To wonder why a parent would intentionally ruin their child’s self esteem?

[SchoolCert]

In my childhood my mum used to called me names like

spoilt
ruined
fat (I was noticeably fat as a primary school child)
clumsy

she also made indirect comments that I was socially inept

3 times in my childhood she was physically abusive - but the emotional element was greater

She used to drink gin frequently at home in the evenings and be drunk knowing i didn’t like this - even when in was 9/10

My self esteem as a result was on the floor.

Why on earth would a parent ruin their child’s confidence like this?

I think lots aren’t thinking of the long term consequences.

I don't think it was always intentional.

Some parents just didn't know any better and did as was done to them.

We're more clued on about mental health now and can see things in a different light.

Of course there are people who are just not pleasant and love bringing others down, but I had this with teachers who probably wouldn't even remember saying it.

Like how some parents beat their kids as it was the done thing, with no proper thought behind it.

Parenting and society as a whole has moved on massively, even though they'll always be some who believe in canning, punishment or belittling.

I don’t know why a parent would do this. They definitely see you as an extension of themselves. Mine was and still is, obsessed with what others think of her, way more than how I feel.

She now tries to dictate how my daughter is raised. My DD has more confident than me. I love watching her stand up for herself. I always back my DD. My mum gets really angry 🙈

Similar story OP. My DM told me my brother was a nicer person than me, that I was bossy (if I’d been male I would have been “assertive”).

My parents rarely praised me as good grades for example which were expected and apparently praise or a well done would make me big headed. No one ever said I looked nice etc. My self esteem never recovered.

i parented my own children the absolute opposite way and hope i did a good job letting them fly as they are now young adults. My parents marvel at my DD self confidence and seem completely oblivious that they destroyed mine. Seems there are many of us had a less than ideal childhood. That’s sad.

My mum used to say awful things to me and damaged my self esteem immeasurably. I now recognise it’s probably intergenerational trauma.

She lacks emotional intelligence and the tools needed to have healthy relationships, I guess because of how she was parented and/or things that have happened to her. She won’t talk about a lot of things in the past, including big things that have come out anyway, which is an unhealthy coping mechanism that in itself suggests trauma.

I've long thought that if you were a sociopath or someone who was drawn to inflicting pain, the easiest way to do it is have children - you have sitting ducks for your anger, your sadism, and your desire for power. It is the ultimate power to be able to ruin a life.

I'm sorry OP. My mother was (is 🙄) the same.

I've spent far too long pondering it over the years, especially after having my own and being horrified at the thought of treating them the same. I've settled on a few reasons:

1. She genuinely has no filter and if she sees something negative in her kids, thinks it's fine to say it, no matter how unkindly or unpleasantly. Further, she actively believes in it and thinks it'll 'toughen them up'
2. She's frustrated at the lack of progress in her own life and begrudges those making it
3. She was treated terribly herself and I think forgets to manage her own innate reactions in parenting
4. I think she's quite angry at lots of things, and sees a small child as an easy outlet of rage

Another vote for the 'not thinking of long term consequences'
She's very dismissive when I try to explain the damage such parenting does. I think she doesn't want to think that she's genuinely done damage.

Perhaps thinking that might make it harder to examine her own childhood/reconcile with her parents.

She was very upset at her mother's passing that she didn't receive an apology for her own childhood.

because for her it was fun. she got a kick out of it. you had your life in front of you and hers was sozzled and unhappy. best revenge is live a good life and keep her out of it.

It’s probably what your mum experienced and to her that was normal. No excuse but probably she just never had a positive relationship. Well done for seeing this and breaking the cycle

I think it is mental illness or deep unhappiness with them, lack of resilience, some people aren't equipped to cope with parenting, they can't look after themselves and it creates frustration and anger when they have to take care of another, sadly they still try it, leaving the children with deep trauma

I don't really understand your mother and, as a parent, I worry about not doing my best for my DC all the time. I imagine your mother was deeply unhappy about her own life and that affected her ability to be the good parent you deserved.

