DH did F'all all weekend

[holidayblues25]

I left on Saturday to do the weekly shop, and spend some time with my DD, yes it took me 4 hours, which was a bit longer than usual, but it wasn't like I went to the spa... DH said he had tons to do in the garden and would take things to the dump. AFAIK none of that happened, and he couldn't even walk the dog because our eldest wanted to come too, but DH didn't feel it was fair to leave the 5yo with the 12yo, fair enough.

Then on Sunday, he said he'd do bits around the house including the recycling, but instead he just walked the dog and that was it! I did all the laundry (being six of us it adds up) and cleared our bedroom as well as general cleaning and taking the trash out .

Now, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because I think he should have done more. Forgot to mention he cooked dinners for both nights but neither were massive things ... One was egg fried rice and another one was burgers.

You sound a bit of a nightmare op tbh. Unclench.

4 hours to do the weekly shop?!

If he's doing less than you but doing it in 1/5 the time, you're probably about even.

It sounds like you're letting things pile up too much and everything is taking longer than it needs. Everything is going to domino into each other when basic tasks are taking so much longer than needed, whether he helps or not.

I did nothing this weekend too! Had a lie in on Saturday whilst my husband sorted pets/children/breakfast. Had a little walk. Sunday my husband did the children sports run and I read a book. I cooked one meal. We don’t do any chores during the week either (although we have a cleaner once a week). Is this something you could stretch to as it saves a lot of time and arguments!!

I had loads on my list to do this weekend but honestly I just didn't feel like it. Not a big problem if the garage didn't get sorted, the stairs didn't get a vacuum, the garden didn't get dug over and the car didn't get cleaned. I'll have to suffer the consequences (and fit them in during the next weekend) but it had been such a busy week I don't feel bad. I guess what I'm trying to say it sometimes we don't feel like being that productive and its okay as long as the basics are done.

OMG do you even like this person? Counting what he has and hasn't done .. then posting on here ... with no goodwill?

Yes, it was abnormal
Because I spent 90 mins going to the post office and then just going around town with my DD.

Then I had to go to one supermarket to get the world book day costume for our youngest, and did spend some time trying to figure out what were the options for high welfare meat.

Then went to Lidl for the usual weekly shop.

Normally it would only take me around 90mins.

We've talked about getting a cleaner (after he being opposed for years!) but the reality is that we're not tidy at all, so it makes no sense.

I think it will make you tidy. It’s pointless paying for them to tidy and clean. We like ours to come on a Monday then it’s clean and tidy for the whole week as we both work full time. Quick blitz on a Sunday evening if required so the surfaces can be cleaned.

I have weekends where I plan to do stuff while DH is out with the kids and just can’t get up the motivation or need the rest time. DH is the same. We are only human and it’s not often. Did he say anything about it? We’d probably admit it when the other got home and say something like ‘sorry, the day just got away from me, I was exhausted after last week! I’ll try to do the tip run Tuesday evening instead’. Not a big deal.

Sounds more like a clean-as-you-go problem. Dishes don't have to pile up. You/husband/older kids can wash up after every meal. Clothes don't need to be hanging from the staircase, everyone puts their own away as soon as they are done wearing them. Put a load of laundry on before you leave the house for work, unload when you get back. Clean kitchen counters while you wait for kettle to boil. By the time weekend rolls in, all you are left with is bathroom and hoovering which doesn't take any time at all. Kids do their own bedrooms.

We all need a weekend of doing absolutely nothing sometimes. If it's a one off it seems harsh that you're going on about it, and making threads about it.

I think that's a weird Mn thing. We don't tidy in advance of our cleaner coming, and have never done so, with any of the cleaners we've had in all the houses and flat we've lived in since first having a cleaner. Nor does anyone I know. She does whatever she can do in four hours.

I've seen suggested on here that you list all the chores you each do and then look at the list together. Would that help you?

(I should do it with my DH but I can't be bothered with the arguments! Yes, it's important that he does car insurance annually but a 3 hour job once a year is not the same as putting a wash on, hanging it up and then putting it away virtually every day!!!)

Having a cleaner makes us tidy up. She also only does downstairs so we don't have to tidy the whole house before she comes.

I’m not sure what the point of this comment is? Your DH had a busy weekend….

This sounds wonderful - I've never managed it 😞 just slovenly, I think, like my paternal grandma but the opposite of my mum and mum's mum 😀

Why couldn't he just take the 5 year old dog walking as well ...or even better all the kids for some air?
I agree you can have relaxed weekends but not if one person is doing the musts

I tend to agree about looking at the big picture.
As a one off, after travelling (as a guess, you mention jet lag), I don’t think anyone would get upset.
UNLESS what he is normally doing is already annoying you/you’re getting resentful because he isn’t pulling his weight.

Im going to bet the isdue isn’t what he did (or rather didn’t) do this weekend. It’s what he is normally doing - aka the odd jobs he fancies doing whilst leaving you with the bulk of day to day stuff to do, incl all the mental load.
All the while, you should be ok with weak excuses such as ‘I had all the dc incl the 5yo so I couldn’t walk the dog’. I mean, if roles were reversed, you’d have walk the dog agd found a way right?

Ahh, ours only comes for 2, so that’s why we do it. I prefer knowing where things are and hate cleaning and changing beds so we prioritise that. It only takes 30mins or so, mostly clothes being put away!

I don’t know any families who pay their cleaner to tidy as well, maybe we’re just a peculiarly generally tidy bunch!

Tried a million times and failed just as many.

The only thing that more or less happens is offloading the dishwasher while waiting for the coffee warms up.

Or washing the ones that can't be in the dishwasher while cooking dinner.

But they still pile up, especially after a weekend dinner

It sounds similar to what we’ve always dine at home.
BUT it relies on the dh to actually pull his weight up in the evening and fir him to parent the dcs (to ensure the older ones ARE indeed washing up fur example)

The OP mentions how they’re all tired in the evening so, seeing how little her dh does normally, I doubt he’d be happy to pull his weight up agd start doing chores in the evenings instead.
Much confier to rely on the OP doing it (nearly) all.

Xpost @holidayblues25
Im actually sorry 😢 I was right in my guess.

If he usually does a fair share of chores/childcare then I don't think a lazy weekend every now & then is something to get worked up about. I was so shattered after Christmas (had MIL staying for 2 weeks!) I spent the weekend after sat on the sofa watching trash tv. The fact that you have posted this suggests that it is an ongoing issue which has really riled you & needs addressing in a proper conversation with him.

You mention jet lag so you are all just back from a long haul holiday, give him a break!

If you flipped this around and said your husband went out for 4 hours shopping and left you with the kids to look after and then complained nothing was done when you got home the responses would be different 😂