AIBU or is Brother being a Billy big balls?

[NomadicEthusiasm]

DF has a significant birthday much later this year, late October..DB contacted me to ask if I'd go in on a weekend stay for DF and DM somewhere as gift. I didn't reply immediately, got a sarky tumbleweed gif 16 hours later. Responded with 'sounds good'. I didn't commit, I basically had a million and one other things in my mind, not a birthday 8 months away.
He went ahead and booked it, nowt to pay until a week before, so free cancellation. But it's £440.
Now, we are higher earners than DB and his wife, but, live in a much more expensive part of the country, huge mortgage, we have two teens, they're child free. We all grew up poor, so whilst we are still budget supermarket shoppers and have one crappy car, we have one nice holiday w eye couple of years and don't have to worry about bills. We are in a much better position than many, but we are still careful, but for the grace of god and all that.
We don't spend money like that on birthdays. Nor do my parents. They gave me £50 fory 40th.
I said I'd need to speak to DH. DB immediately started messaging that it shouldn't be a problem, I had months to save and they spent £300 on one night for DM's last big birthday etc.
He was unquestionably rude.
I have a very strained but civil relationship with my parents. He is geographically and emotionally much closer. I moved out a few weeks after my 18th, moved country and never went back to live. He lived with them until he was 32. Largely rent free. I get why he wants to spoil them. Although he really doesn't have the money.
We value time and experiences together over money. He is about what looks good on Instagram primarily.
I left it as no rush, we will consider it. He has now, 2 days later, said don't worry if you're going to be petty, we will pay for the whole stay. I replied saying probably for the best. We will sort something else. Not to mention, if we visit, we have to pay for plane tickets, hire car, airport parking and dog boarding before we even get there.
He clearly thinks I'm pathetic and tight.

£440 for two people (married so presumably sharing a room) for one night does seem excessive!

Interesting you say. Since I posted this I have looked it up. I don't think he's lying, the price he quoted is through a third party site. But direct with the hotel it is actually £90 cheaper.
Also to be clear. He and I earn about the same. My husband earns more. But again, we're not talking six figures or anything!

To be fair, it is 2 nights. Albeit in Oct in a cold/very rainy area.

I'd rather have a phone conversation to avoid these misunderstandings. But he didn't want to wake the dogs so I text 🙄

You said sounds good, and cba to reply properly.

So he can plough ahead choosing a pricey hotel and bill me for half without checking budget?

As in most arguments/ upsets/ family fall outs , it's the lack of clear communication on both sides that has caused this. Fair enough if the cost is more than you are happy to pay, but you if you'd just added 'let's have a chat before booking' or he'd said. 'Are you happy for me book something' then you wouldn't be feeling this way.

So to summarise he is the golden child and wants to do the big show for your fathers birthday and wants you to pay half whilst probably making it known he's done all the organising.

Like you OP we don't spend that kind of money on birthday presents. For some reason I always feel that if anything a parent should spend more on a child but there's no logic to that.

I do think you should have perhaps said you don't want to do joint immediately it was suggested however you've done it now do that's that. And no I don't think you're tight, do your own thing.

In a nutshell. Yes.

YABU.

It's your father
It's a significant birthday

..and you can't be bothered, really.

Without reading the rest of the thread, I'd say it's your own silly fault for not engaging with his initial enquiry. You kept him waiting then gave a non-commital "sounds good" without further question. What was he supposed to do with that?!
He was trying to be organised, get some plans made. And things like that DO need planning for.

Most people would have replied in a more timely manner than you did, and expanded on "sounds good" by asking what he was thinking of and what kind of cost was involved.

But if you don't agree, id say 'generally sounds good but please don't book until we talk'

Am I correct that you are being asked to contribute £220 for the cost of your parents to spend 2 nights away to celebrate your DFs significant birthday?

If so and you can afford it, it doesn’t sound preposterous. You also did confuse matters with your brother with your initial response to his suggestion. Why did you say “sounds good “.

What would you normally spend on a significant birthday. Will it make your parents happy. Is it worth falling out over £100 if that’s what you would normally spend etc etc ???

You see, I disagree. I don't think that throwing money at a situation means you are better, or care more. But I asked for opinions and that is yours.
In any case I'll be spending £300 or thereabouts to visit him with my dcs

Agree.

I'm not sure it would make my dad happy really. It isn't to celebrate his birthday as such hey are already going on a holiday for his birthday. In amfact DB was a bit annoyed with SM.as she asked him not to book it in the actual day as she was starting to look at holidays.

It's £220.

It's a big birthday.

In your own words you're a high earner.

I'd just pay it and move on.

I agree that I wasn't clear. I wasn't enthusiastic in my response but it wasn't a no.
His initial message was a voice note that I wasn't able to listen to immediately. Then I did whilst busy (at shops), tried to call he responded by saying he didn't want to wake his dog (I have mentioned this up thread but not in OP).
I'd rather have had a conversation.
I definitely messed up with sounds good. In my defence I know full well that if I'd said hold off, I'd have had a tirade

I have to agree.

I think this would be the best thing. You did say “sounds good 👍 “. Sorry but to me that reads you’re in agreement.

I am not a high earner. I grew up poor, and now I feel like we are doing ok. My take home is £1800 pm
We don't spend like that in birthdays. Nor do we expect others to

It’s your choice really. If you don’t want to do it then don’t. But you definitely muddied the waters with your response which sounded in agreement.

Sounds like a total communication fail.

Whatever your thoughts are on this, you basically gave DB the thumbs up on his plan. He's not a mind reader.

If you disagree or want to do something different that's totally fine, but tell him that. Or don't agree to what he's proposed.

Sounds like there's a whole backstory and the big family getaway might not be all it's cracked up to be, but you've set yourself up to be swept along by the sounds of it.

However, you did at least provisionally commit to the idea of the gift being a short break for two people, so it was clearly going to cost much more than £50?

It's not a big family getaway. It's a break for our parents
I agrees to the principle. Whilst I do think it could've been clearer ,there are nice hotels in the area that do low season breaks for £199 for two nights, so £100 each, there are some that would be £400 per night.
I thought we would discuss options.

But you could have said that in the first place if you had only engaged with his initial enquiry: "Sounds good but as we'll be needing to spend X amount to actually visit DF to see him for his birthday, I was going to spend Y amount on a present, so it depends what kind of cost you were thinking of."

As someone else said, all of this could have been very easily avoided if you'd both just had better communication skills.