to give up on trying to help diabetic partner?

[Cavapoodlenoodle]

Partner of 7 years, M 54, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes, on metformin, statins, bp meds, very sedentary, eats mostly fried or processed food, drinks too much (this weekend he has got through 17 cans of cider/lager). Just had GP review and blood results are awful and as a result his metformin has been increased. He has no interest in researching healthier diets, cutting back drinking, starting any exercise. He spends hours sitting on the sofa on his phone playing games. Over the last 3 years since his diagnosis, I have tried cooking diabetes friendly meals, sending info, researching blood glucose monitors, encouraging him to drink less, exercise, look after himself etc. It’s got to the point where I feel I need to stop caring, as it is affecting my mood, our relationship and my stress levels. Other areas of our relationship are not great. He seems happy to stay grumpy and feeling worse every day, whereas I did not sign up for this, nor do I want to be saddled looking after someone who doesn’t look after himself. Is this incredibly selfish? What do I do?

So sorry @Elisheva that's terrible. It is a terrible disease, really.

Omg how sad - I’m so sorry 😔

So sad. Hope you are ok. It’s a terrible disease.

I don’t know how to deal with it all. I crave peace and happiness and he is the opposite of this.

I’m glad for you. Fingers crossed your life is easier from now on.

@Cavapoodlenoodle I think at some point you realise sometimes they don't want to be helped.
It made the decision easier for me to leave. He chose his life, he wasn't choosing mine for me.

@Cavapoodlenoodle Just to say, my uncle's health issues all blew up when he was 52. So not at all elderly.

He's having a pity party about his life/health and self medicating with alcohol. Its unattractive. To be honest if he's not listening to his GP or you and proactively making changes for a healthier lifestyle I'd leave before he keels over.

It is a terrible disease, and I don’t know what the answer is. I used to get so angry with his health care providers because they were always trying to encourage him and be positive. They would tell him he was doing well, or one small step at a time. DH saw a dietician who told him to make small changes and to just do his best. It’s wasn’t enough!! I wanted someone to be firm with him and tell him that what he was doing wasn’t good enough, and that he had to change.
Nobody seems to take diabetes seriously. When he was in hospital I was appalled at the food he was given. Seeing that food is the things that causes all the problems I thought that he would get support and given a healthy and balanced diet for a diabetic but it was terrible.
I always thought that Diabetes should be treated like a severe allergy to carbohydrates, and the patients need a lot more support than is available. I think they need some sort of therapy to help them understand their relationship with food and to help them make and sustain changes.

Type II diabetics is only a terrible disease to the extent that it is self inflicted. The remedy is in each persons hands but they need to put in the work and not expect it to be 'controlled' by drugs.

Type I and gestational quite different.

@Elisheva the contradictory response to diabetes across the NHS makes it hard to navigate. Very often you will start with support groups and appointments that will emphasise it’s a lifestyle disease and food and exercise can address it.

Then you will go into hospital and be offered carb on carb as a meal choice.

I attended a weight management course run over several weeks. One week someone would tell us to eat low fat, low carb, no fruit.
The next don’t eat low fat, eat more fruit, it’s potatoes and rice that kill you.

If you are already struggling to address it, this just keeps you frustrated.

Its not always self inflicted. Genes play a part. Especially for Asian and black people.

I was diagnosed with pre diabetes when I had a BMI of 22. I am 5'8. Reversed it with heavy exercise. My whole family is full of slim, non drinking, healthy eating diabetics.
The GP has now told me I need to get my BMI below 23, which at 53 is not easy.

Leave . Yes I know it’s not easy. But now is the easiest it will ever be.

It’s a progressive illness, he’s getting worse every day.

You need to get out now before there is a crisis, he becomes disabled and can’t work and you will be guilt tripped into staying.

You have saving, a pension and a reliable job, there is demand for child minders everywhere .

Sorry if it came across harshly 😔 but it really is life or death

How do you see this panning out as you get older? What happens when he retires? He will be sitting around the house with you all day? What happens if he becomes sick and you have to care for him.

How old are you (roughly?)

What about weight loss jabs for him?

17 cans?!!!

I’m 53 and I often think about how life will be in retirement if things carry on like this. I dread it. Re weight loss he’s not hugely overweight and he doesn’t eat excessively - it’s more the unhealthy choices and alcohol consumption, and although I know weight loss injections have do help curb unhealthy cravings for crap food and alcohol, it doesn’t look good for him maintaining healthy habits once off them.

Over Friday/Saturday/Sunday. I pointed this out to him yesterday and he said “well, that’s impressive” 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

@Lentilweaver

get my BMI below 23, which at 53 is not easy.

I'm sorry that you are struggling, Has your BMI increased since you reversed the type II diagnosis?

The low carb high fat way of eating has worked well for me, as described in https://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Science-Low-Carbohydrate-Performance/dp/09834907166*

Shocking lack of empathy for people with type 2 diabetes in this thread.

Diabetes drugs lower blood glucose, when you have low blood glucose your hunger and cravings for sweets go through the roof, it's not a normal hunger, it's your body telling you to cram as much sugar into your body as you can before you die.

Motivation is hard for people who have a chronic health problem and who are judged and criticised by self appointed experts. Health professionals tell them to avoid fat (which is satiating) and to eat fruit which is sugary and can't be metabolised properly by a type 2 diabetic. Unfortunately low blood glucose makes people hungry and high blood glucose also makes them hungry and extremely thirsty. 17 cans of sugary liquid might be alcoholism, or it might be high blood glucose.

A continuous glucose monitor is invaluable that would actually be useful if he can get one.

Question: if someone followed you around judging your diet and telling you you were going to suffer and die horribly, would that motivate you to do anything other than withdraw and find comfort where you can?

Written by a type 1 diabetic of over 30 years (who doesn't consider herself superior to a type 2 diabetic). Also I have all my limbs and toes, excellent vision and no kidney disease. Sorry to not fit the dying horribly within a few years narrative!!

@Over40Overdating

Then you will go into hospital and be offered carb on carb as a meal choice.

I agree, IME the food choices offered in hospitals, especially in the diabetic wards an absolute disgrace. Hot drinks offered several times a day, alongside the question 'how many sugars' and a choice of biscuits.

Menus with No low carb options at all. Really not helpful.

Diabetes drugs lower blood glucose, when you have low blood glucose your hunger and cravings for sweets go through the roof

Which is exactly why the solution is a way of eating based on high fat and low carb is so effective.

It's a cruelty to not encourage people to adopt it.

If you own half the house, does he leave his half to you or to his daughter ?
You need to get this sorted or you will have to sell up anyway, either in a divorce or when she wants her money.

I'd leave, I am not looking after anyone who does not look after himself

Yep sod him, if he doesn't want to help himself then don't help him either, move on and have a good life, 17 cans over a weekend is absolute ridiculous!

So many issues all mixed up.

First uncontrolled diabetes can wreak havoc on MH so it’s not surprising that he isn’t proactive.
But then it’s also totally true that HE needs to take control of his iwn health. He’d actually be a great candidate for Mounjaro (esp if he is also overweight). He could probably have it on the NHS (due to diabetes, etc etc)

Then there is his alcohol consumption…. Which isn’t great.

And then just his general attitude…..