Found awful messages from older boy on DD(14)’s phone – WWYD?

[nadejdad]

NC for this as I feel sick even typing it. I went through DD’s phone last night (yes, I check now and then – not up for debate) and found messages from a 16/17yo boy that made my blood run cold. He’s been messaging her for months, and the way he speaks to her is beyond concerning.

He tells her who she can and can’t talk to, constantly accuses her of not caring about him enough, makes out that she’s always in the wrong, and when she tries to stand up for herself, he twists it back on her. Some of the things he’s said are outright nasty – calling her stupid, saying she’s lucky he puts up with her, implying that if she really loved him, she’d “prove it” (you can imagine what that means). When she doesn’t reply fast enough, he bombards her with messages saying she’s ignoring him and making him feel awful. It’s all classic coercive control, isn’t it?

I am absolutely raging but also scared. DD is a good kid, but she’s young and naïve. I don’t think she fully realises how toxic this is. I don’t know whether to go straight to her or try to gather more evidence first. And do I contact his parents? School? Police?? I just want to protect her, but I don’t want to push her further towards him either.

WWYD in this situation? Any advice from anyone who’s been through similar? Feeling sick.

From a mum who has dealt with a grooming situation with our DD (met via friends of friends on Snapchat) you need to copy all messages, and contact the police. Explain to her she's not in trouble but she needs to be honest. Chances are she's not the only one. And yes they love bomb and then threaten and control. She needs to block him on all SM and if he contacts her via other accounts, she needs to screenshot/record. And she's probably sent pics. It's unfortunately horribly normal. Feel free to PM. In our case the police knew of him, for other cases, but the evidence that she had was enough for immediate arrest and he's finally pled guilty. Thanks to DD they found a lot of other girls too.

It happens so so often, with a lot of young men and boys thinking it's ok thanks to Andrew Tate and pornography

I would copy the msg and probably go to the police and school.
She is only 14. You don't actually know what they have done yet. And his behaviour is obviously very worrying.
Maybe a scary visit from the police will make him change his ways.
But no matter what you need to stop them having contact. She is 14 and you are the one in charge.
Maybe get her some therapy or anything else you can find to help build her confidence and help prevent her being in an abusive relationship again

"Blocking him is a no-brainer, but I’m worried he’ll find another way to contact her, or that she’ll unblock him herself if she’s still under his spell. That’s why I feel like I need to tread carefully when I speak to her – I don’t want to push her straight back to him."

Well, for one thing, you could remove her phone. Clearly if this has been going on for months and she hasn't sought help, she's too immature for a smartphone.

Second I would consider finding a therapist for her.

As a mum of a son, I’d want to know if my son was behaving like this.

I checked DS’s phone up until he was about 15. I’d have been horrified to find him messaging a girl in this manner.

Having said that I can’t imagine any boy messaging like this has had a ‘normal’ relationship modelled to him by his parents, there’s probably major issues at home.

This is what I was thinking. He may think that it's totally normal to be like this if it's all he has witnessed.

Good on you for checking your daughter's phone and I hope that both kids get the help and support they need.

She knows you check her phone and she left her phone somewhere that you could check it. I would approach this chat with her by believing that she wants you to know about him and likely wants your help.

As I've said on a previous comment, we don't know for certain that the boyfriend is as young as he claims.

In the situation that I mentioned upthread, the predator contacted my pupils via Snapchat in the first instance. If I had my way, I'd ban that app.

Only yesterday, I found out that a youngish teacher round our way has been found guilty of inappropriate behaviour towards pupils and former pupils. Apparently, he used Snapchat.

I don't agree with the other comments at all. You can't restrain every single boy in the world who is after sex or isn't very nice. You just need to help your daughter to realise that she deserves much better than this, and have enough respect for herself to never let it happen again.
I remember being 14 and thought I was really grown up, but I also had the impression that drama and fighting between lovers was sort of romantic, based on the movies I watched and music I listened to.
Your daughter probably doesn't understand the implications of any of this at all. Please take her phone away and talk her through it all. Does she have another older female she can talk to? An aunt or one of your best friends? It is really good to have a sensible adult input without being embarrassed to talk to her mum.

I really hope she is relieved and can open up to you. She probably wanted to be discovered, she may even have let this happen to get your attention or for a bit of drama or excitement. Does she have other hobbies? Can you try and spend a bit more time doing activities with her and focusing things she's interested in? Art classes or sports clubs? I think I spent my teens trying to impress boys because I was bored. My kids have so many activities to do now and it really gives them a high self esteem .

