To wonder why a parent would intentionally ruin their child’s self esteem?

[SchoolCert]

In my childhood my mum used to called me names like

spoilt
ruined
fat (I was noticeably fat as a primary school child)
clumsy

she also made indirect comments that I was socially inept

3 times in my childhood she was physically abusive - but the emotional element was greater

She used to drink gin frequently at home in the evenings and be drunk knowing i didn’t like this - even when in was 9/10

My self esteem as a result was on the floor.

Why on earth would a parent ruin their child’s confidence like this?

My mother was also like this. She also drank and would start a rant with the words 'I'm going to tell you a few home truths now'. It was vicious. I was fat. A bitch. Stupid. A daddy's girl. (He did not say such things to me, so yes I liked spending time with him more). A nasty little cow. I ruined her life. I was a disgrace and an embarrassment. her greatest wish when growing up was to be a popular girl at school and I never cared about that so I was disgusting. She wanted to do her debutante ball and was not allowed to and i did not want to do it so i was an ungrateful cow. She berated me for my weight until I developed bulimia in my teens which I still suffer from. She used to attack me physically. Once she attacked me with a kitchen knife when drunk and I still have the scar on my hand.

I left my home country when I was 21 and rarely go back. To be fair to her, she had a very abusive upbringing and when I was around 24 she finally went on very heavy duty anti depressants and became alot better. She even apologised to me a few years back. But her nasty family triggers her and over Christmas I went 'home' because she was very ill and when she recovered we saw one of her sisters for lunch and although it all went perfectly well after it she attacked me and my father for not behaving in the way she thought we ought to. We did not say something she thought we should. We did not respond to things the way she thought we ought (my aunt informed me she was coming to the UK to stay with me for a 6 weeks in the summer and I told her that actually we don't have any spare rooms- we don't) but that there was a nice air bnb next door and my mother screamed at me afterwards for hours. I'm 52.

I had a terrible crisis when my first DS was born. I simply could not imagine treating him the way I was treated. I fell into a bad PND because I was processing things which had seemed relatively 'normal'. But I am a terrific mother with a great relationship with my two boys. My mother said 'You are a much better mother than I ever was'. And I replied' yes I am. You were bloody awful to be frank'.

Well I know my parents would say they did it for my own good. That I am too sensitive by feeling upset. Maybe there would be some recognition that they should have done things differently, but it wouldn't be an admission of wrong doing, more that things were different in their time and they did their best and they meant well.

None of this makes me feel any better tbh. They thought that this kind of parenting would make me more successful but it was life ruining.

For my parents it was because they saw their children as property/extensions of themselves, not autonomous beings. It sounds like that wasn't uncommon from others on this thread!

My sister was much more like my mum naturally but I wasn't and had a hard time. Including:
Being told I was a disappointment/an embarassment and that she "didn't know where she went wrong with me".

Being told anything I liked or was interested in (which differed from her preferences) was "rubbish" and "a waste of time/money". She decided I should become a librarian and was furious that I didn't take her advice. I became a lawyer and am now a partner but she has barely acknowledged that because it still seems to offend her. (I've nothing against librarians but didn't want to be one.)

Thought I shouldn't speak up or advocate for myself. That was rude and selfish and i should know my place and put other people first. But she'd also be angry if I didn't succeed at job interviews etc (it's hard to sell yourself when you have no self esteem).

Would mock me when I had a boyfriend and would say "he's only going out with you because he can't get anyone better". I ended up vulnerable in some early relationships as I was so grateful/desperate for affection.

Would be visibly annoyed if I got spots because I "looked a mess".

Would tell me i "looked like a prostitute" if I wore make up or fashionable clothes - wanted me to emulate her style which was like a 1950s secretary.

I was supposed to be an enhanced version of her, basically.

Oh dressing like her that @honeylulu said. I had to wear my mother's clothes including bras and underwear as a teenager. She said i was not worth spending money on for clothes because I always looked fat no matter what. I used to hate mufti days. One time i wore her shirt with shoulder pads and a sequined motif on the shoulder and her work trousers at a time when everyone else was looking like Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan. For our end of year ball in year 12 (not UK) I wore a camel-coloured padded shoulder dress that came down below my knees when everyone else wore prom dresses. It was mortifying.

I’ve never worked out why my mother singled me out. She told me she’d wanted a girl , was so happy when I was born but completely disappointed in me ( only she didn’t put it that politely) I think I was 5 at that time. At 6 they told me they could put me in a children’s home any time they wanted.
I can remember being gobsmacked at a friend’s house that her parents talked to her, not at her which was all I knew. And that she really loved her parents… mind blowing.
I lived on constant high alert as I never knew what was coming my way yet my brothers were treated kindly. Just after I got married ( as a teenager, my parents signed the papers quickly !) my parents won some money, not life changing but they made a big show of what they bought for my brothers and taking them abroad on holiday. I was ignored of course.

So I’ve still no idea @SchoolCert , something they hate in themselves they see in us? Or just nasty people? What blows my mind more than anything is my parents were allowed to long term foster a child and probably screwed up his life too. I’ve often wondered what happened to him.

2 things about my mother that don’t seem to fit the pattern of others experiences —- neither of my parents ever drank. And my mother especially raved on about her wonderful parents ( died before I was born) what a wonderful family they had, 4 happy children with their hardworking poor but loving parents. 🤷‍♀️

I am the oldest. My mother had an older sister who she resented. So she played that out with me and my younger sister by putting me down constantly.

