Found awful messages from older boy on DD(14)’s phone – WWYD?

[nadejdad]

NC for this as I feel sick even typing it. I went through DD’s phone last night (yes, I check now and then – not up for debate) and found messages from a 16/17yo boy that made my blood run cold. He’s been messaging her for months, and the way he speaks to her is beyond concerning.

He tells her who she can and can’t talk to, constantly accuses her of not caring about him enough, makes out that she’s always in the wrong, and when she tries to stand up for herself, he twists it back on her. Some of the things he’s said are outright nasty – calling her stupid, saying she’s lucky he puts up with her, implying that if she really loved him, she’d “prove it” (you can imagine what that means). When she doesn’t reply fast enough, he bombards her with messages saying she’s ignoring him and making him feel awful. It’s all classic coercive control, isn’t it?

I am absolutely raging but also scared. DD is a good kid, but she’s young and naïve. I don’t think she fully realises how toxic this is. I don’t know whether to go straight to her or try to gather more evidence first. And do I contact his parents? School? Police?? I just want to protect her, but I don’t want to push her further towards him either.

WWYD in this situation? Any advice from anyone who’s been through similar? Feeling sick.

Have a conversation with her school. They can support her, provide advice, will have links to others who can help. Many of our safeguarding issues in school are from home online and phone issues.
School may know if anyone else is in the same position, if this a larger issue, and get support specific to her needs from someone who can ask the right questions and direct her to the right support. School can involve the police if needed.

Do you have any reason to believe there is a physical relationship going on? Do they see each other in person or is this all happening on the phone.

I find it deeply concerning but obviously I’d be very concerned about time they spend together as well.

Firstly well done for checking.

He is going to knock her confidence to an all time low if this continues. What a pig.

If he is in her school I would contact them. If that is not an option I would contact his parents.

I would block him on your daughter's phone and worse case change her number.

Best wishes

This has to be stamped on. She needs to see you do it.

She is 14, an underage child.

He is 16-18, above age of consent, potentially legally an adult man threatening a child.

And this is coercive control in action.

CC has been a crime since 2015.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-46347957

Screenshot everything. Copies, prints.

Block him everywhere.

Don't approach the parents, or this boy, yourself.

There's the outside possibility that abuse is happening to or around him at home, and you don't want to get involved with that.

You also don't know how he and his family might react if you confront them.

This is a crime.

Go straight to the police; the professionals.

Copy the school in the mix as a courtesy, yes, but police first. If the school criticise you for not coming to them first, remind them they've failed in their safeguarding duty.

Certainly go to the school and the police, but the main thing is you need to talk to your daughter about coercive control and healthy relationships.

The videos made by Dr Ramani about narcissists will be relevant I think. Perhaps watch them together. She's a very good communicator .

This YouTube video is one specifically about coercive control but it would be worth looking up narcissism, co dependence and setting boundaries and discussing them with your daughter. You also need to talk to her about what healthy relationships look like, and ask her to talk to you about what she thinks is happening here..

I think the main thing to remember is that going nuclear on her and banning it is likely to backfire. You need to help her to understand this boys attention is abuse, not flattery, and give her the defences she needs to protect herself from it in future.

He's grooming her. He's trying to get her to do whatever he says. He's manipulating her. He is coercing her.

Call the police. I'm not a pearl clutcher but yes crossed several lines. It needs to go on record. Don't let his parents or anybody else talk you down from it, report report report.

Keep her phone for now and talk to her about it tomorrow. Take screenshots and download logs of all the messages.

Ask her how she knows him. Make sure she can avoid him and isn't in any situations where he might crop up.

He's a creep, with the privilege of not yet being 18. Keep her well away from him.

Has she actually met this lad in person? How did she meet him? Its all very well saying, speak to his school, but he might not actually be a 17 year old boy at another 6th form. Predators have been known to tell lies. Talk to DD, tell her she absolutely isn't in trouble, but you aren't going to accept someone treating her like that, she is worth more than this. Then go to the police.

Do they meet up? I’d be concerned he’s physically coercing her too. I wouldn’t do it, but man I’d so want to go and twat the little prick. Echoing everyone, dsls at both schools, police.

This is proper parenting.

A friend of mine had a similar situation with her daughter and a boy from school but less serious and the kids were the same age, she contacted the police who took it very seriously and went to visit the boy and his parents. It would be good to contact them as they would prefer to nip this in the bud than let it escalate to an even more serious situation. Protect your daughter now and then work on her recognising this behavior in future.

