To wonder why a parent would intentionally ruin their child’s self esteem?

[SchoolCert]

In my childhood my mum used to called me names like

spoilt
ruined
fat (I was noticeably fat as a primary school child)
clumsy

she also made indirect comments that I was socially inept

3 times in my childhood she was physically abusive - but the emotional element was greater

She used to drink gin frequently at home in the evenings and be drunk knowing i didn’t like this - even when in was 9/10

My self esteem as a result was on the floor.

Why on earth would a parent ruin their child’s confidence like this?

Search ‘healing the mother wound’. Also ask ChatGPT to act as a psychotherapist and tell it your story, it’s helped me.

It’s definitely a thing

It probably goes back for generations. And I don’t know how old you are but I am 64 and I’m not sure self-esteem was a thing when I was a youngster.

Seen and not heard thing was definitely a thing with my 1931 born mum

I suspect this with my mum as well

My Dad was like this. He wanted to break me because his Dad did it to him and he grew up with very low self-esteem, however he became confident as an adult and did very well in life.
He didn't like who I was as a person and wanted to change it. He also has very severe anger issues that he hadn't ever addressed.

Bizarrely, it was something I saw while reading some literature about 'The Crown' series that gave me a different perspective.

Prince Philip had reasoned that he grew up tough, confident and 'hard' and this was a result of his Father's treatment of him. So he decided he had to do the same to Charles (sending to a tough school, being harsh on him etc), so that Charles would be like him when he grew up.

It didn't work.

Someone had written that they'd reasoned that Philip was always going to be a 'hard', confident character. That was who he was. He became that because it was already in him.

Charles wasn't and isn't that kind of character. It would never be in him. All that the treatment of him by Philip did was cause damage and resentment.
This is where me and my Dad are. I was never going to be loud or hard or any of that. I do not have it in my psychological make-up.

We don't speak now. All his abuse of me as a child did, is mean I avoided him. Our relationship is irreparable and this has hurt him deeply, ruined his life I'd say. He's very depressed. I do feel bad about it, but it isn't and wasn't my fault.

Gosh that’s awful!! My mum never told me at 10 she’d kill herself, but she did say that she would rather die than me get pregnant aged 19

Even though my mum didn’t say she’d kill herself when I was 10, she did get drunk and aggressive once on holiday and took it all out on me

also, when I refused this vegetable broth dish aged 10 she said “you’ll be glad of vegetable broth when I’m gone from this world”!! I mean I was 10 - was she trying to make me feel deliberately insecure??!

Dont get me wrong I love that type of food the older I get but still ..

We’ll find for breaking the cycle and bog speaking to him. Not allowing a child to be their own person is THE worst sin imo

I imagine that the vast majority of those doing this are not waking up in the morning and thinking "how can I ruin my child's confidence today?" I imagine that they are parroting out words and attitudes that they have heard from their elders when they were that age and haven't dissected what they are saying or the effect it may have. They are burnt out or exhausted and lose their temper. They shout and criticise and feel awful about it afterwards. Some recognise what they are doing and stop and some are oblivious to it.

I think there are a smaller percentage of people who are miserable, trapped in abusive relationships, need a scapegoat, drunk, on drugs or mentally unwell, who say or do things in order to deliberately belittle or control their child.

Thank you.

She was married to my Dad who enabled her alcoholism and abuse.

Her own parents - who I had a good relationship with - were more ‘normal’ and straightforward for want of a better word.
i doubt that she suffered from childhood abuse - but admit that as I wasn’t there I don’t know 100

she says my grandparents were much stricter on her than on me but of course I’ll never know that 100%

She had a fortnight stay in a psych hospital when I was 2

I got plenty of rants from my dad telling me everything I did I was doing the wrong way etc., all of it lies. I think:

1. My placid temperament probably spoke to parts of him he had suppressed in favour of the irascible front he presented.
2. I suspect sexual frustration, as I don't think my mum had anything like his sex drive. He had had affairs, but could not very well have them all the time.
3. His dad died in middle age without having made any provision for the possibility; the family was left destitute. 'Lay not up for yourselves treasure on earth...' was consequently not a maxim to appeal to him. That may be why he denounced as laziness my contemplative approach to life.

I try always to keep my temper, and I have never as an adult accused anyone of laziness.

ah You’re welcome - that’s true I’m safe now but the trauma is indeed horrendous x

Interesting

I went away to uni just to please my parents but people I met at uni said they could detect a ‘suppressed anger’ in me

My mum I suspect died young - 67 - due to the drinking

my mum was a very high achiever academically and wanted to me the same. However it appeared as though she didn’t want me to be confident socially although would never admit this if asked

I can relate to lots of this particularly being vulnerable in relationships

I can relate to this cos even though I’m an only child so I didn’t have any siblings my mum could shower with gifts … she favoured her cousin over me in a way . Her cousin was much closer my my age than hers .. when I bought a house with boyfriend it was more important that her cousin and his wife were expecting a second baby … than me snd my partner buying house

This would go a long way to explaining their behaviour tbh

Yes the fact that my mum cared about what others thought rather than my feelings hurt me very much

good thing you’re breaking the cycle ❤️

I don't know but my MIL used to do it to DH and he has called our toddler an idiot a few times to her face as a result (learned behaviour from his own childhood). I quickly put a stop to it, especially when she at one point called herself an idiot and it broke my heart. He recognises it and has been really good at stopping it but it's sad that the generation before didn't do the same. It was a different style of parenting and putting a child in his or her place was the main aim, I guess. Not all parents were like that, of course, but it certainly want something that was quite as frowned on as it is today.

My mum same - she was OBSESSED with job achievements!!

it was really quite tedious

In my case it was according to my parents "because your sister had to stand in your shadow "

so they knocked me down to level us up .

Thank you.

I do sometimes wonder who I'd have been,what a success I may have become if I wasn't broken as a child. I truly believed I was stupid and useless until my late thirties.

I'm not. Now as an adult I can see that my intelligence is actually quite exceptional, I pick things up very quickly and I wrote my Master's degree with ease mostly while very hungover but I picked a stupid degree because I had no doubt that I was far too thick to be anything. I just wanted to survive, I had no ambition because all I wanted was to remain alive, I couldn't see a future for myself because 'I'm so useless'.

I try to not be bitter, but I would be lying if I said I didn't sometimes wonder what might've been. I won't even go INTO what my relationships have been like.

Mine was just a pure and simple narcissist. Can’t bear anybody to do better than her. You’re a threat if you achieve anything. She ruined our prospects. It’s very hard trying to work out why your dm says such horrible things and never supports, just attacks. All three siblings have chronic pain and health problems, whilst she’s absolutely fine in her late 80s. Df died young, probably from the stress she created. She can’t help it but by god the damage she does to people.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but the whole seen and not heard thing really resonated.
i was made to feel shit for being loud and chatty and outgoing like it was some sort of crime.
I was never food enough
Never quiet enough
Never lady like enough
Just never enough
She was born mid 1930s
Well fuck her. I have made a living out of my good interpersonal skills
My job is all about it.
I would never do to my kids what she did to me.
i can never quite shake the "not good enough" voice out of my head though.
I haven't seen her in over a decade and I have stopped the fucked up rot from going down a generation but I will never understand why she did ot