to give up on trying to help diabetic partner?

[Cavapoodlenoodle]

Partner of 7 years, M 54, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, on metformin, statins, bp meds, very sedentary, eats mostly fried or processed food, drinks too much (this weekend he has got through 17 cans of cider/lager). Just had GP review and blood results are awful and as a result his metformin has been increased. He has no interest in researching healthier diets, cutting back drinking, starting any exercise. He spends hours sitting on the sofa on his phone playing games. Over the last 3 years since his diagnosis, I have tried cooking diabetes friendly meals, sending info, researching blood glucose monitors, encouraging him to drink less, exercise, look after himself etc. It’s got to the point where I feel I need to stop caring, as it is affecting my mood, our relationship and my stress levels. Other areas of our relationship are not great. He seems happy to stay grumpy and feeling worse every day, whereas I did not sign up for this, nor do I want to be saddled looking after someone who doesn’t look after himself. Is this incredibly selfish? What do I do?

If he has diabetes, weight loss injection would replace the metformin he would probably take first life anyway.

Its just that loosing weight would also help with all the other issues with his BP etc…,

I agree that NHS dietary advice for diabetics is pretty woeful.

But I struggle to have 'empathy' for a diabetic who drinks 17 cans of beer in a weekend and thinks it's 'impressive'. Some people can't be helped.

Yes, it’s hard to know where one issue ends and another starts. I feel I have been as supportive as I know how to be for the last 2.5 years, not being an expert in diabetes. But I have researched and asked questions and listened to experts and improved my own diet and health and I’m just frustrated living with someone who feels crap most of the time due to his illness, is grumpy, is depressed and is in a vicious cycle of self sabotage. This is why I posted in AIBU as I feel I now need to step back and let him sink or swim which feels both totally cruel and absolutely essential self care for me. I’m not used to putting myself first - my job as childminder and role as a Mum is all about looking after others to the best of my ability. I do have to remind myself however he is a grown up, not a toddler!

@NewtonsCradle Metformin which OPs husband is on does lower glucose but given his habits it will be lowering it from sky high to too high.

I’ve been taking it for 3 years and if I’m lucky the lowest it will get is a normal level for a non diabetic, so he’s unlikely to be having low blood sugar episodes which make him eat carelessly.

From my own experience it’s the yo-yoing from sky high and back from carbs that makes me get into an eating loop.

I think Type 1 diabetics likely stay in better health as you are diagnosed younger, take insulin and have to be conscious of carbs etc as you know the consequences.

I was genuinely shocked at the advice given to me as a newly diagnosed Type 2 - you’ve done it to yourself so lose weight and take these tablets. It was a year before I was given any referrals to weight management or how diabetes works. I was in support groups with type 2 people on insulin who had been given an injection protocol but zero education on carbs.

All to say - it is very easy as a type 2 to bury your head in the sand in a way that’s not possible as a type 1 which can lead to mismanagement for years until the damage really kicks in.

And thank you for sharing that with 30
years of diabetes behind you, you are in excellent health. It’s really reassuring to hear.

His GP didn’t mention Mounjaro at all during his recent check up. They upped his metformin. Do you think they are trying that first and see how it goes? What’s the prescribing protocol?

@Lentilweaver have you or anyone in your family been tested for LADA?

If I were you OP I would get some therapy just for you. You should tell your therapist what you’ve told us- that you crave peace but stay with a man who doesn’t give you that and who you feel a need to “fix”.

There’s something behind that- there’s more to say. It’s just getting to it.

@Cavapoodlenoodle if his BMI is under 30 there will be a series of other drugs they will try if the increased Metformin doesn’t work.

With any luck the increased dose will kill his appetite and that might take some weight off.

The root of Type 2 is insulin resistance which is caused by visceral fat build up in the abdomen so unless he strips Saturated fat and excess glucose from refined carbs, he’s not going to see much improvement.

One positive though is even 3 months of diet and exercise can yield results - I reduced my HBA1C by 15% in that period of time.

This.

Thank you. Food for thought, as it were!

It sounds like you've been thinking about leaving him for a while, OP. The logistics and that.

Think about that. Think about how much you've thought about it. Do you think about it once a day? More? How long has it been in the back of your mind? That tells you something.

If you were childminding in someone else's home, or working in a creche, do you think you would be more or less likely to leave him? That tells you something too.

No-one's saying you don't care about your partner, but it sounds like you've been unhappy for a while, and it's not hard to see why you're struggling. Sit with your feelings and watch them for a while. See what patterns emerge. If there's something you keep coming back to, think about what that might mean. You can work your way through this

Yes give up and focus on yourself. As well as therapy, I'd suggest having a good look at how your finances are sorted and what position you would be in if he did die tomorrow. If you wouldn't be in a position to keep the house and therefore your business, I'd think about looking at a job instead. Yes you shouldn't have to and it will add to the resentment but you also need to be pragmatic here.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Metformin can cause renal failure, the more crap he puts in his body, the more metformin he will have to take, it's the cheapest of the cheap drugs & because of this is the firstline treatment despite there being better drugs available. If he isn't prepared to make changes, all you can do is protect yourself for if or when the worst happens, make sure your insurances for mortgage & income protection are paid & build up a stash in the bank in your own name.

My DH is a diet controlled type 2 diabetic. He was diagnosed 5 years ago during Covid and we joined several online groups for support. It’s my observation that either newly diagnosed folk take immediate action, lose weight, cut carbs, get serious or they take more and more medication whilst continuing to eat themselves to death. I would lose all respect for someone that didn’t do what they could to help themself. We left the groups, they are too depressing. Ultimatum time?

