to give up on trying to help diabetic partner?

[Cavapoodlenoodle]

Partner of 7 years, M 54, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, on metformin, statins, bp meds, very sedentary, eats mostly fried or processed food, drinks too much (this weekend he has got through 17 cans of cider/lager). Just had GP review and blood results are awful and as a result his metformin has been increased. He has no interest in researching healthier diets, cutting back drinking, starting any exercise. He spends hours sitting on the sofa on his phone playing games. Over the last 3 years since his diagnosis, I have tried cooking diabetes friendly meals, sending info, researching blood glucose monitors, encouraging him to drink less, exercise, look after himself etc. It’s got to the point where I feel I need to stop caring, as it is affecting my mood, our relationship and my stress levels. Other areas of our relationship are not great. He seems happy to stay grumpy and feeling worse every day, whereas I did not sign up for this, nor do I want to be saddled looking after someone who doesn’t look after himself. Is this incredibly selfish? What do I do?

My husband is not easy to live with BUT he has, since being diagnosed Type 2, lost 1.5 stone. Stopped drinking apart from a small glass of wine if we have company, he goes to the Health Studio most days to do power assisted circuits. I'm his carer, he is 78 and I'm 70, I couldn't do this if he didn't take responsibility. He eats nuts for snacking and Greek yoghurt and berries for pudding. Sweet potatoes and celeriac instead of potatoes, he likes them and feels better. Occasional wobble but rarer these days as he likes feeling well! If your husband doesn't work with you you will end up resenting every moment that you care and that is no life, it will get much worse...

He's not going to have a long lifespan tbh

DH has done all this research.

I will say it's very hard work. We are Asian vegetarian and cutting out rice, chapatis and potatoes from our diets and eating more protein is incredibly tough. Eating veggies is easy. But we are both doing it most of the time.

Today he wanted to destress on the sofa but I persuaded him into a 2 hour walk first. It's a whole change of lifestyle.

No bedroom exercise has happened for at least 18 months - he has withdrawn to the spare room….

I can see why you stay with him, sounds like a right catch!

(Seriously though, he'll probably be dead by age 60 or at the very least have had his legs amputated, what are you waiting around for....)

@Cavapoodlenoodle unfortunately I don’t think you can avoid becoming his carer if you stay in the same house because you sound like a caring person who wouldn’t allow him to struggle.

They will know he’s lying at his appointment. They have eyes to see he hasn’t lost weight. The bloods will show his blood sugars, the damage he’s doing to his kidneys and liver with 17 cans. The only person he is fooling is himself.

Ultimately if what he is showing them is that he doesn’t care what happens to him, they have no investment in doing anything except giving him more and more meds.
After Metformin they will likely move to something called jardiance which will make him wee constantly and possibly get raging thrush in his genital area or a form of necrosis - rare but tends to occur primarily in people who seriously neglect their self care.

Depending on how his pancreas holds up the step after that could be ozempic or straight to insulin. Both of which need to be managed super carefully alongside diet and alcohol consumption to avoid hypos which can be life threatening.

I’m not saying this to be dramatic or negative but the road ahead is only going to be full of worse and worse outcomes for him. Every time he binge drinks or eats junk food or overloads on carbs he’s making his future life difficult.

I used to do it too, til someone said to me ‘every day you chose your hard’.

Giving up carbs was hard but in the future having heart disease would be harder.

Exercising is hard but going blind would be a lot harder.

For you, you have to chose your hard too. I’m sorry to sound like a downer but you shouldn’t have to live with the consequences of his behaviour or his fear.

You are amazing!

I have form for staying too long in relationships that are no longer healthy for me 😕 I alternate between feeling so angry with him and then wanting to help him sort everything out.

@Cavapoodlenoodle re bedroom department it’s likely he has ED due to damage to the blood vessels in the area or no feeling due to nerve damage.

