Found awful messages from older boy on DD(14)’s phone – WWYD?

[nadejdad]

NC for this as I feel sick even typing it. I went through DD’s phone last night (yes, I check now and then – not up for debate) and found messages from a 16/17yo boy that made my blood run cold. He’s been messaging her for months, and the way he speaks to her is beyond concerning.

He tells her who she can and can’t talk to, constantly accuses her of not caring about him enough, makes out that she’s always in the wrong, and when she tries to stand up for herself, he twists it back on her. Some of the things he’s said are outright nasty – calling her stupid, saying she’s lucky he puts up with her, implying that if she really loved him, she’d “prove it” (you can imagine what that means). When she doesn’t reply fast enough, he bombards her with messages saying she’s ignoring him and making him feel awful. It’s all classic coercive control, isn’t it?

I am absolutely raging but also scared. DD is a good kid, but she’s young and naïve. I don’t think she fully realises how toxic this is. I don’t know whether to go straight to her or try to gather more evidence first. And do I contact his parents? School? Police?? I just want to protect her, but I don’t want to push her further towards him either.

WWYD in this situation? Any advice from anyone who’s been through similar? Feeling sick.

do you watch telly together? The newest series of Waterloo Road has a coercive relationship as the central story line. Could be worth giving it a watch together to prompt the conversations.

Totally agree with @Arrivals4lucky Zero tolerance on this as she is too young to understand the implications or handle it herself.

He needs to know his behaviour is completely unacceptable and hopefully he won’t go on to harass other (underage) girls.

I don’t know whether this is good or bad advice, but I would record a video call to him, and when he answers I would absolutely tear strips off him.

A couple of screenshots back to him of him being abusive and then tell him to never message her, never call her, never speak to her unless he’s ready to have it all blow up in his abusive face.

That’s a really good idea, thank you. I don’t know if she’d sit and watch it with me, but I could have it on and see if she engages. Sometimes it’s easier for teens to recognise things in other people’s situations than their own.

I’m definitely going to contact the school and seriously considering the police too. Just need to handle it carefully so she doesn’t shut down completely. I hate that this is even happening – she’s only 14 and should be worrying about school and friends, not some controlling little shit who’s messing with her head.

From my experience as both a secondary school pupil in the last century and as a secondary school teacher, I'm always wary of situations where the boy in a school relationship is two years older than the girl. Two years is quite a gap at that age and - as with adults where there's a substantial age gap - grooming and coercive control is often involved.

I recall one lad at my school in the '70s who was in a perfectly normal (I think) relationship with his girlfriend in fifth year at our Scottish secondary school. His girlfriend left for uni at the end of fifth yr (common in those days).

In sixth yr, he started going out with a 4th yr. Then we noticed the bruises. We tried to encourage her to break up with him, but she wouldn't. I often wonder what became of her.

Could you watch a documentary or something similar together as a way in? There will be lots on Tou Tube x

That's worrying OP. That's how people behave who go on to commit crimes against girls. I'd consider logging with the police in case telling him to stop doesn't work.

OP, with respect, don't just consider it. Do it! Coercive control is a crime and your daughter is also extra vulnerable with her being underage. You need to safeguard her then deal with th fall out later.

Contact the police. At best he's grooming her and attempting to have sex with a child, which is obviously a very serious offence. Talk to her about the messages to explain why his behaviour is inappropriate. An uncomfortable conversation is the best outcome from this situation, better for her to learn through this experience than learn through a more serious one.

Others have given great advice already. One thing I'd add is that your DD school should contact you immediately if she doesn't turn up for a lesson in case she's slipped out of school.
Can you track her on her phone/air tag etc? Not ideal but perhaps necessary?

The 'relationship' ends today - I think you need to make that clear to your daughter. This isn't a situation where she gets to choose how to handle it. As well as blocking him, I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he cannot contact your daughter again. You should seriously consider contacting the police, his parents / school too as I doubt very much that this is the first time he has displayed this behaviour.

