To wonder why a parent would intentionally ruin their child’s self esteem?

[SchoolCert]

In my childhood my mum used to called me names like

spoilt
ruined
fat (I was noticeably fat as a primary school child)
clumsy

she also made indirect comments that I was socially inept

3 times in my childhood she was physically abusive - but the emotional element was greater

She used to drink gin frequently at home in the evenings and be drunk knowing i didn’t like this - even when in was 9/10

My self esteem as a result was on the floor.

Why on earth would a parent ruin their child’s confidence like this?

I don't know. My mother used to do the same.

Called me stupid, thick, told me to shut up etc etc all the time.

I have really poor self-esteem as an adult.

I don't know the reasons. But I've been very conscious of never making my own DC feel the same way.

Sympathies to you. It’s awful ❤️

well done for not repeating the cycle

Some people see their child as an aspect of themselves, hence see it as self-criticism, or attacking a part of themselves they dislike or fear.

Or, in my mother’s case, she thought female confidence was reprehensible, and that other people only liked shy children who were permanently cowed and deferential. And then grew into shy, smiley woman who deferred to men, and only spoke when spoken to.

It’s baffling to her that her three daughters are self-confident, vocal adults with plenty of friends.

Ah thank you / that’s an interesting perspective

I don't know, but it's her, not you.

My mum was I like this and I just could not do that to my own DD

My mum was born in 1931 into a family where girls should be neither seen nor heard. She struggled hard with me, undiagnosed ADHD, loud and boisterous and with no desire whatever to be a hairdresser (my mother's chosen profession for me). She tried to turn me into a 'ladylike girl' which involved frequent chastisement and humiliation, telling to be quiet, to behave, not to 'backchat'. She did not succeed. I can only assume that she was doing her best to mold me into what SHE had always been taught was a good, marriageable girl.

She failed, by the way.

Jealousy

Well my recent ex. You tell me why a dad would encourage their child to become a cocaine addict. Because they are one aswell. When they were trying to live a life before this why he would try and successfully sleep with their gfs (not me) ones before or break up our relationship over the 3 years he tried everything and the only way he was successful was by encouraging him to be an addict nes had to move out as i just cant cope. Take half their wages weekly and then the days they got paid encouraged them to have the day of to take them to buy drugs, mess up all training courses i hellped get him.on, call.me fat and names im.not fat!!!, ring them 9 times per day pull them down, throw things at them when they at theirs. Anyways my ex appears to have a codependency relationship now with them always has and a significant trauma bond. His dad spent most of his childhood in prison so he doesn't owe him anything. Please help me answer this as I cannot grasp it neither or how to help without enabling. Some people are just raging narcs

Your mother was wrong and very harsh to use these things against you.

I'll be honest, sometimes I think my children are spoilt and lazy. I am guilty of calling them lazy at times, it can frustrating as the house slave when they fail to even try tidying up their crap.

Don’t worry - there’s a difference in calling a child lazy if they’re old enough to tidy up and don’t - but my mum was often drunk and very aggressive to me out of the blue ..got no discernible reason

My dad did it for power and control. No mystery there.

Sorry hearted your post cos I agree with your reasoning - not his actions!

A waste of space i was according to my mum. Add in no attention, no caring and no (obvious) love. I grew up in a house of anger and stress. My mum told me on numerous occasions when I was a child that she would kill herself. Imagine that as a 10 year old.
I'm resentful as f*ck. Just accepted it as a child but as an adult it now affects me more than it ever did.

I start therapy next week.

Some parents don’t want to see you doing better than they did.
Some want to keep you under their radar or control.
Some need you to want them and some are plain nasty and shouldn’t have been parents.

I think it comes down to personality types and not understanding mental health and the damage it does to people. My Dad was/is the same. He was an engineer and saw things in black and white binary ways. His viewpoint was that is he called me a 'dosser', lazy etc. as a teenager then it would correct me into being different but all it did was make me feel internalised like I'd never worked hard enough no matter how many hours i put in at work. He would also tell me "failure is not an option" before exams and driving tests because he thought that would shock me into passing. Instead, it just gave me a fear of failure that inhibited my performance.

I assume because she was an alcoholic and probably had been subject to abuse herself. I’m not sure you need to dig any deeper than that.

I’m sorry that happened to you.

Because she was a drunk, and because sadly small children are an easy target for adults with problems to take their anger and frustration out on. Another adult would have bashed her, but a child...small, vulnerable and powerless. That's why paedophile target kids. They don't fancy 6 year old, they love the power they have over them. It's how bullies choose their victim. They don't choose someone who will smack them back.

She was a rotten mother and none of it was your fault xx

Yes I think there was a degree of this in my experience.
Any ideas I had for my future, "when I grow up I want to be a such and such" would be met with "that's never going to happen", "stupid idea" "you'll never do that".
I think my mum didn't do very well in life, in the nicest possible way, and either didn't want me to do better or thought she was helping by keeping my life expectations low and keeping me "in my place".

It stopped me from trying to do things for a very long time, gave me fear of failure.

I'm happy to say that while my self-esteem is still in the pan, I have drawn some strength from somewhere and eventually managed to do some of the things I was told I never could and bettered my life.

Projection? My mother used to accuse me (and a couple of others in the family) of being what she was or doing what she had done. It was bizarre.

My mum used to pick on me about physical things (mainly glasses, braces, and spots). She said it was because I'd get bullied at school for these things, so wanted me to have already heard all the insults so they'd wash over me if I heard them at school. Like immunising me against them.

Total bollocks. Firstly I wasn't bullied at school but did spend the whole time with zero confidence because of how I looked. And if I had been bullied, I'd have needed home to be a safe respite from it, not just more of the same.

I know my mum was also bullied at school and had a terrible upbringing herself. I think some of the putting me down and calling me names was her attempt to "toughen" me up.

My mum also had a thing about appearance and weight, had me and my sister drinking a weird seaweed concoction at age 12... and some strange tablets too not sure what they were! But they were for weight loss. Im a size 8 and have never been bigger than a 10.

I have actually suffered with eating disorder on and off most of my life, been an inpatient because of it. Probably due to that in my childhood.

She was skin obsessed to and had us putting all sorts of harsh things all over our faces to "prevent acne". Really harsh scrubs and benzoyl peroxide, which made my face so sore and dry. I never had anything more than the odd teenage spot though.

I think it is projecting and pp said.

Do you know what her parenting was like? And relationship with alcohol growing up?

I am guessing both were poor.

My DM did her best as a parent but had come from a dreadful experience of being parented herself. When I realised this it helped me understand she did her best with the tools available to her.

Why?
Oh, that's easy (I know it's dire, I had the same).
Fucked up adults, who were "traumatized" themselves in their childhood, so they happily pass it on.
Envy - yes, even from a parent.
Anger, frustration, small mindedness, narcissism.
These frustrated bastards "brought up" my entire generation in another country, and after years of hating myself I finally realised it's them who should be hated.
It was quite an eye opener!
Good luck 🍀

I think fear and an inability to separate their child from themselves.