Found awful messages from older boy on DD(14)’s phone – WWYD?

[nadejdad]

NC for this as I feel sick even typing it. I went through DD’s phone last night (yes, I check now and then – not up for debate) and found messages from a 16/17yo boy that made my blood run cold. He’s been messaging her for months, and the way he speaks to her is beyond concerning.

He tells her who she can and can’t talk to, constantly accuses her of not caring about him enough, makes out that she’s always in the wrong, and when she tries to stand up for herself, he twists it back on her. Some of the things he’s said are outright nasty – calling her stupid, saying she’s lucky he puts up with her, implying that if she really loved him, she’d “prove it” (you can imagine what that means). When she doesn’t reply fast enough, he bombards her with messages saying she’s ignoring him and making him feel awful. It’s all classic coercive control, isn’t it?

I am absolutely raging but also scared. DD is a good kid, but she’s young and naïve. I don’t think she fully realises how toxic this is. I don’t know whether to go straight to her or try to gather more evidence first. And do I contact his parents? School? Police?? I just want to protect her, but I don’t want to push her further towards him either.

WWYD in this situation? Any advice from anyone who’s been through similar? Feeling sick.

How have the school failed? Extremely confused by that comment.. this isn't anything to do with school.

Go to the police immediately this is all too similar of the little 15 year old girl killed by her obsessive ex boyfriend

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/articles/cy0l90lvl0qo.amp

Well done for speaking to her about this. I’d now use this opportunity to go in with the education. I’d recommend working through this website together and it’s a good idea to watch telly together that’s relevant. You could try I am Nicola and the kidnapping of angel lynn if you feel they’re developmentally appropriate for where your daughter is at.

https://loverespect.co.uk/advice/advice-14-17/

I’d also definitely consider reporting him. This boy is a predator and she won’t be the only one.

It sounds like he is trying to coerce her to having sex - the comment " prove she loves him" She is underage - I would definitely speak to the police and the school. As others have suggested screen shot all the messages. Hope you resolve this. It must be such a worry.

Absolutely agree. In cases like this (where you're dealing with an Andrew Tate mini-me), the only option is to go nuclear.

The Holly Newton case was horrific. It became stalking but he was controlling. This charity may be helpful alicerugglestrust.org/online-stalking/

There's a BBC programme for young people about coercive control. https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/f2b92a97-66d8-42b5-8d70-6a38c29b82e1

But I would definitely echo PPS saying police. My ex Nd neighbour has recently been arrested and I believe charged after he was caught whatsapping young teens with explicit texts. You have no idea who this man is or what age he is.

This.

I don't get all the 'but they are both children' several posters have said.

He ISN'T. Legally he's above the age of consent. She is not.

Definitely contact school. Give her multiple people to talk to about this - not just you. Schools should be on top of this, especially if you stress you feel it sounds like coercive control.

Yes, I would contact the police, but actually school is more practical on several levels.

The Waterloo Road story is very good but jumps the shark in some ways of how far it goes and how little the school takes it seriously which could be off putting. The problem with it is how far thing got before the victim was believed by authority. The OPs daughter needs to know there's support before it gets bad like that - and it probably should be stressed about feeling pressured into sex and how this is actually rape. If someone says 'you'd sleep with me if you loved me' and you do, you haven't consented freely and that rape. So I'd be having conversations along those lines too.

The police are definitely something to do, because if this kid is being like this via message, if he is just blocked you need to be conscious about what he might do next. That's why getting evidence and advice is appropriate. This way if he tries to contact the daughter in person, there's come back. Again the daughter needs to be hearing about how someone approaching like this after being blocked is inappropriate and potentially illegal as it could constitute harassment and stalking.

School is useful in terms of sign posting and helping over healthy relationships. I would be asking if the daughter has had any lessons in this area and whether they could consider putting this into lessons - particularly if she hasn't had anything in this area yet.

