AIBU or is Brother being a Billy big balls?

[NomadicEthusiasm]

DF has a significant birthday much later this year, late October..DB contacted me to ask if I'd go in on a weekend stay for DF and DM somewhere as gift. I didn't reply immediately, got a sarky tumbleweed gif 16 hours later. Responded with 'sounds good'. I didn't commit, I basically had a million and one other things in my mind, not a birthday 8 months away.
He went ahead and booked it, nowt to pay until a week before, so free cancellation. But it's £440.
Now, we are higher earners than DB and his wife, but, live in a much more expensive part of the country, huge mortgage, we have two teens, they're child free. We all grew up poor, so whilst we are still budget supermarket shoppers and have one crappy car, we have one nice holiday w eye couple of years and don't have to worry about bills. We are in a much better position than many, but we are still careful, but for the grace of god and all that.
We don't spend money like that on birthdays. Nor do my parents. They gave me £50 fory 40th.
I said I'd need to speak to DH. DB immediately started messaging that it shouldn't be a problem, I had months to save and they spent £300 on one night for DM's last big birthday etc.
He was unquestionably rude.
I have a very strained but civil relationship with my parents. He is geographically and emotionally much closer. I moved out a few weeks after my 18th, moved country and never went back to live. He lived with them until he was 32. Largely rent free. I get why he wants to spoil them. Although he really doesn't have the money.
We value time and experiences together over money. He is about what looks good on Instagram primarily.
I left it as no rush, we will consider it. He has now, 2 days later, said don't worry if you're going to be petty, we will pay for the whole stay. I replied saying probably for the best. We will sort something else. Not to mention, if we visit, we have to pay for plane tickets, hire car, airport parking and dog boarding before we even get there.
He clearly thinks I'm pathetic and tight.

So then YABU for telling him sounds good, you basically said yes. If you wanted to know a price first you should have asked roughly what he was thinking. If you don’t want to do it because you just don’t want to you should of said no, not sounds good

Not a weekend. Dates are mid week. That DOES make a difference. One hotel I looked at was £199 mid week (the dates DM gave) v £500 for two nights at the weekend

I think this situation is of your own making with your poor communication.

But it’s not really about this present is it? It’s about how you feel about your family.

Ok to answer your actual question £220 a night for a nice hotel is not a ridiculous amount, plus it possibly included an evening meal.

You say you could get the same hotel for less, I'm good at looking around for bargains DH less so. In which case you could have messaged "Oh look I can get hotel fancy pants for £400 for two nights, do you want to cancel your booking and I will book from this site".

From your initial post it reads to me as if you agreed to go halves.
Then you have told your brother you will buy your parents something else, and don’t want to contribute to his idea.
My thoughts are: if he has had lived rent free for 32 then he can stump up all the money.
You say your parents gave you £50 for your significant birthday so I would be the same as you and not want to pay£220 towards this. To make it clear, I don’t calculate how much money my parents signs in me and spend the same in them but I don’t have a strained relationship with them.
I think what anyone else chooses to spend on birthdays is irrelevant here.
You don’t have a great relationship with either your brother or parents so just buy your own gift and leave him to it.

He's not unreasonable to want an answer so he can go ahead and book. Bookings for a party that size will need to be done well in advance. You're not unreasonable to decline if you don't want to go. Just give him a clear answer one way or other.

I also would think you had agreed

I imagine your parents would far rather spend time with you than receive a gift. Especially as you live in another country and presumably they don't see you much.

If you don't want to do that because the relationship isn't great then that's fine.

I do think that it would have been a lot fairer to have said no from the beginning since it seems that there was never any possibility that you would agree to this.

I would spend this on my parents. BUT, I have a great relationship with them and they have been super helpful with helping to look after my kids etc. We’re not comparing apples with apples here.

I think you are being tight OP , it doesn't seem much money to me given you can afford it.

440 for two nights, divided between two people, for a big birthday sounds fine to me but these things are very relatively I know. We have done similar in my family.

Wow! Can't believe how yabu blaming the OP for not being clearer when she originally agreed. The onus is then on the brother to investigate and come back with suggestions. There's no way he shld commit someone else's money without confirming. Also, I think not replying immediately is an issue either. People have got to used to instant attention - selfish and entitled!

