to give up on trying to help diabetic partner?

[Cavapoodlenoodle]

Partner of 7 years, M 54, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, on metformin, statins, bp meds, very sedentary, eats mostly fried or processed food, drinks too much (this weekend he has got through 17 cans of cider/lager). Just had GP review and blood results are awful and as a result his metformin has been increased. He has no interest in researching healthier diets, cutting back drinking, starting any exercise. He spends hours sitting on the sofa on his phone playing games. Over the last 3 years since his diagnosis, I have tried cooking diabetes friendly meals, sending info, researching blood glucose monitors, encouraging him to drink less, exercise, look after himself etc. It’s got to the point where I feel I need to stop caring, as it is affecting my mood, our relationship and my stress levels. Other areas of our relationship are not great. He seems happy to stay grumpy and feeling worse every day, whereas I did not sign up for this, nor do I want to be saddled looking after someone who doesn’t look after himself. Is this incredibly selfish? What do I do?

No, you're not selfish, he is. He is obviously completely ignoring any advice from medical professionals about his diet. He sounds as though he has a death wish and you could easily end up as his carer. He is a prime candidate for a heart attack or stroke. I would leave him before any of this happens.

Thank you for your messages. To answer a few qs he has a 14 year old daughter who visits us every other weekend. She is lovely and deserves a Dad at his best. I feel so sorry for her. Partner works full time, rarely misses a day through ill health, but I can’t help feel it will all come to a head and there will be a massive health crisis. He also is not great with money, has some debt which he is tackling, no savings, but we share a mortgage. I have savings, a good pension, but I work from home (childminder) and need the house to run my business.

Also, perhaps more importantly, he's an alcoholic.

@Cavapoodlenoodle Very very sadly, he will pay for this in the end. And if I were you I wouldn't stay around for what will happen. My diabetic uncle ignored his diabetes, in denial I think. He lost a leg to amputation (had gangrene), has macular degeneration which requires monthly injections INTO his eyes, has heart failure and is now on 3 X weekly dialysis.

If you stay with him, you will become his nurse

I’d be the same as you. You’ve tried to help, but he’s not willing to help himself. 17 cans of alcohol is a lot for a non- diabetic, let alone a diabetic!

Do you live with him?

I would end this relationship before you burn out and it kills your mental health.

He's making his choices and he knows the consequences. You get to make yours. I know what mine would be. I wouldn't work to help someone who won't work to help themselves.

I'm type 2 diabetic, walk 10k steps a day, barely eat any carbs, and rarely eat out as I'm fastidious with my diet. Lost 4 stone, and am off nearly all meds apart from 1 x 500mg Metformin a day. I quite value having eyesight and lower limbs, oddly enough.

DH was told he's borderline diabetic 4 months ago. His hba1c was higher than mine.. and he's done fuck all about it. Still drinking gallons of milky instant coffee with 2 sugars, binge eating chocolate and eating double portions of food. I'm not wasting my time energy or inclination by trying to educate him, he knows better than the GP and me and I've been very clear that I won't be his carer because these are his decisions and he's the one who will live with the consequences.

I do - we share a mortgage. I run a business from the house so worried about losing my business if we split :(

At this rate @Cavapoodlenoodle he has already caused internal damage which will start to show in a few years. By the time he’s 60 he will be well on his way to being disabled on several fronts due to his actions now.

Getting a diagnosis of Type 2 comes with a lot of shame and stigma still, and it’s easy to ignore for a while as you aren’t taking insulin or having hypos and blame mood swings and fatigue on work or life or getting older. But it’s all the diabetes.

It’s hard to turn your life around but it is possible - but only he can do it. You have done all you can and sound like a great, supportive partner but he has to make the changes.
Has his GP or clinical pharmacist referred him to any of the group support available?

If he continues, you will end up as his carer. Is that what you want for your future? You both have hard decisions and potentially big changes to make but you need to prioritise yourself. And I say that as someone with Type 2 who sometimes slips into destructive behaviour. No one can live anyone else’s life for them.

Sounds familiar :( but how does that work practically refusing to be his carer if you live in the same house? Any advice welcome!

Usually they don't care until they lose their erection. They don't think it'll happen to them. Sadly I don't know if it cm be reversed or not and Viagra doesn't work for all men.

Indeed. 17 cans in a weekend - is he intentionally self-sabotaging?

I would be giving him an ultimatum. But with the knowledge that there will be no real change unless he actually wants it.

I was in your position twenty years ago, my DH’s uncontrolled diabetes caused him to have a heart attack and subsequently a triple bypass ten years ago. He ignored all good medical advice, became impotent, now has stage five kidney disease and is awaiting dialysis. He lied and lied and lied, to me and every health professional he has seen, about his food consumption, claiming he hardly ate anything and would definitely start looking after himself. Our marriage imploded six weeks ago and he left. I am 60 and have no idea what the future holds but he is no longer my responsibility. He will undoubtedly eat himself to death. Don’t be me

He has an appointment to have his feet checked this week, along with a discussion with a dietitian. Trouble is, she will ask how his diet is and he will lie minimise how bad his diet is. Not sure why; the only one being harmed is him 🤷🏻‍♀️

My DH was like this to begin with when he was diagnosed minus the alcohol. He didn't drink at all
Refused to cut down on sweet stuff, carbs and junk food. Wouldn't exercise.

He had a stroke at 54 and its left him with permanent memory damage, a weak left side and his personality has changed a lot.
He'll never work again as he can't remember conversations or phone calls that happened more than 2 hours ago.
I was furious with him when it happened although now he takes his diabetes seriously and we've worked hard on our marriage.

No advice because it was like talking to a brick wall with my DH till the worst happened but i know how you feel!

Thank you for sharing. Hope you are doing ok? Do you feel a sense of relief now he has left?

Many people in their 70s have to take medications. I'm on blood thinners, diuretics, statins, beta blockers etc and I'm reasonably healthy, living a normal lifestyle. It's just natural breakdown of the body's processes due to age.

Do you drink 17 cans of lager over a weekend though? And he's not in his 70s!

He's 54.

What is wrong with these men? I don’t understand the thought processes? I know I overthink stuff but in this position I would be researching everything, joining discussion groups and doing everything I could to reverse it. Especially with a child involved. I feel so helpless and incredibly angry at the same time….

Well, he won’t be a problem for much longer, the way he’s going. He’ll be blind, losing limbs and then dead.

Why doesn’t he care? He has a daughter. No idea. But you can’t force him to sadly. He’ll be full of regret when he’s disabled though, which likely won’t be far off.

I’d be issuing ultimatums because I wouldn’t want to be the sole financial and domestic carer to someone who abused their body to the point of disability.

He’s 54. When/if he does get to 70 what will his medication regime look like?

True, but my mum is as frustrated by it all as OP is with her partner.
My dad just thinks he can pop pills and my mum will look after the rest. My mum tries her best to stay healthy, but my dad is dragging her down. Like OP, one day she will end up as his carer.
It is selfish.

Leave.

He is on a one way collision course for a serious stroke, heart attack, and serious lower limb problems which could end up in amputation.

If you stay then you need to accept you are going to end up being his carer. Are you prepared to lose your healthy retirement years, waiting on a man who has eaten and drunk himself into being dependent on you?

If you don't want this, then you need to leave.