Thank you so much to everyone who’s replied – I really appreciate it. I’ve spent the last hour going through the messages properly and screenshotting everything. Seeing it all laid out has made me feel even worse. It’s not just the controlling stuff – there are definite sexual undertones too, with him pushing boundaries and making her feel guilty when she doesn’t go along with it. It’s absolutely grim.

I’ve spoken to DD. She was defensive at first, saying I was overreacting and that he’s just “like that” when he’s in a mood, but when I pointed out some of the things he’d said, she got quiet. I think she knows deep down it’s not normal, but she’s in too deep to fully admit it yet. She promised me she hasn’t met up with him in person (though who knows if that’s true), but I’ve told her straight that this is not OK, that he’s manipulating her, and that I won’t sit back and let it continue.

For now, I’ve blocked him on everything, but I know there’s a risk she’ll find a way to contact him again. I’ve also emailed his school with the screenshots. Haven’t gone to the police yet, but I’m leaning towards it.

She’s upset, but I think a part of her is relieved too. She even admitted she’s been feeling anxious about him lately. I just need to keep her close now and make sure she doesn’t get drawn back in. Feeling absolutely wrung out.

You’re absolutely doing the right thing

this isn’t even a real relationship? She’s not met him? Wow. In some ways that is good news. I hope he doesn’t know where she lives.

warning the school is a good idea, they may act on it though, but that’s on him.

he is a revolting creep of a guy.

Yes I definitely think you should log it with the police. They might not do anything but if anyone in future does a Claires law check on him it might save them the hassle of having a relationship with a sexually coercive man.

Ok...If she's not met him in person it's very possible that he's not a senior schoolboy. This really is a police matter.

I am so sorry. This is so rough for both of you but you sound like you’re on the right track with her. I’m just furious on your behalf. I have a son that age and I would be apoplectic. There’s no excuse for it. I also have a daughter your age and I can imagine how upset she’d be. Not to be dramatic but make sure she has a plan IF this boy turns up at the school gates or wherever she is. If he’s that controlling- he may push further before letting go. Make sure her phone isn’t being tracked either on snapchat or anything.

Having said that I can’t imagine any boy messaging like this has had a ‘normal’ relationship modelled to him by his parents, there’s probably major issues at home.

I agree. and ridiculous the amount of posters telling OP to contact his parents about this. And like she said, she doesn't know them.

Safeguarding person at school is the best course of action because they will know how to deal with it/who to contact.

OP, I've already said above that an adult male posing as an 11 yr old groomed two of my junior pupils.

During an inservice at my old school, the local police gave us a presentation about online grooming. One example was the Welsh schoolboy who thought that he was exchanging messages with a girl his own age. When he went to meet her, "she" was a middle-aged man.

Your DD is most likely besotted. You need to be very careful how you handle this not to push her more towards him.

Well done Op, your DD's too young to understand all the implications of this boy's messages or to see his manipulations. You've done the very best thing for her by highlighting how wrong his messages are and by not letting her go through this alone. If the school or his DPs will intervene then fine, if not I'd absolutely take this to the police, he may only be 16 but he sounds quite dangerous already

Agree with others.

GO TO THE POLICE. This is coercive control. That’s just the text messages. He may have forced her to do things, sexually abused her etc. The police are the ones that need to investigate.

Well done you! You've done the right thing here.

As I said before, your poor DD is under the influence of someone who she probably believes is in love with her & who she loves. She needs to know that you've got her back & will catch her if she falls and you've done that. I would urge you to contact the police as OPs have said, he may be an older man & things may escalate.

Once she's gone to bed you have earned yourself a small amount of whatever your favourite tipple is - a glass of wine, a hot chocolate whatever.

Remember your MN friends are here to support you - there is usually someone on line at all times of night.

Take care Hun. 😘

This jumped out at me too. Unless they have friends in common who have confirmed he is who he says he is, he could be anyone.
I would log with the police.

It's a great first step, and she's talking to you which is brilliant. I would still contact police, they will have specially trained officers she can talk to. Does she have any positive male role models around her? It helps build up positive viewpoints. Also I would be wary about him coming onto or near school grounds.

That’s a really good point. I was thinking about it purely in terms of protecting DD, but if he’s doing this to her at 16/17, he’s probably done it before and will do it again. If reporting it now means there’s a record of his behaviour, it could help someone else down the line.

I think I’ll call 101 tomorrow and see what they say. Even if they can’t act on it now, at least it’ll be logged. I just want to do everything I can to make sure he can’t keep getting away with this.

Go to the police with the information, she is a child and they need the information regarding potential predatory behaviour from this boy. He could be doing this to multiple girls.