To wonder why a parent would intentionally ruin their child’s self esteem?

[SchoolCert]

In my childhood my mum used to called me names like

spoilt
ruined
fat (I was noticeably fat as a primary school child)
clumsy

she also made indirect comments that I was socially inept

3 times in my childhood she was physically abusive - but the emotional element was greater

She used to drink gin frequently at home in the evenings and be drunk knowing i didn’t like this - even when in was 9/10

My self esteem as a result was on the floor.

Why on earth would a parent ruin their child’s confidence like this?

My mother was adored, talented, beautiful and quite clever. She wanted for nothing as a child. Nothing much has changed despite her now being nearly 89.

I was never good enough. I was plain, bookish, bespectacled, quiet. I was not the vivacious party girl she wanted. I was not allowed to wear pink because it was for pretty girls. My epitaph will say "she tried to please her mother".

Why did she do it. Because she is a narcissist. Husband one realised, then husband two. Husband three enables her but has also been very happy to help her spend her money on hedonism.

I was alright because I left at 18, and do stuff on my terms and am quite resilient. I thought it was mostly my fault for not being good enough until I was 51. When my 12 year old refused to go again in the holidays because she found her difficult and hyper critical. My 12 year old firmly told me mother was the problem not me. In a FFS mum sort of way. The mouths of babes.

DD is a sensitive sound who has had her MH challenges. I think my mother would have destroyed her had she been me.

That echoes my mother. She grew up during the war so didn't have the chance to do a lot of things so she heaped all that on to
Every aspect of my life was controlled- even after I married and left home.

Something else I’ve noticed that my mum does - she treats certain staff like 💩

Especially the men in Indian restaurants, but women in shops, young people in cafes, anyone really in a ‘lowly’ position is fair game.

I'm so sorry you went through this, it's horrible.

When i think back to what I went through as a child, I believe a lot of it was jealousy. Anytime she saw me 'getting ahead' she'd have to knock me down a peg or two. She made it her aim to make me believe that I couldn't do anything successfully- and I honestly think it was because she didn't want me to outshine her.

I haven't spoken to my parents since I was 20 and now - in my mid 30s- I'm still incredibly self critical and hard on myself. That rubbish these sorts of parents fill your head with does seem to hang around

Alcohol.

It's easier now she's dead, but I've been single mostly forever and childless, so part of me thinks she was right, and I am too selfish for anyone to love me. No chance I'll have children now I'm in my 50s, so I won't pass it on.

@EBearhug dont be that hard on yourself. These women are narcissistic.

Fwiw two of my friends got married in their fifties. Single before.

My mother was bipolar and I was her whipping boy. I one of four and she didn't do it to the others.

Parents generally use terms like spoiled to highlight poor behaviour to their children in a bid to reduce it. I call my children spoilt when they are acting that way.

The weight thing i think was quite common generationally and still is in asia - calling an overweight child "fat" is clearly intended to shame them into eating less & exercising more.

After a childhood filled with emotional abuse and then years and years of trying, as an adult, to find the magic formula of what not to say or do so that we could have a reasonably pleasant half hour together, I finally realised that the only thing that I could really do to make her happy was to be sad myself. I think when I was younger for a while she liked it when I was successful at school because it reflected well on her, but after that it just made her jealous I think. And then all she did was try to cause trouble. She started it with my kids as well, comparing them and praising one at the expense of the other, and then she would flip it - she just seemed to enjoy it best when everyone was a bit on edge, a bit insecure, and she was in control. In the end she did a couple of things that looked like accidents but that would have injured my kids if I hadn't noticed and acted in time. I never saw her again after that and she died a couple of years ago. I wish I could be sure she'd done those things on purpose, I would feel more at peace with my decision to cut her out of our lives if so, but then I feel like that last feeling of uncertainty and guilt mixed with relief is like her parting gift to me.

Sorry OP that's way off the topic. I think the reason they all do it is simple jealousy and the lack of a sophisticated enough understanding of the world to be able to see it as a good thing if their kids do something they couldn't. It probably stems from abuse in childhood but you know what, we all experienced childhood abuse and we didn't do that to our kids. Plenty of people, us included, go through that in childhood and resolve never to treat a child the way we were treated. The big danger for us is that we go into a relationship with another bully (that's what happened to my dad, he was treated like absolute crap like his dad, then he met my mum and it was just more of the same). We would better not waste our time trying to understand these people's motivations IMO, and spend more time learning to recognise them quickly so we cam avoid them!

ah no don’t worry - you weren’t going off topic - thought you were very much on topic! Thanks for sharing because your experience really resonated with me.

You mention ‘accidents’ which could’ve potentially harmed your kids, my mum did something very sly to harm my relationship when I was 19 which at the time I thought was normal

I think parents are rarely perfect and we all say things we don’t want to sometimes. I’ve asked my children to stop being spoilt when they’re moaning on at me about this that and the other when they have a very nice life and lots of love. Sometimes it’s all gets too much and children need to know that adults have needs and emotions too.

