said in you first post, we are trained to "accept" any and all behaviours if the person has an obvious disability. I think it's great you are reflecting and opening up the conversation and I hope you share what you learn with your DD. Don't let the "perfect parent" brigade make you feel like shit

Right!? But you still intervene...

I am really shocked at some of these responses.
In capacity terms this situation is comparable to a baby pulling someone’s hair - surely people would be tolerant of that.

-edited to add that by being tolerant I don’t mean they would accept it without trying to stop it-I just meant that there wouldn’t be an angry reaction or talk of violence and police-

And I know that an adult pulling hair will hurt a lot more but I also know someone who had to have hospital treatment when a baby scratched their eye and there was no police involvement there.

Thanks @SassK but it was OP who used the phrase. I was just agreeing with the other poster that it wasn’t the best phrase to use.