Defo another vote for calling the police today and the school tomorrow morning. Take your daughter’s phone off her completely for now. She will live.

Your poor daughter will need therapy so I would get her that asap. Sod the cost she will need a professional right away.

this post is genuinely horrifying to read. I hope it’s bait.

Don't you dare victim-blame.

What utter rubbish.

She's a14 year old child, not a university student.

I would talk to DD before doing anything, but not allowing her to dissuade you of anything. 'I have seen these messages and this boy is abusing you, his behaviour to you is unacceptable, I am going to block him now'.

Personally, I wouldn't go to the police unless there were signs of demanding or exchanging nude pictures or anything else illegal. I don't think it achieves anything and DD could find it alienatingly embarassing, which matters because it could lead to her to hiding things from you in future in case you 'overreact'.

I'm not blaming her at all. Perhaps you have never met a teenager. If you embarrass her then she might just hide it better in future. It would be better to convince her that this relationship is not acceptable, and to block him / report him herself.

OH darling what an awful situation. I can understand how you must feel.

Firstly I think that you need to tread carefully in order to keep your daughter on board. She's obviously got herself into an abusive & controlling relationship & probably considers herself to be in love with this boy. I suggest that you talk to her in a very calm and loving way. I also suggest that he is blocked on her phone & all social media accounts.

I wouldn't warn him that you are taking action by contacting school or parents as this could put her and/or you at risk.

As PP have suggested, I suggest that you urgently make an appointment with your local police, take the copies of the messages with you & get their support & ask their advice - I am sure that they will take this very seriously. At the end of the day the 'you would if you loved me' message is clearly him pressurising her into sex - he's 17 & she, at 14, is underage. Pressurising a child into sexual activity is a crime.

Good luck. Sending you hugs. 😘

Don't even think of contacting his parents. Go to the school and tell them you've got copies of the messages, you know his phone number (make sure you keep a record of that) and that you are planning to contact the police. It's too serious to hope that his parents have any influence on him. This has gone on far too long - it needs to be acted on immediately and I doubt very much his parents are the people to handle him.

Can you have a 'car chat' where neither of you has to look at each other (beyond a quick glance) so it's easier to talk?

Yes, you could storm in, but that won't protect her in future, she needs to come to this herself - so she can see the patterns if it happens again.

I've been prepping my 2 age appropriately about this kind of thing for a while, because they're also a bit sheltered and naive, and I need them to understand how manipulative people can be - especially ones who initially say they're your friend and try to stop them talking to people about it, and how it's always fine to step away, and how they can always tell me and we'll figure out what to do next together (but that I always reserve the right to protect them in the way I see fit if I judge it to be serious enough - and the eldest has experienced that - and was grateful for it)

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Do you live with your daughter's father, OP? If not, will he back you up on this?

Definitely designated safeguarding lead (DSL) at school and I'd say police too. If you google the school name + DSL you'll find out who to contact-- I'd be in to speak to them first thing tomorrow for advice.

Does this older boy go to the same school? If not, if you know where he goes then make contact with their DSL too.

And, as I say, I would 100% be going to the police too.

I agree go to his school. Someone needs to talk to him about coercive behaviour.

I'd go to the police before the school.

This is a serious matter and potential crime.

I agree. The person in question was early 20s, but could have easily been older. But she started talking to him because they had mutual friends, who were probably also being groomed. I hate that app with a passion too.

I don't think that taking a phone away is the answer. We should not be punishing girls for being targeted. The police and social workers have been amazing, this man was really nasty and she was terrified. She was threatened with violence and rape, as were we. Thankfully we have a relationship that she can talk to us. Punishing her would have ruined that. But we've been told by the team that she's been very mature and sensible her dealing of the situation, so we are very proud. The awful thing is that had we not encouraged her to go to police and supported her he would still be doing it to others. And as we've since found out, worse stuff

My DSD has 2 little girls aged nearly 11 and nine. She won't allow them to have phones & is very careful about what they have access to on-line. GD will have a basic phone when she goes to high school, but no infiltered access to the internet or social media. Apparently homework from the high school needs a smartphone. DSD has said that's fine - they can send it to her phone & she will pass it on and pass it onto their computer or otherwise supervise it. She's determined that our lovely GDs will not have a smartphone until they are 16, but is also aware that she is swimming against the tide. Both DSD & me work with the most vulnerable people in society (including young people) and have seen first hand the damage that can be done.

Screenshot all the messages.

Contact the safeguarding team at his school.

If he's doing this to your daughter, he's doing it to other young women and likely so is his friendship group.

The gabby petito documentary that just come on on netflix might be a good way to start a conversation about it.