I would do it all- contact his parents, the police and her school and his. And I would give her a firm talk about how wrong this is. She is also a child so what is she doing with boyfriends etc. tell her this is a good example of why she shouldn't be having relationships now as she is far too young to know what's right and wrong. I would make this a very big thing so that she too gets the message how wrong this situation is and she stays out of relationships for a long time.

This 100%

Yes, do it.

They have the expertise. Bring in school, police, and follow their advice. If that includes a referral to Social Services for support, accept it and don't feel that it reflects on you.

As a responsible parent you are doing what you need to do to keep your child safe. There are people out there with relevant expertise.

If she was diagnosed with a medical condition you would follow professional advice.

Screenshot and keep all the messages. Send them to safeguarding leads at his college and her school (cc them both in). Tell him he’s breaking the law by pursuing her when she’s underage and to leave her alone or you’ll call the police. Block him on her phone and tell her that’s what you’ve done.

I'd be going to go the school, safeguarding and blocking him.in her phone, and all other platforms. This is actually really frightening. She's 14. Has she told you about him all?

Leics Police made a film - Kayleigh’s Love Story. It’s beyond sobering and ended in Kayleigh’s rape and murder.
Please watch it and get your dd to watch it too. Look online, it’s readily available. It is a true event of a girl love bombed, innocent and naive.
Sorry if this is upsetting. It’s been shown in lots of schools and should be shown in every school.

The this is abuse series of adverts on YouTube could also be helpful. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zOLAelTPs6c

My daughters are in their 50s now, so the situation doesn’t apply to me. However, I have been thinking about this and I would certainly have wanted access to my child’s phone if it had been a thing then. Back then, things weren’t so bad for teens, but now, it’s a scary world and I for one, applaud any parent who does whatever they feel they need to do to keep their child safe.
I would be terrified to be a parent of a teenager nowadays.

Not romantic in nature but in middle school my DD was friends with a girl that was just a bully. I don’t know what was going on in her life but I honestly have never seen a young girl so aggressive - I still think about her sometimes. It was just a lot for her age.

I saw their messages on FB (my DD had a small, private account that I checked often so she could stay in touch with family), blocked her, contacted her mother and the teachers and explained why I didn’t want them being friends. She tried a couple times but then finally got the hint.

Print the conversation (more than one copy).
Sit down with your dd and explain/out line all the red flags; the love bombing sections, gaslighting sections, demeaning sections and pressure tactics.
While exploring how she feels and what she thinks explain how and why the “relationship” and even communications are unhealthy short term and long term.
Ask her if she has the strength and support to block and stay away from him? Meanwhile assist her with blocking him, set up outings and keep her busy for the next few weeks.
Get some relationship books appropriate for her age.

No way. Let the authorities deal with this.

OP, you need to go to the police. I've been thinking about it and you don't even know for certain that the "boy" is only 16 or 17.

About 10 yrs ago, two girls in my S2/Y9 class started talking about messages that they were getting from their 11 yr old friend. They'd never met him.

I pointed out that they couldn't know that their "friend" was only 11. "Oh, but he his."

Then one said: "He's sent us pictures. Do you want to see?" (I assume that she was worried and wanted a grown-up to know.)

It was an erect adult member. I phoned my depute - our Child Protection Officer - and he contacted the police.

Firstly before you do anything, copy the messages, take photos before she or he deletes them.

Definitely contact both schools, your DDs to explain what she has been going through so form or head of year and his school via whoever is their DSL (designated safeguarding lead) with copies of the messages. Schools have training in safeguarding, contacts within the police and social services plus other bodies who help and advise.

For your DD, she needs to know that this is not okay and that this is not a healthy relationship. Is her Dad around? I am assuming no one controls your life and so this hopefully isn't something she sees as a relationship model. She will probably be against any school contact but as someone who has been trained in safeguarding albeit primary schools, this is out of her hands and rightly so.

Is this illegal given the age gap? He needs to be treated as a sex offender.