Having said that, it’s not ideal and kids need to know they’re loved and valued.

Mine too.
Mr Coercive Control.
All sunshine and unicorns one day, and a raging bastard the next that evening.

It's horrible, OP. It takes a lot of time, rage and self-examination to get past it.

I had a bit of a boyfriend, more of a friend really, when I was 15, he was 17, and my mother invited him to stay with us for a week in the middle of my exams. Then, 2 days before my maths exam she took offence when he made a stupid remark, threw him out, and told me I was banned from seeing him. I still got a fucking A in the maths exam though

I am mid-fifties. Strangely I get angrier and angrier about my parents’ behaviour and emotional neglect. Even though they are not fragile 80-somethings. I help them from duty not love.

My mum was the worst. I have tried to address this a few times in our lives to no avail. She starts crying and saying okay that she is the worst mum ever and that she should leave us. She then becomes angry and silent and goes to bed for a week, not communicating. When I was younger, this used to lead such stomach-churning guilt and anxiety, from childhood to my mid-30s. I don’t care any more and leave her to it.

I should perhaps be grateful. As I have chosen to use her parenting as a model and to do the opposite of everything she has done. So far so good and I have a brilliant and close relationship with my amazing young adult kids.

This is interesting.

i often felt this despite my mum having a high powered successful career even by male standards.

She hated my partner cos he was a tradesman but even though she was financially successful - I did from time to time think she may be jealous of my relationship

There’s a difference in making sure that your child is told once or twice that they need to reign in their behaviour, when they are being naughty ar bratty, but to systematically cut your child down, day in day out, for no other reason than because you aren’t happy with your own life and to cut them down a peg or two because ‘how dare they succeed where I didn’t?’
and to create an environment where that child walks on eggshells and have ramifications throughout their lives. It’s abusive, pure and simple.

One is an example of good parenting; the other? Not so much.

Yes I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here

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My mum often called me spoilt or ruined while drunk and on holiday once she was drunk and EXTREMELY aggressive for no reason - there was no previous incident that caused it at all. I was 10 and it affected me very much

My mum was very successful career wise even by male standards now! But looking back much less successful on a purely ‘social’ basis - in my opinion

and I was constantly walking on egg shells - I can remember refusing to go to a Xmas church service aged 19 because the church was attached to my school - and I’d left school 2 years earlier and told her - very reasonably - I didn’t want to go back into that environment. I sensed her disapproval and anger and very worryingly ‘rolled over’ and said “ ok it’s fine I’ll go!” 😭

It can also be jealousy of things like your youth, jealousy of your childhood (e.g. she doesn't want you to have it easier than she did) and jealousy of your relationship with your father.

I can't understand it either. I've thought about it a lot.
Come to the conclusion that my parents are massively repressed.
My mum was adopted and not like her adoptive family (my grandparents and uncle). She was different and has never known anyone like herself. Therefore she's never had any self confidence, and sadly little ambition, which she instilled in her children.

No suprise that she married my dad, the first man she set eyes on who was older, sensible, had a good job and house and looked after everything.

But he didn't really want children and believed that we should be seen and not heard.
Combine the 2, and it did not make for great parenting.
Got called lazy, fat and I've heard several times that I've ruined my dad's life and my mum only loved my brother (he's now 37 and has been a drug addict for 15 years).

You are doing well to break the cycle.
I do this with my own DD.
I want her to be confident and know the world is her oyster and not to make herself small for anyone like we did.

Yes - even though it seems massively messed up - this could be true

My mum was 41 when she had me - she born 1931 me 1972.

So yes materially I did have it easier! She was also born in an ‘Extremely’ remote area think ‘The Sticks’ with me in the city - do another major difference

Just to say - I really appreciate everyone who’s taken the time to contribute to the thread - I intend to take time to address some of your very accurate posts

My mother still does it even though I'm now nearly in my fifties. Not so much by putting me down, but by putting every one else on a pedestal. No matter why I do 'x's daughter/the neighbour/her friend y's daughter' always do better. I'm a manager, and not once has she said well done. No, I get to hear constantly that the job is too much for me/I'm not thinking of the children/I cannot manage. While her younger neighbour does a similar job but all I hear is that she's so clever/so well organised/such a good manager.
It is just this attitude of never giving praise to her own kids but always cheering on randomers... The worst part is that she now does the same with my kids. However, they are much stronger than me and really do not let it get to heart.

My mum was also born 1931!! - she was VERY similar to what you describe but wanted me to go uni to get a high flying career like she did

She really knocked my confidence socially though - my social life was never good enough

I think my mum was a raging narc

Well done for the past 12 years! 💪

Agreed