DH did F'all all weekend

[holidayblues25]

I left on Saturday to do the weekly shop, and spend some time with my DD, yes it took me 4 hours, which was a bit longer than usual, but it wasn't like I went to the spa... DH said he had tons to do in the garden and would take things to the dump. AFAIK none of that happened, and he couldn't even walk the dog because our eldest wanted to come too, but DH didn't feel it was fair to leave the 5yo with the 12yo, fair enough.

Then on Sunday, he said he'd do bits around the house including the recycling, but instead he just walked the dog and that was it! I did all the laundry (being six of us it adds up) and cleared our bedroom as well as general cleaning and taking the trash out .

Now, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because I think he should have done more. Forgot to mention he cooked dinners for both nights but neither were massive things ... One was egg fried rice and another one was burgers.

Some weekends I feel burnt out and do the bare minimum and so does dh, but it's not usually at the same time. While it can be annoying when you're laser focused and the other is mooching, on this occasion you had time with your DD and he also had some downtime.

To avoid resentment DH and I divide up the essential tasks on a Friday night (ie cooking, kids activities, washing uniforms) so we noth know what we MUST do, everything else we do is optional and on each of us.

After 5 days working weekends are for doing as much or as little as you want to in our house.

No one dictates what another person does.

If big projects need doing a few days annual leave are taken to get the job seen to and done.

Context counts for a lot. If he lazes in front of the TV all through the summer months then that is a different matter. An odd weekend in February not such a big deal.

This wouldn’t bother me, as we both understand the need for a break.

He sounds lazy OP. My husband will run the hoover round every single day as we have a dog! He will mop also if needed otherwise every other day, take the dog out everyday and to be honest anything else that needs doing.

I have a chronic health condition which means every day is different for me & he has never made me feel like I don’t pull my weight.

He works as I can’t! He has a very stressful job but still manages to do everything that needs doing that day/week.

When I have good days I do go out of my way to do things for him, I am his personal stylist so he never needs to go shopping as I ensure his wardrobe is kept up to date. Which he loves as he will only go shopping with me and to be honest I haven’t been for quite a few years. All of the online shopping is done by me & he does all the returns. Kids do their ironing & I do ours. I do all the laundry.

It takes me a while to get mobile in the mornings & he loves to crack on with chores early so he can chill the remainder of the day.

His cleaning could be better which he acknowledges but he likes to whizz around which at the end of the day may be not as thorough as me but at least he does it and it’s that which is important and he is getting better.

He has shown the children that when circumstances change in a family this is how a partner should step up and to never be resentful. It’s a partnership, it’s not about one partner doing more of the household chores. We all have our different skill sets and by working together there is harmony in a family.

We have been married for 30 years but it doesn’t feel like it.

I am good at interior design I think so anything house related I style and buy things for.

He is very bad at DIY so I get trades in.

He can be quite oblivious to what needs doing so I tell him & that has always worked well for us. Him and the kids love to say how I always find things that need doing around the house!

I honestly don’t know how things would be at home if my husband was one of these men.

Are you his wife or his line manager?

Rather than keeping a mental tally, have you tried communicating with him?

"I'm going to do the food shop, whilst I'm gone please could you...."
"After lunch shall we....? I'll do..... if you're happy to do.....?"

It sounds like he had a 12 year old and a 5 year old with him - maybe he was playing with the kids?

Yep, mine did F all until we split and now he has to run his own house and have the kids every other weekend. Surprisingly he can do it all now he is on his own.

Definitely not!!

Obviously I don't give him tasks, when I left he told me what he was doing.
Yesterday I didn't even bother asking because I thought he'd do something

Why does he (or you) need to be "productive" at the weekend. Last time I checked, weekends were for rest and recuperation after a full week at work.
We did nothing this weekend except to walk the dog to the nearest cafe, then go back home. I did a bit of gardening but that's because I enjoy it. It's my hobby, not a job. Partner made breakfast, hoovered the living room then spent the rest of the day reading. I shoved two stakes into airfrier and loaded a washing machine. This is what most of our weekends look like and the house has not fallen down just yet. We spend 5 min every day doing "maintenance clean" so there is no need to deep clean anything for 3 hours every weekend.

Perhaps a time-sheet with itemised activities for him?
You could get him to clock in and out to ensure there is no slacking.
Then a performance review once a month to check on progress against performance metrics?
These things are all the foundation of a happy marriage.

How often do people do a tip run?! I probably went a few years ago. If we needed to there is one within 10 minutes drive and there is a supermarket beside it so I guess would do it and combine with supermarket trip.
Painting a room might be a one off plan to do one weekend or take a day off or get someone in to do it. Don’t do deep cleaning. How much tidying does a garden need?

I guess we keep things low maintenance in the first place, these years with young DC just want to enjoy with them.

So he cleans the conservatory roof! Would YOU do that? I think not, and by doing it, he is saving you money. It sounds to me as though he is a perfectly rounded husband and you are lucky to have him.
You mention lots of other things he does, most of which you probably don’t like doing. I think you are being very unfair about him and should think yourself lucky.
Carry on resenting him like this and your marriage will be in danger. You are ungrateful and unreasonable and I think you should be very careful of letting this resentment fester into dislike and disdain. Blunt I know, but I see so many people on here who have dreadful husbands and are in real despair, then you, with your lovely caring husband come along with this!

While it's obviously annoying if people don't do things they are supposed to be doing, I really can't see why you would feel the need to post this if it's just one weekend and normally it doesn't happen? Is there more to it?

Because otherwise the house is a tip. Stains on the floor, tumbleweeds of hair, dishes piling up, clothes hanging from the staircase....

We have a biggish house and we have zero energy mon-fri so we only have the weekends to do something

Meh, this doesn’t sound that unusual to me, our weekends are generally for relaxing and having fun, downtime and socialising.
Obviously there will always be daily jobs that need doing, shove a wash load on, run the hoover round, wipe the worktops in the kitchen, that sort of thing. But they don’t take loads of time and are just small daily tasks.
We sometimes will set aside some time to do jobs but rarely - we outsource lots!
A minimum ‘expectation’ of work being done in or on the house every weekend just sounds like more work tbh and I’d hate to feel like instead of dh and I relaxing and pursuing our own things at weekends that he’d be insisting I got up and cleaned the shed roof or some other job.

This is totally normal in our house too sadly.

The bit that you're missing is that we generally don't do any of the normal daily tasks, so we do them over the weekend

Its the opposite in our house. Husband is the doer and I'm the relaxer. Weekends for me are for not keeping to a time schedule and just going with the flow.

So I would write it off as he was particularly tired that weekend then. If it becomes a pattern then you say something.

Sounds like you've just been away long haul and he's still recovering from that. If he usually does stuff then I'd let this go - everybody has an unproctive weekend now and then (you should try it yourself sometime if you never do - he can take over for once).

In general though - yes he should pull his weight.

As an aside, don't underestimate the value of odd jobs like cleaning the gutters out. Just because they're once a year type things and don't have the visual hit of, say, cleaning the bathroom doesn't mean they're not important <voice of bitter experience >.

You are the priority 💐 hope you’re ok x

That’s nice but what point are you trying to make? Your situation sound completely different to the OP and her DH’s, and not everyone enjoys gardening.

I did nothing all weekend as well. Sometimes it’s needed.