Has he rold his gp how miserable he is? (Which the drinking will be making worse). It does sound as though he has given up.

Fo his daughter's sake I would be asking him to get help with his mental health (and his associated drinking)

Absolutely yy to everyone saying only he can fix it. But with you and perhaps particularly without you, he might do better if his depression and drinking were being tackled.

What is his relationship like with his ex? And what is yours? And likewise his parents (if they are alive)? Without suggesting that anyone else but him can fix it, I think they would probably want to know just how bad things already are. If you can de-enmesh yourself from his (lack of) self care you might feel more ready to "get it out in the open" (Im guessing you might hitherto have been feeling some shared shame for the state of him. Ditch that, it might make it easier to ket others know what's happening.)

Thank you so much for this message. He has no friends and rarely speaks to his family (he’s a massive introvert). I opened up to my Mum yesterday for the first time and then posted this on MN so I think I’ve reached the end of my tolerance. I forgot to add in my original post he is also on fluoxetine for depression - been on it years, doesn’t always remember to take it; again it’s down to me to notice he’s more down/irritable than usual and remind him to sort it out.
His ex broke up with him for similar reasons (I think - if I ask him why did your last relationship break down he says he doesn’t know) - they co- parent amicably but his ex does 90% of it.
I didn’t sleep well last night but feel today I have had enough and for my own sanity I’m going to take a step back. The one positive thing to happen is that he has applied for a glucose sensor this weekend with a view to starting to see how his diet affects him. Fingers crossed that knocks some sense into him…

Sorry but I would plan an exit from this relationship. You could end up being a carer for him in a wheelchair- not great if you dont love him.

This, and while the future looks bleak the present is already shite.

I could have written so much of this. My dh has never taken his diabetes seriously. Not overweight (underweight if anything) but eats crap, not so much sweet stuff but Crisps, chips, burgers processed food. Also at times drinking a bottle of wine a night 5 nights a week and smoking. Sometimes forgets to take his medication. He was diagnosed about 12 years ago.

Every time he has his diabetes review , they just up his medication.
About a month ago he had his blood test results and they showed very high sugar , high cholesterol and liver damage. Even after this he still carried on.

I insisted on going with him to discuss his results with the diabetic nurse and then the doctor. He was told he's a ticking time bomb for heart attack or stroke. They have now doubled his medication! He takes around 10 tablets a day.
To be fair he has started eating better, drinking less and taking things a bit more seriously but to be honest I know the damage is done, not only physically to him but to our marriage. He became completely impotent years ago and didn't care. I was just expected to accept it, as apparently it happens to everyone with diabetes 🤔
I feel more like his mother, checking that he's eaten, checking he's taken his tablets, tested his blood etc. I'm just waiting for the day when it all catches up with him. You have my sympathy, I know how difficult it is and how stupidity is not attractive!!

Glucose sensor is really useful, OP Has helped DH cut out rice and flour- that is our vice!- almost completely. Depression not an excuse but should be tackled because that makes him eat. Is it job related? Can he switch jobs? DH had to do that and he mostly WFH as he finds that less stressful.

To posters who kindly offered me advice, we have good medical advice and we are both following Fast 800 as much as we can, though we fall off the wagon sometimes.

Low or reduced carbs, good fats, no sugar, no or v low UPF, no drinking, fasting and a lot of green leafy low carb veg, eggs and pulses. Definitely works but hard to stick to. Yesterday we shared a portiom of chips. Today back to the diet with salads and soup. I don't police DH too much. I just make sure there is always healthy food.

We are not LADA afaik but don't want to derail further!

I don't know if diabetes can affect the brain but I wonder if that could be relevant?

Maybe a psychiatric assessment?

Right now, you're his mummy, not his partner.

My oh's father lost a leg because he behaved like this. His poor wife (who died before him) poured her whole life into him. You're ten years younger than me. In ten years time you will be a nurse to a man who largely got himself into his future situation. You'll be doing everything.

He could research his condition, take all the advice, manage his medication properly, make changes to his lifestyle, start exercising sensibly, change his diet etc etc etc.

Or he could do what he's doing for the duration.

Either one is a conscious choice.

Female socialisation is a bitch. 'Am I being selfish?' NO. YOU ARE NOT. What you are doing at the moment is martyring yourself.

So is this what you want for your next phase in life? Nursing a grumpy invalid who got himself into his situation?

Has his doc got any plans to get him off the fluoxetine?

I was on it for a while when I was very depressed following a bereavement. It took away a lot of the anxiety but also anxiety can sometimes be beneficial too - I just didn't care that I was sitting around on the sofa eating and drinking far too much, and piled on weight.

I got prediabetes and got weaned off the prozac at the same time, and between the two it gave me a massive, massive kick up the arse to sort myself out - I've lost 5 stones now and am a healthy BMI.

He does need to want to change, but the fluoxetine can be a double edged sword.

This is why I posted in AIBU as I feel I now need to step back and let him sink or swim which feels both totally cruel and absolutely essential self care for me.

Id reframe that.
You're not letting him ‘swim or sink’. That implies you somehow have a responsibility to help him.
Youre letting him decide how to handle his illness(es). You’re letting him choose what sort of life he wants.

Supporting your partner is pretty normal in a marriage. Supporting doesn’t mean being the driver, the one who does it all. It means following his lead.

Please dint feel bad about stepping back from a role you’re not supposed to play. As a PP said, you’re not his mother. You’re his wife.