I had the same thing growing up x

My father used to call me an idiot ALL the time. If I broke a glass by mistake, idiot. If I asked what a word meant, idiot!
when I was about 17, I asked him why he did this and he had no idea what I was talking about. 2 hours later I drop something and Idiot, he was genuinely shocked with himself as he didn’t realise he was doing it.

She's a bully. Why do people bully? There's lots of reasons eg they were bullied, they're disordered, they're inadequate. Throw in internalised misogyny and you have a daughter used to being bullied and put down because she's female. Watch the cycle run when she gets a bully boyfriend...

Pop on over to the Stately Homes threads OP, you'll find a lot of like minded people who can support you.

I could try and analyze why my mother behaved the way she did, jealousy, resentment, etc but the reality was she was a full blown self absorbed narcissist who never once considered anything from another human beings perspective.

I cut her off 15 years ago and life has been wonderful every since. She will never get the chance to have any influence on her grand daughter, thank fuck.

Sorry to hear this OP. My mum was also a nasty drunk, when sober it was like she didn’t remember chastising us for hours the previous night. My brother & I were, rude, ungrateful, stupid, horrible, etc. etc. … I’m sure at times we probably were but what kind of parent screams it in their child’s face after getting them out of bed in the night 🙄

I think with my mum, it was a mix of her own lack of self esteem coming into play. She couldn’t possibly have her daughter becoming confident, happy, successful etc. she was so unhappy with her life (abusive childhood, married my father as soon as she could to escape, never reached her potential, unhappy marriage) that she took it out on me. My life has been plagued with lack of self esteem, body issues, no confidence etc.

Even now, if she sees me getting anywhere near comfortable with myself or my body, or a level of confidence, she will cut me down with one sentence. And the sad thing is, I’m not even sure she realises she’s doing it. Funnily enough, my brother never received any of this crap.

Solidarity OP.

Another issue for my mum was she was very emotionally immature and had no understanding of child development. So if me and my siblings were arguing, or being noisy, or we needed lunch money, uniforms washed (you get the picture) she took it personally, or felt that we were lazy because we weren't doing our share, or we were ungrateful because we expected these things, or mean because we didn't appreciate her. But we were kids.

We also had a lot of situations where we couldn't win, for example she would complain about having to look after us but also wouldn't take any time to show us how to do anything. Never showed us how to cook or anything like that. Would shout if we touched the hoover in case we broke it. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't!

Usually narcissistic. Whatever it is, it’s verbal and emotional abuse and she’s a scumbag. No child deserves to be bullied in their own home. If I have ever been unkind to my own children (and I’d never call them fat etc I would immediately apologise). You did not deserve this OP. At all.

My parents, born 1940s, felt people should know their place and not be arrogant. So, very little praise for the children in case it made us bigheaded

Quite a lot of criticism, designed to help us become better peoplle

And smacking, as punishment, to encourage us to behave better

So, very different from a modern childhood, but as an adult now, I can see they did their best with the skills they had. And they had experienced trauma themselves, which probably had a bearing on how they were

I would like to wish you all the best with your therapy. Well done starting it.
I started my own psychotherapy three months ago and that's the best thing I ever did.
Like yourself, it's now when I feel more resentful with my own mother. Just why would you be like that to your own children?
Having your own children is healing as you chose evert time to be opposite to what your mum would have done.

Love from a stranger ❤️ I could have wrote your post.

It sounds like your mother was deeply unwell, the drinking and being nasty to your child are not normal mother behaviour and suggests she had some trauma of her own. Not an excuse at all but I'd imagine that's why.

My mum told me I was a mistake from a discount shop.
I'd never be pretty
I needed to diet (size 10, 180cm)
She told me I was a medium and surrounded by ghosts. She'd use this to frighten me.
I might as well work in a shop because I couldn't spell.

She was an outstanding beauty but today would be classed as bipolar.
She frequently told us she was going to kill herself.
She was violent.

I ended up an alcoholic as it was the only way I could shut out the criticism.

Therapy for alcoholism helped me understand it was all about her.
Guess who nursed her through her cancer? Me her third child and whipping boy. I was still trying to please her.

I remember a child in my class being quite tearful one day, so I took her to one side to try to find out what was troubling her. She told me her mum had said she was going to kill herself while she was at school. I marched down to the office, rang her mum and absolutely lambasted her. Anyone serious about taking their own life would not tell their nine year old that they intended to do it while they were at school. Selfish, evil woman. I’m sorry you went through that too.

When you live in this set up, you think it's normal. My mother constantly criticised me for just about anything. I was deemed to be fat, hopeless, a show off, bossy boots on and on it went.
Then I cared as best I could for them and they gave my brother the inheritance. It's mind blowing really. Something seriously wrong with her.

I was always losing things and dropping things. Terrified.

Mine was/is like this. My lovely great aunt once told us that she'd reaised she was bullying a co-worker, and was deeply ashamed. My mother laughed and said "naughty - but such fun!". They know they're bullies.

Although you obviously did absolutely the right thing, it crossed my mind that the child may have got it in the neck when she got home. That’s the trouble, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

@NormasArse I wish someone had stuck up for me.

Some of these posts have literally made me cry. The abuse handed out to children, whatever age they are, is unbelievable. That a child has to go through their day with a knot in their stomach, dreading going home is so sad.
My childhood wasn’t particularly happy, but a drop in the ocean compared to these stories.
I am so sorry, I really am.

My grandmother would do this and I can only presume it was because she was very embittered. As she got older, this became steadily worse until dementia took over. How much of her behaviour was owed to dementia, I don't know but she would come out with the most cruel and destructive remarks. Absolutely vindictive stuff.