I have a much better relationship with my mother than before I had a lot of therapy. I stood up to her with the therapist in the room and now it is better most of the time albeit she does try to control me at times. I have to be forever vigilant.

She used to tell me she loved her mother so much, or that’s what she believed, usually to berate me. My dh says her mother wasn’t a very nice woman. I don’t really know as I just kind of accepted whatever it was and I’ve blanked things out. My mother saw me as an extension of herself. The bad bits of course. My father also thought in some way he owned us.

The family dynamic caused massive sibling rivalry. I feel it in some way this was deliberate and my mother allowed my brother to be violent and controlling of me. The only respite I got was when she went out and I felt I could run to the neighbour for protection. I never dared do it when my mother was there. She was supposed to protect me after all, wasn’t she? And I was too scared to betray her.

After my dd was born, I became incredibly angry when she was 4 months old. I don’t remember much of that time as I was consumed by it. Like the ‘idiot’ comment, my mother called me ‘stupid’ all the time or ‘don’t be so stupid’. She still does sometimes and I’m in my 50s. So rude. She also used to stand over me and tell me to cry. When I asked her she justified by saying that her older sister used to do it to her. She really didn’t seem to get that a sibling and a parent are wildly different.

Horrible of her to behave like that.
My grandfather was jealous of my father, and sometimes didn't like if he succeeded. Parents are hard to figure out.

My mother was the same. It's because she's a cunt. And i know people hate that word and think it's awful, that's why I use it. It's reserved for her.

Those childhood bullies grow up to become adults, then have children of their own. They never stop being bullies though.

You have answered your own question, she did it because she was drunk. Like many Mothers they find the stress too much and they can only cope by using alcohol. Back then it was Gin, these days it's wine. Whatever the drink, your mother was wrong and cruel and her words will never leave you but you can win.

I think this was very true for that generation. My parents certainly felt that any sign of self-pride was a bad thing and tried their best to knock that out of me by constant put-downs. It was very damaging and led to me under-achieving in life. I am old now and can see beyond that but my realisation came too late to change the direction of my life.

My brother did this constantly. Called stupid and fat. (I wasn't) Their friends also did the same , although this was the 1970s
I still have issues with it
I was born late, so they were basically adults by the time I was about 10. And don't get me started on how horrid it was when I went through puberty. It was awful

Because not every woman should be a mum, it’s a privilege many women don’t deserve. I’m so sorry that was your experience; it wasn’t what should have happened. Your mum should have been your biggest supporter and an endless source of compliments and positive reassurance. Your mum was likely dealing with her own issues from her past, which is no excuse at all but is perhaps an explanation.

I hope as an adult you have developed a positive relationship with yourself and that you are surrounded by people who love and value you.

Yes. I got this constantly. Except it was "useless", "pathetic", and "idiot" last year. I am 50 years old with a phd in chemistry.

Also I am the eldest out of 4, but the only one she speaks to like this. Fuck knows why. I'll analyse the fuck out of Trump but can't bring myself to do to my mum.

I think some shitty, weak people make themselves feel big and strong by picking on defenceless children.

I agree.

I could write a book about the horrible things my mum used to say to me.
One that always stood out was that I was never allowed to play with or go out with more than one friend at a time.
She used to say that if there was more than just 2 of us then I would always be left out because no one would chose to play with me if they had another option.
Her favourite threat was to say she would have me locked up in a children's home any time I didn't behave how she wanted.
Sometimes she would tell me a secret about another family member (for example their dad wasn't really their dad) and then tell me if I ever told anyone else she would beat the crap out of me and have me locked up.
I believed her because she was sent to a children's home when she was a child because her parents wanted to punish her.
I haven't spoken to her in 12 years.
Best 12 years of my life.

I was warned never to appear bold or forward by my mother.
As a result I had no confidence, zero self esteem and was an utter disaster at stuff like group discussions or interviews where you had to speak out or promote yourself