to give up on trying to help diabetic partner?

[Cavapoodlenoodle]

Partner of 7 years, M 54, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, on metformin, statins, bp meds, very sedentary, eats mostly fried or processed food, drinks too much (this weekend he has got through 17 cans of cider/lager). Just had GP review and blood results are awful and as a result his metformin has been increased. He has no interest in researching healthier diets, cutting back drinking, starting any exercise. He spends hours sitting on the sofa on his phone playing games. Over the last 3 years since his diagnosis, I have tried cooking diabetes friendly meals, sending info, researching blood glucose monitors, encouraging him to drink less, exercise, look after himself etc. It’s got to the point where I feel I need to stop caring, as it is affecting my mood, our relationship and my stress levels. Other areas of our relationship are not great. He seems happy to stay grumpy and feeling worse every day, whereas I did not sign up for this, nor do I want to be saddled looking after someone who doesn’t look after himself. Is this incredibly selfish? What do I do?

He doesn't exactly sound like a go getting partner...

Leave, before you absolutely waste the latter years of your life being a full time carer.

Does he have any kids? Is he depressed? Do you think he loves and respects you?

You can’t force this. I am sorry. He is lucky to have you.

He doesn't sound like a 'partner' at all.

Does he work or help at home?

This.. he will just get worse and worse if he's neglecting his diabetes. Probably end up with body parts needing amputated

17 cans of lager! Yes he is selfish.

My DH is diabetic too.
Not because of diet, but because of Asian genes.
He does not drink or smoke or eat carbs/sugar/ processed shit.
Walks over 10 k steps daily though he needs to up his gymming. Diabetes under control.
I couldnt tolerate this.

I would leave if I were you
It's only going to get worse....

That sounds such an upsetting and frustrating situation for you.

Unfortunately, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

He clearly doesn't want to change and has no intention of doing so.

The ball is in your court whether you're prepared to stay knowing that.

He sounds like he has a death wish with that diet and alcohol consumption while having those heath issues. You'll end up being carer. Decide whether that's for you.

You literally cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change. If he had other redeeming qualities I’d say maybe you just bite your tongue and let him get on with it, but it’s doesn’t sound like you are happy in your relationship for other reasons as well.
And so you understand, you staying isn’t helping him but is enabling his destructive behavior. There is no impetus on him to change. Why are you ruining your own life with someone so out to live a miserable life. 7 years doesn’t sound long enough to be so utterly linked financially to him, so why are you staying?

Leave

You’re being unreasonable staying with a partner who’s clearly an alcoholic slob

As the saying goes 'you can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink'. You have provided information, encouraged, cooked healthier meals but you can't force your husband to take notice, let alone act. The only person who can improve your husband's health, is your husband. Unfortunately, you have no option but to take a step back. If you cook, then you can cook healthier options for you both, after all that benefits you too. The rest is down to him.

Leave him, unless you want to end up as his carer.

Tbh I can't imagine what you find attractive about a man like that anyway.

My blood sugars were so bad after Christmas I lost a stone and a half and couldn't function. I now have a blood glucose sensor which is the best thing for monitoring and seeing the patterns. I also changed my insulin regime and can hardly believe the difference in energy. I can't recommend a glucose sensor enough

He’s being very selfish.

I wouldn’t be prepared to end up as a carer for someone who did zero to help themselves avoid dependency.

He's at high risk of stroke, heart attack, visual loss, foot ulcers, nerve damage etc. Could easily become significantly disabled with you as his carer - if that's not acceptable to you then leaving is your only option.

He sounds like my father, except he is in his 70s and been with my mum for nearly 50 years. He takes so many tablets for various things, and thinks that is the way to fix them. He wont entertain the thought of actual lifestyle changes at all. Very infuriating, but what can you do?

Another vote for a continuous glucose monitor for anyone interested in taking control.

What are your options for leaving?

Without intervention, he is only going to get worse and the next stage will be amputations as PP have pointed out. Nothing you can do at this point is to protect yourself and any children.

Tell him you want him write a will and get his affairs in order, as he’s probably going to be dead soon unless he takes better care of himself. Might shock him into action.

Get out before you end up trapped as his carer

I think a carer patient equation destroys relationships.Yes it can happen as people get older, but both partners need to make an attempt at staying fit to show willing.

If he’s not careful he might have serious sight problems. Plus numerous other body part failures. You will be his carer and he will die early. So your choice but he lacks respect for himself and for you. Even diabetes that is controlled can end up being problematic. It’s very uncaring of him.

Probably can’t do anything about an infuriating parent.

But romantic relationships can break down, especially if one partner is contributing very little to the relationship & not even caring about their own health.