Found awful messages from older boy on DD(14)’s phone – WWYD?

[nadejdad]

NC for this as I feel sick even typing it. I went through DD’s phone last night (yes, I check now and then – not up for debate) and found messages from a 16/17yo boy that made my blood run cold. He’s been messaging her for months, and the way he speaks to her is beyond concerning.

He tells her who she can and can’t talk to, constantly accuses her of not caring about him enough, makes out that she’s always in the wrong, and when she tries to stand up for herself, he twists it back on her. Some of the things he’s said are outright nasty – calling her stupid, saying she’s lucky he puts up with her, implying that if she really loved him, she’d “prove it” (you can imagine what that means). When she doesn’t reply fast enough, he bombards her with messages saying she’s ignoring him and making him feel awful. It’s all classic coercive control, isn’t it?

I am absolutely raging but also scared. DD is a good kid, but she’s young and naïve. I don’t think she fully realises how toxic this is. I don’t know whether to go straight to her or try to gather more evidence first. And do I contact his parents? School? Police?? I just want to protect her, but I don’t want to push her further towards him either.

WWYD in this situation? Any advice from anyone who’s been through similar? Feeling sick.

Does she know you look at her phone? If so, she may be glad you found the messages, it's possible she isn't happy about the situation. Do you know who the boy is, is he at her school?

If she knows you look at her phone, ask her who he is, how does she know him.
Ask her how she finds his behaviour.

Ultimately, he should be blocked. Today.

I would probably try to find out why she puts up with it . It depends how close you are to your dd.

The school might cover this in life skills. Ask them if they do and what the advice is.

If he's having sex with her or asking her to share intimate photos of herself, or sharing indecent images of himself with her then go straight to the police.

If it's "only" controlling and negging then I think you need to talk openly and honestly but also gently with your dd about your concerns.

I would be tempted to tell him straight that to back off but I'm not sure that would be the wisest thing to do.

Are they at school together?

These are two children at the end of the day. Get copies of all the child’s text messages and send them to his parents and let them know if he contacts her again in any capacity then you will report him for harassment. Have a heart to heart with your daughter about how you can work together to achieve the best outcome for you both, with the non-negotiable being that this other child is no longer part of her life.

Does he go to her school? If so, absolutely I would contact the school. They can deal with his parents.

I would also pop into a police station and show the duty officer the messages and get advice. They might not be able to do anything but hopefully when you make it known to the boy and his parents you have made police aware, that will stop him in his tracks.

She’s 14. I had access to all my kids’ phones at that age and I make no apology for it. On two occasions I had to follow up with parents of a boy.

If you can download and print them off, go to his home and sit down with his parents and talk it through. Explain, if they're not horrified, how and why it's wrong and possibly criminal to treat your daughter in this way.
And why not drop in to the police and show them too.
I hope this resolves well for your daughter and you. He is an arsehole who should be outed and shamed.

Yes, she knows I check her phone occasionally, though I don’t think she realises how much I actually see. I’m not sure how she’ll react – part of me hopes she’ll be relieved, but I also worry she’ll be defensive or try to downplay it.

I do know who he is. He’s not at her school, he’s in sixth form at a different one nearby. No idea how they met, but from the messages, it sounds like he’s been love-bombing her for ages. I don’t think this is just a normal teenage relationship – the way he speaks to her is really unsettling. I’m torn between confronting her straight away and trying to gather more info first. I don’t want to push her further into his grip, but I also can’t sit back and do nothing.

Copy all the messages. Contact his school, contact his parents via school and block his number. Then speak with your child.
I would also go to police and log this behaviour in case he tries to carry on contacting her.
Your only duty is to protect her from this shit bag.

If they are in the same school, i would also take to.the school.
Womens aid have a website about healthy relationships https://loverespect.co.uk/ for young people and your local council may also have services for young people.

Download/save/copy/screenshot everything, however you can do it. Email everything to the safeguarding lead at the school. Going to the parents is unlikely to end well. Keep all the evidence for the police.

I check both kids phones - even the 15 year old. It’s a non-negotiable condition of having them.

I had similar with my DD but she (and he) were only 12. He was being very sweet then turning on her and getting very nasty for ridiculous reasons, accusing her of ‘cheating’ on him constantly, going through her phone and blocking people he said she wasn’t allowed to talk to. If he found out she had been speaking to someone she was banned from speaking to he’d throw her phone and try break it etc.

Myself and the school got involved. They broke up (thankfully, she recognised his behaviour was fucked up) and he spent a week or two trying to bully her but it all died down and he moved onto the next victim.

Scary thing is, a whole lot of the boys in her year, above and below, seem to be treating a lot of the girls like this.

Hope you get it sorted OP, it’s scary out there for girls.

I think 'confronting' is the wrong approach. Ask to talk to her, and do it with kindness. As she knows you check her phone, be upfront and say you've seen the messages and you're worried for her. Explain that this is red flag behaviour. Ask her how it makes her feel.