At 16/17 a lad dating a 14 year old is very much potentially a problem and should be treading carefully. There is likely a reason he's going for a girl younger than himself - she's more emotionally immature. This will either be because he's also more immature OR for more sinister reasons because the daughter is more immature. Either way it's a red flag in itself.

And yeah stay the hell away from contacting the parents or him, but the potential there to cause problems which might undermine your daughter's position is too great. Go through other channels and none direct interventions to minimise this risk.

Well done for speaking to your daughter and it sounds like it went better than you might have hoped, despite her getting defensive.

I really suggest that you now try to talk to her about what she does if he tries to make contact. (if blocked digitally, he might even turn up at her school). Make her part of the solution, so she feels she has power and control and it's not mum making all the decisions.

And talk also about any future relationships with boys and what makes them emotionally healthy. We can't teach kids early enough what the 'red flags' are.

You don't mention her father or if he's in her life. But if he is and is sensible, or there is another male role model in her life like a grandad, uncle, brother in law, I'd get them to talk to her when the opportunity arise (as naturally as possible). She needs to hear from adult males that she trusts that this boy's behaviour is neither normal or acceptable.

Unfortunately, this is not the case. Sometimes even boys from nice families (with decent brothers) are absolutely horrible people

You've done really well. As others have said, it might be a good idea to watch some of those TV programmes with her so that she can see coercion played out on the screen.

Just a couple of things. I found it helped if I talked about a much younger female relative, and asked how she would want this dealt with if the girl was going through something like this at the same age. Also if you know someone who's eleven, you could point out it's the same age difference.

The other thing is that he'll probably threaten to self harm or kill himself. The chances of this happening are miniscule but I think she should be prepared for it. He'll try to pull everything out of the bag to make her feel she's the one to blame.

It's interesting because the portrayal of the boy in Waterloo road was that he was a 'nice boy'.

Is there a father in the picture?

Hi OP. Really upset for you and your daughter.
May I suggest you have people in place to keep an eye on your daughter this week. You never know how this idiot will react after being blocked. Not trying to scare you but think you need support on all levels.
If you intend contacting 101 or whoever, why not do it now? Maybe someone will flag it and offer advice/support by morning.
Please don't let your daughter go out tomorrow without protection.

Will be following you hoping for good news about this twerp being put in his place. ❤️

I hope that your daughter is ok now @nadejdad

❤❤❤

If the DD has sent nudes can she also get into trouble with the police? Or not in a case of coercive control?

You need to explain HOW the school has failed in its safeguarding duty. The boy isn't even at the same school.

You need to explain HOW the school has failed in its safeguarding duty. The boy isn't even at the same school.

With pleasure, @VickyEadieofThigh:

Schools have a duty to teach children about healthy relationships, online safety, sexual health, coercion, bullying & harassment, confident conversations about difficult situations, etc.

The OPs daughter has been failed by a school that has failed to teach, guide and support her.

Further reading:

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/teaching-online-safety-in-schools/teaching-online-safety-in-schools

If you're going to make that claim, you might as well throw the same accusation at the girl's parent/s.

You can teach children all sorts of things - you can't force them to take notice. Or do you have a magic wand?

I would absolutely not get rid of her phone - this isn't her fault at all and I would absolutely want her to be able to be in touch if she needed someone. Not to frighten you, but you have no idea how this boy will react and she needs to stay safe. I 'would' however put a tracking option onto her phone so you can see where she is (to protect her while this plays out) and absolutely get her off any social media platforms where he's contacting her (if you're comfortable with this)

I think given that she knows you are looking at the phone she wanted you to see this as she doesn't know what to do. If she has an aunt / older cousin / trusted someone else it might help to give her more options to open up in a casual way as well.

Go straight to the police and present everything to them.

Best case scenario - this is a shitty teenager and he and his parents need a dose of reality.

Worst case scenario - you say she has not met him in real life so he may not be who he says he is. Possibly a middle aged man masquerading as a boy.

Leave this to the professionals.

Hope everything is ok OP. My daughter is only 5 just now but I'm already worrying about phones as the kids in school just seem to get them younger and younger.