DH did F'all all weekend

[holidayblues25]

I left on Saturday to do the weekly shop, and spend some time with my DD, yes it took me 4 hours, which was a bit longer than usual, but it wasn't like I went to the spa... DH said he had tons to do in the garden and would take things to the dump. AFAIK none of that happened, and he couldn't even walk the dog because our eldest wanted to come too, but DH didn't feel it was fair to leave the 5yo with the 12yo, fair enough.

Then on Sunday, he said he'd do bits around the house including the recycling, but instead he just walked the dog and that was it! I did all the laundry (being six of us it adds up) and cleared our bedroom as well as general cleaning and taking the trash out .

Now, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because I think he should have done more. Forgot to mention he cooked dinners for both nights but neither were massive things ... One was egg fried rice and another one was burgers.

It sounds normal in our house. That’s why Ive got an escape fund.

He normally does a bit more, but it was really odd that he literally did nothing but it looked like he did.

Stuff like this is like baby weaning - you have to look at the picture over time.

Sometimes ice been like your husband when I'm burnt out but not recognised it, other weekends I'm non-stop doing chores. It averages out to pulling my weight. Does it for your husband?

I find our weekend slips through our fingers with nothing getting done, unless we plan out what we want to get done in the coming weekend, roughly when we're going to do it, what we need to get sorted to enable it (e.g. booking a tip slot), and who is going to do it. When the kids were an issue, then who was going to be in the hotseat for what kid and when, was a part of planning the facilitation. Would something like that work for you guys, maybe? And it was very much a we thing, not me saying, right, I'm going to do this, you're going to do that, and this is how it's going to go!

This! I can be very productive or not at all, same with my dh. Sometimes you just need to rest or you’ll burn out. If he’s usually good at pulling his weight then I’d cut him some slack. After a very busy Saturday and Sunday morning I was exhausted and almost of the jobs I had planned on doing yesterday afternoon didn’t happen, but they’ve not gone anywhere and will get done.

Normally we both do something, and yes he normally does much more than nothing

Although it's normally also some odd project like cleaning the conservatory roof as opposed to normal day to day cleaning which is what's normally needed.

Mon-fri I have no issue, I know him, I know me. But I expect to work on the house at least 3 hours over the weekend!

Some weekends especially at this time of year a general malaise comes over us and we just have weekends of relaxation, eating treats, dog walks and watching sport or films.

The house doesn't fall down. We however are much restored.

Weekends aeee for relaxing. We never do 3 hours work on the house at the weekends.

I think the other posters are right here.

It's the bigger picture that counts here. Not whether he matched your 3 hours this particular week-end.

Not in our house! We relax and chill in the evenings, because we don't do anything after dinner.

So the weekend is when we get to do more around the house.

I don't understand this. When do you get any jobs done?!

I don't mean everyday tidying, but things like a deep clean/tip run/painting a room/ tidying the garden after winter?

I did eff all for the last two weekends! I've just realised I'm probably depressed. Need to snap out of it 😢

Why didn't he take the 5yo on the dog walk? Talk about making excuses.

Is he the sort of man you can have a reasonable conversation with? What did you do when you got home from shopping? Did you have to pick up and do stuff he hadn't done and therefore delayed starting on the laundry until Sunday? I'd raise it that this is not being a team player and you have spent the entire weekend on household tasks as a consequence of him [and potentially your children] not stepping up.

Do you work FT? Or does he see weekends as his to do whatever he likes with because you are a SAHM?

List of jobs for the weekend - written prominently and in the kitchen. That [if funds allow] with a cash value beside for jobs that the kids are capable of doing.

He also massively overslept but claimed it was jet lag. Which is probably true, 3/4 of our DC skipped some days of school due to it.

I didn't get any this time.

We do them occasionally but not every weekend.

Painting once every 4 years or so. Might take time off
Tip run. Won’t go at weekend as it’s always rammed. And we’d go say once every 3 months.

Garden as and when

Deep clean on bank holidays usually. But only one room.

As a one off it is fine, he needed some downtime.

Dont really think not walking is acceptable though. He should have brought 5 year old along, or asked eldest to walk dog alone.

We topdressed the garden with compost from the compost bin, I planted some seeds for the greenhouse and dahlia tubers, DH ran the moss machine over the lawn. Each one of us cooked a dinner. Took two walks, went to lunch one day and went to the ironmongers for some things, friends came over Sunday. But we are in our late 50s/early 60s and don't have children about!

Spring is coming, and it is nice to be outside and not deal with indoors chores.

This. I don't think I did anything at all useful all weekend, other than a bit of gardening. I stayed in bed late both days while DH took DS to his football training and a match, and read and wrote and lay about.

The 5yo doesn't like going on walks, we can make him, but I do think he does need both of us to "push him". Or at least one of us to be there for him, and one walking our dog (he's still a puppy)

We both work FT, I WFH so I do the odd thing here and there, but it's literally the odd thing.

Well my DH walked the dog, did homework with both kids, took us all shopping as I can’t drive at the moment due to surgery, also took dd off to get new school shoes. Put half the bathroom back together following some diy work and then took down the chandelier bit by bit, cleaned it, and put it back together again. Helped DS measure out his ingredients for food tech today. Played with both kids.

Sometimes, particularly if you work in the week, weekends are just for chilling.

I feel you're playing martyr. Have a friendly chat with him, but no pressure.

I think you're being quite harsh on him. I'd also watch the keeping score and counting hours too much, that is really poisonous to a marriage if you let it get out of hand, you're a married couple not a childcare business.

If you feel he's not pulling his weight generally you need to discuss it together with no kids around and make sure you have equal downtime after work, childcare, house and life admin is taken care of. Getting the hump because he didn't match your timesheet hours this weekend isn't the way to do it imo.

And TBH he has fed the children both days, which means he's taken care of that mental load so you haven't had to worry about it - it doesn't matter if it's a simple meal, he's still taken care of it. This stuff works both ways!

But I expect to work on the house at least 3 hours over the weekend!

This does sound a bit like you're his boss though!

Sometimes I do more than DH at the weekend, sometimes it's the other way round. So long as it balances out fairly evenly I don't mind him having a 'lazy' weekend.

It's starting to sound like you aren't being very kind to him because it sounds like you've all been away, most of the household are tired and out of sorts, and instead of just accepting that different people go at different paces and that's fine because he generally pulls his weight, you're creating an atmosphere because not everyone could, or wanted, to bounce back straight into real life. Chill.

The mental load of the cooking was minimal, I had already solved it as I plan the menus (I do the weekly shop). It's not like he had to re-invent the wheel.

I do know that he's less productive when we have a full house (every other weekend).