If you replaced the drinking with vaping, I’d put my head you were talking about my husband. Mid 40’s, never a day’s illness prior to type 2 diabetes diagnosis. Now on every medication you mentioned plus Rybelsus 14mg (Ozempic in tablet form). Prior to this, nothing was actually working. Highest dose modified release Metformin only resulted in diarrhoea and moaning. Constantly cold, poor circulation in feet and nerve pain, eye sight deteriorating, morbidly obese…NO exercise whatsoever, still eating all the carbs and junk food that got him into this sad mess in first place. I go round and round in circles with him. The only way I can cope is to take a step back, realise I’ve led the horse to water and now he has to drink for himself.

One thing I have noticed since my husband started taking Ozempic is that his appetite has massively decreased. It’s not a long term fix (meaning they want to get his weight down and then gradually reduce dose again and he can try to mimic the eating habits). So maybe that’s an option for your husband?

Good luck, this situation is very distressing as a partner to feel like you’re just standing by and watching a train wreck.

Perhaps you need to tell him that things need to change and you both can't go on like this.

My dad found slimming club very helpful. My mum went around a few and found one with a group of men. She went with him and he started to learn about eating healthier. Mens weight can come off quite quickly and mum said he enjoyed being slimmer of the week etc which motivated him a bit more. It was a last chance for my dad as mum said she couldn't do it any more so he gave it a try and found group thing worked well for him

Yeah he's lost his hard on.

I don't know what can be done OP..some men are just stubborn fuckers and won't be told what to do. Even if it kills them.

Well that’s something… if it’s not practical to leave him at the moment I would still be planning to do so in the future.

I would start planning to leave him.
He doesnt appear to have any redeeming qualities.

It really is. My partner also is of the mindset that he’s taken his pills today so that will sort everything out.

My FIL wasn't good at managing his diabetes. He dropped dead from a heart attack at 61. Time for some tough love from you and his doctors. He needs to be told in no uncertain terms that he is heading for an early death and probably a painful horrible one.

If you can't get through to him, you really need to get legal advice about your house and your business. I wouldn't stay and watch him slowly killing himself ☹️

He does love me in his own way. There are lots of thoughtful gestures but these are massively outweighed by the selfish behaviour. I’m finding it increasingly hard to not scream at him.

Thank you. I think I need to hear this 😳

He’s currently sat on the sofa with a beer and shovelling down a bowl of microwave popcorn…

Just leave him, seems he's beyond help.

Honestly I would call AA first. You are minimising the drinking but hes an alcoholic.

@Cavapoodlenoodle thank you for your lovely reply. I am mostly ok. I am no longer angry every day and that is a relief. Stupidly I miss him and still care about him but he has to take responsibility for himself. He destroyed his health and our marriage and he was destroying me. You will know when you’ve had enough

My DH ignored his diabetes. I did everything you did, research, changed our diets, offered to go to the gym with him. He sort of tried, but would then slip back into the old habits. He had to give up driving because he couldn’t see well enough, but that didn’t motivate him to change. He was then diagnosed with kidney failure, he had various infections and even ended up in intensive care a couple of times. He had two toes amputated, and then his leg. Then he lost his fingers one by one.
He was on dialysis, had one leg, three fingers, couldn’t see properly, and was still getting his mates and his mum to bring him coke, crisps and McDonald’s into the hospital.
He died last February, he was 50.

He is an adult making his own choices
He is not your child
You make your choice
Leave him to it

This was my exdh. Our last couple of years together he ended up on dialysis and then waiting for a kidney transplant. He had operations on his eyes. His blood pressure was 220 over 180.
He was sullen, ignored me. I'd get in from work and he would have made me a cuppa half an hour earlier and cleared off to bed.
The last 2 weeks together I ended up injecting him with glucagon every night.
I left him. Wasn't his wife anymore. I was his nurse.
We stayed in touch. He got his new kidney a year later and celebrated by taking it on a bender to Amsterdam.
I met someone else and had dd. Ex used to visit, as we had joint custody of the dogs, bring my dd chocolate.
Three years after we split I got a phonecall from his sister, he'd had a heart attack and died. He was just 50.