I agree, the first thing you should do is take copies of the messages. She hasn't deleted them, despite knowing you might read them, which tells you she is either so confused she thinks this is normal, or she's hoping you'll help her. She must feel she's in so deep and doesn't have any control. It's similar to being in a cult - you really need to take action, but expect resistance. My daughter was going out with an awful boy when she was in her teens and when her dad and I insisted it ended, she was relieved, I could tell. She was able to tell the boy that we'd told her she had to do it, so she didn't have to end it herself. (It was only when I got her dad involved - we were divorced - that she - and he - actually ended it. My word alone wasn't enough.)

Good idea about copying the messages – I’ll do that now. I hadn’t thought about contacting his school, but that makes sense. I don’t know his parents, so going through the school might be the best way to get it taken seriously.

Blocking him is a no-brainer, but I’m worried he’ll find another way to contact her, or that she’ll unblock him herself if she’s still under his spell. That’s why I feel like I need to tread carefully when I speak to her – I don’t want to push her straight back to him.

Police is something I’m seriously considering. I don’t know if they’d actually do anything, but even just having it logged could be useful if he doesn’t back off.

I just feel so sick about all of this. She’s only 14. I hate that she’s been dealing with this on her own.

I'm not sure what I'd do is the correct way of handling it, but I'd speak to her straight away, explain his behaviour is unacceptable and block him from her phone. The longer it carries on, the stronger a hold he will have on her.

This.

Don't contact his parents, or him.

Record everything, report to the schools and police. Make it clear this is a safeguarding issue.

I would sit down with your DD and explain what you have done and why. Acknowledge she may not agree with you, but your intention is to keep her safe. Other adults - experts - are looking at the situation, and if you are wrong they will tell you that. For tonight I would confiscate her phone and not let her go.out.

Send her to school as usual tomorrow.

In the next few days you need a safety plan. Contact the school's designated safeguarding lead first thing tomorrow, and get advice. Ask them to meet with your DD as a matter of urgency to get an independent view of her thoughts and feelings, and then feedback their advice to you about your actions including access to her phone .

There’s a coercive control relationship storyline on Waterloo Rd atm. (both in Y 12/13) It might help to watch this together and chat. In addition to following the advice suggested re contacting school and the Police.

I think maybe the key thing is to have a very serious chat with her about relationships and coercive control and what that looks like. Explain the love bombing, the emotional blackmail, all of it. She needs to understand that she can do a lot better than this.

I also think you need to frame any conversation about the boy as ‘The way he treats you and speaks to you is abusive and controlling and manipulative’ rather than ‘He’s too old for you and this is all too grown-up and you shouldn’t be having sex’. Otherwise, to her it will look like you just don’t want her to have a boyfriend. My mum once said to my sister ‘We don’t care who you bring home, what they look like, what they speak like, what they want to do with their life, whether they’re at school or college or what year they’re in or anything else - but we will not accept anyone who treats you badly.’ And I think that’s a good message.

OP - parents SHOULD be checking their children's phones. Take no notice of anyone telling you you're wrong to do this.

Also please consider a Claire’s law disclosure for your daughter - if he is like this with her chances are other people have been victim of him as well in terms of domestic abuse. Contact the local police force via 101 or online chat and request one

Could you first have a more general chat with her about controlling behaviour etc and what it might look like and ask if she's ever had any concerns?

So, I’d highly recommend she follows Lalalaletmeexplain on Instagram. The content is, and can be quite adult, but your daughter is in that stage of life where she is experiencing adult situations and would benefit from perspective. Perhaps seeing some of the content and scenarios other people experience, and the responses / advice / guidance might empower her to see her own position differently.

That said, this boy is 17, controlling and your daughter is still very much a child at 14. He has sought her out for a reason, and it’s not her personality. This boy could have any girl his own age but he wants someone he can control. I think as her parent you do need to intervene here - but I have no advice on how.

I would be removing the phone entirely for a few weeks.

I would also be explaining to her about abusers and their behaviour that hooks in women then stops them from leaving.

I would also be contacting him and telling him on no uncertain terms he is never to contact your daughter again or the police will be involved due to her age.

I would also speak to the school.

It’s disturbing that they start so young following the pattern of abusive behaviour. How do they know ? Is it learned from a parental figure ?

I do know of someone about 19 who abused his gf and it was absolutely learned behaviour from his father. Carbon copy of how he treated the mother.

Contact women’s aid for support. Speak to your dd and tell her you have seen the messages and that he is a bad man to have in her life.

how this isn’t a healthy relationship and WILL ONLY GET WORSE. She is at risk, fuck YOU are at risk too if you have seen the crossbow murders? You have all the evidence you need.

I wouldn’t contact his school for now, just focus on her, her safety, tell her school. Change her tel number and get her to change all socials and emails and block him on everything

keep the police and his school etc in your back pocket for now and see what woman’s aid advises.

they can speak to her on speakerphone with you (or without) if that helps her see that her relationship is toxic and dangerous

this ends today.