I think you need to take all of the emotion and excuses out of this on both sides. He suggested it, you said yes, £220 each is affordable for you (and most responses think not excessive for a gift for a special birthday). It sounds special enough that your father would enjoy the gesture (and hopefully the trip). Sorry but you are adding conflict for no good reason in my opinion. Your brother lives closer and there will be bigger fish to fry as your parents age. All of your angles seem a little petty (sorry!) and he reached out and organised (while you didn’t reply, excuses but ‘in the shop’ really). He may totally be a dick but if you want the upper hand in this type of argument you have to be spotless I’m afraid. If you want to be more arm’s length then you can’t pick these battles as you won’t win. Your poor dad. Unless there’s a backstory wouldn’t he be happy you had ‘chosen together’ and shown this gesture? Note - all of this is because you compared it to buying fancy shoes and can afford it. Opinion would be different if you couldn’t xx

Some threads leave a seriously unpleasant feeling, and this is one of them. I can't put my finger on it, but this is the impression I get.

It's poor communication all round here.

Ideally you would have responded something like "That's a nice idea DB, but I'm thinking we will visit them this year which is expensive because of the flights therefore I can contribute max £100/or count me out."

Instead you said "that's good" and expected your DB to be a mind reader. I would have thought the tumble weed gif was jokey. It is frustrating when you try to organise something if people don't respond.

It would be normal in my family yes, especially for a ‘big’ birthday. But if it’s not in yours then that’s not really relevant. The reasons you’ve given for not wanting to spend that much sound fair.

I think you could have been a bit clearer with your brother when he first asked you about it. But it was quite high handed of him to go ahead and book without confirming with you first.

I can see why you don't want to spend loads from your update on your relationship with your parents.

So you shouldn't have said yes when he asked. You surely didn't expect him to get a night in a Premier Inn as a present.

Outwardly DB thinks we are loaded

This seems to be at the root of it. Or certainly that he thinks you should be happy to spend more than you are. I'm also one of those wondering what you expected to spend for a weekend stay. I know you've said it can be done but it sounds a bit 'if you book the cheapest room in this place for a Monday night when they're doing building works'. I also think given he'd booked something cancellable without paying anything, that was OK - people do this all the time. You've now said it's not for you, so it's resolved and it doesn't sound like you're that close to him anyway.

So to recapitulate you said "sounds good" to brother which he and any reasonable person would take for a yes. Why didn't you just say "no, I'm doing something separately " if you knew you didn't want to go ahead and pay?

200 for a significant birthday sounds reasonable and your brother knows you're wealthier than he is so he wouldn't think that was a problem for you. I do think you're being tight and that you should pay up since you initially agreed to it. Let this be your lesson about communication for the future.

Agree with this ^

The present is just part of the bigger issue with your family. Your communication is poor. You were slow in messaging back and when you did, said 'sounds good' which many people would assume is giving the go ahead. You then said you tried to ring but would wake the dog, so why didn't you message instead to say you needed to talk budget or ask him to call you back asap? It seems like you made little effort to talk to your brother.
It is not unreasonable that he wanted to go ahead and book, as places can book up quickly even out of season and maybe he had this hotel in mind for whatever reason.

On the note of buying expensive gifts, we don't in my family and my parents would not want us spending our money on something like this. But all families are different.

I think you are both being unreasonable - you for poor communication and brother for not showing you what he wanted to book before doing so.

It’s very hard to judge what constitutes “a lot of money” for someone else. But I don’t think £220 each sounds unreasonable at all as a half share of a birthday trip away for two people; I’d have assumed that the person booking would be looking at a nice hotel rather than a budget one in the circumstances. Just sounds like a case of poor communication really. The risk you run now, though, is if you pull out and your brother pays for it, he’s bound to let drop that you wouldn’t go halves with him. And he probably does feel that you’ve now reneged on somethiing you agreed to (and he’s maybe already mentioned to your parents?) Tricky one, really.

This is not really about the money, it’s about having to engage in the optics of a close knit family coming together to celebrate a significant birthday when the truth is nothing of the sort.

do what works best for you, OP.

My BIL has form for this kind of thing (spending other people's money so he can look generous) and DH responds in a similar way to you. As the non relative, I end up sorting it out.

It is very tedious!

Just sort your own gifts, people!!!

None of us know your, your DB or your parents. And clearly there's more to things here than the original post.
The way I see it you can either

• go back to DB and say look Id like to do this trip idea but I was taken aback by the cost. I have found this hotel which is only £100 each so how about we do this instead?
• leave things as they are and recognise that both of you haven't really handled it super well (given that you said sounds good at the start when you were not expecially keen given relationship with parents etc)

I think if you supposedly know your brother so well and allude to how he is likely to behave then responding with 'sounds good' was surely giving the go ahead to book without any further confirmation of costs. I think you should send him the money for half the trip.